Each month, a Psychologies reader gets the opportunity to have a consultation with psychotherapist Alexander Budchen. The conversation is recorded on a dictaphone: this makes it possible to understand what is actually happening in the psychotherapist’s office. This time Elena came to the reception.
Alexander Badkhen: It turns out that when you do what you like, you become very vulnerable.
Elena: Yes, and so it was in childhood. Only in the last two very difficult years have I been able to rethink a lot. It was a very difficult period. First, my beloved person, with whom we lived together for ten years, left me, then I was left without a job and without money … But now I have the impression that I have coped with the crisis.
AB .: Many changes have taken place.
Elena: I myself have changed a lot: I began to think about myself, about my life, I became a more open person. Since I had free time, I renewed relationships with classmates, with old friends with whom I had not communicated for many years. They helped me find a good job…
AB .: You talk about yourself and smile … You are now having a difficult period, but it seems to have more life, more changes and readiness to change yourself.
Elena: And right now, when everything is changing in my life, I want to understand what I really want, without looking at other people.
AB .: Now try to ask yourself the question: in what way would I like to realize myself?
Elena: The thing is, I can’t find an answer to it. I go from one extreme to another. For me, the material side of life is too important — work, career, and during the crisis that I told you about, spiritual development became the most important. I read a lot, talked with people who share my views, and did spiritual practices. Now I have a job again, and I’m thinking about how to make a successful career. I can’t «bring together» different desires.
AB .: What’s stopping you from putting them together?
Elena: If I start doing something, then I want to give it all of myself. But then I don’t have time for anything else. I am convinced: either you need to go into your favorite business with your head, or not do it at all.
AB .: Uncompromising position.
Elena: Yes. So I’m tossing. I start, then I quit.
AB .: You talk about it with irritation.
Elena: Yes. Because there is no result.
AB .: And what should be the result?
Elena: I want to have a job that I love, where I can grow professionally, and have a hobby where I can realize myself. And of course, family.
AB .: That is, you want to have everything, and if this does not work out, then it is better not to have anything.
Elena (after a pause): It turns out that so.
AB .: But at the same time, in a difficult life period, changes have occurred to you that surprise you and make you very happy. And it seems to me that this is contrary to the all-or-nothing rule. Because just at the moment when there was nothing left, you gained something very valuable for yourself.
Elena: But I am still a very indecisive person. How can I become more confident in myself so that I can complete my undertakings, not paying attention to the opinions of others?
AB .: Maybe you can ask this question a little differently: why do I react so painfully to the opinions of other people and do not allow myself to be who I am? How can I learn to stand up for my values without taking someone else’s point of view and hiding behind it?
Elena: Maybe you’re right. When I start doing something, I have a strong fear that everything I do will not be liked by others. And it is important for me to be perfect, correct.
AB .: : Are you afraid to be imperfect in the eyes of other people?
“AT HOME I FELT COMPLETELY LESS RIGHT: PARENTS DO NOT LET GO ANYWHERE, EVEN TO VISIT FRIENDS…”
Elena: Apparently I’m afraid. (Thinks for a long time.) This is similar to the feelings of a child that arise at the moment when parents scold him for doing something wrong. He feels: «I’m bad, I’m wrong.»
AB .: What is happening to you now?
Elena: I made myself look wrong. This is a very unpleasant feeling.
AB .: Tell about it.
Elena: My back and neck are tense. I am very nervous — so much that I can cry. At school, it was this feeling that prevented me from reading poetry aloud in class. I read them to the teacher in private. But then again, not any teacher — I had to get used to her first, to get to know her.
AB .: That is, it is very difficult for you to express yourself in the presence of other people. And if you decide to do this, this is a sign of great trust on your part.
Elena: Yes.
AB .: And this experience is familiar to you from childhood …
Elena: My childhood was spent in a village near Moscow. There were no my peers, I had no friends at all. Mom took me to Moscow to school and immediately after school took me home. I communicated only with my parents and with my sister (she is five years younger than me). The tone in the family was set by the father — he is very powerful with us: as he says, so be it. And I always felt that he loved his sister more than me: he forgave her everything and allowed what he refused me. For example, she did not study well, and her mother was often called to school. She came back and began to scold her sister. Then dad took my notebooks and could just crucify me because of the comma. I tried to get my mom on my side. But nothing good came of it: my parents quarreled, my mother cried and said that they would get divorced because of me.
AB .: That is, you felt responsible not only for the commas, but also for the well-being of the family. And they felt unloved.
Elena: I felt like a powerless outcast. I was never allowed to go anywhere, neither to visit classmates, nor on school trips. True, in the 11th grade, I finally rebelled: I ran away to a night disco and came home in the morning. There was a scandal, but I still managed to explain to my parents that I just wanted to prove to them that if I go for a walk in the evening and return late, nothing bad will happen to me.
AB .: It turns out that the difficult atmosphere in the family and the lack of love that you felt in childhood, criticism of the closest people, the lack of their support formed your fear that other people might not accept you.
Elena: Yes it is.
AB .: Your departure to the disco was connected with the need to show your parents that you are already an adult, although your father could punish you for this.
Elena (long silence): I now thought that I did it at a critical moment. I waited a long time for them to realize that I need to be given at least a little freedom. But one day I realized that the situation is critical: if I don’t do it now, if I don’t prove it to them, then I’ll never do it again. And I allowed myself to be myself. Now I again showed myself in a critical situation. What happens — I become myself only during a crisis?
AB .: From childhood, you taught yourself to restrain yourself — after all, at any moment you could be criticized, offended. Copying others is safer. And you have learned to hide behind others.
Elena: Does it mean that I hid so deep that I almost lost myself?
AB .: Maybe. And you may need the help of a psychologist in order to see and find yourself in a safe environment.
In the interests of privacy, the name and some personal details have been changed.