Why is it difficult for us to ask for forgiveness, and apologies do not always sound convincing? Psychologist Guy Winch on the rules that turn banal words into a tool for effectively restoring trust and respect in relationships.
The ability to admit guilt and apologize is one of the characteristics of a mature personality. But sometimes apologies themselves are mistakenly perceived as only an important part of sociocultural norms. We are taught from childhood to say: “Forgive me, I didn’t do it on purpose.”
Unfortunately, the skill of apologizing properly doesn’t always develop over the course of a lifetime and often gets stuck at that very “I didn’t do it on purpose” level. Therefore, the apologies of adults sometimes sound untenable, as if it were childish babble.
Why is it so hard for us to apologize?
It means admitting you are wrong and wrong. And it takes courage to admit that you’re not perfect. As children, we were required to apologize, forcing us to go think about our behavior or threatening to deprive us of sweets or cartoons. As a result, socio-cultural norms were not realized, but imposed from the outside, and were accompanied by feelings of misunderstanding, infringement, resentment.
Adults in authority demand from the child what he does not want or yet cannot understand, and many of us, along with the skill of apologizing, learn the feeling of humiliation.
There is a big difference between “I’m sorry” or “I’m sorry” and “I’m sorry (forgive) me please”
In an attempt to avoid feelings of humiliation, adults do not always choose the really right wording. Surely you are familiar with the phrases: “I’m sorry if I offended you (a)”, or “Forgive me, but I think …” – sometimes we pronounce them unconsciously, not realizing that these “if” and “ but” speak of insincerity. They hide the uncertainty of the speaker that he really repents and understands how he offended the other.
There is a big difference between “I’m sorry” or “I’m sorry” and “Excuse (forgive) me, please.” In the first case, we appeal to ourselves, and this is more like a formal fulfillment of social conventions. In the second case, we turn to a person whose feelings are hurt. This is much more difficult because it makes us vulnerable: the other person is free to not accept the apology.
Why do this
Why do we ask for forgiveness at all? Try asking this question to yourself or someone you know, and you will probably hear something like: “Because I was (a) wrong (a) / was mistaken (s)”, or “That was the only correct / mature/responsible decision”. And therein lies the problem: such motives do not reflect what the apology is supposed to achieve.
It is believed that if you do this, it means that you have offended, upset, let down someone, disturbed someone’s emotional balance. Therefore, the main goal should be to try to restore it, repair the emotional damage and receive sincere forgiveness. For apologies to be effective, they must be focused on the other person’s feelings and needs, not our own. Often we are not trying to help others feel better, we are trying to make ourselves feel good.
The Key to an Effective Apology
It is a tool by which we take responsibility for the consequences of our actions and take a step towards restoring trust and respect. For an apology to be effective, it must contain the following components:
- Clearly articulated “Forgive me” message.
- An expression of regret for what happened.
- Recognition that social norms or expectations have been violated.
- An expression of sympathy.
- Asking for forgiveness.
The most important of these components, which we often forget about, is the expression of sympathy. In order for the other person to forgive us, he must see that we were able to realize and feel for ourselves all that we forced him to go through. Doing this convincingly is more difficult than it might seem. Let’s look at this with an example.
Example
Situation
You’ve had a hard day at work, and you’re in a terrible mood when you return home. It’s late and you’re feeling too overwhelmed and annoyed to go to a close friend’s birthday party. In addition, it seems to you that in this state it is better to stay away from people and there is no need to spoil the mood of others. You wake up the next morning with an agonizing sense of guilt that gets worse when you analyze the situation and realize that you didn’t even call a friend to tell you you weren’t coming.
Solution
What do you need to consider for an apology to be effective? Before you continue reading, make your own list of items you would mention in a conversation with a friend.
Made up? The five keys to an effective apology are:
- Excuse me please.
- I’m really so sorry! I didn’t come to your birthday party yesterday.
- I had a terrible day, I was literally exhausted and just went home to sleep. But that doesn’t justify the fact that I didn’t show up without even telling you about it.
- I can only imagine how upset and disappointed you were, how hurt you were and how angry you could be with me. I know how important this holiday was for you and how much effort you put into its preparation. You must have been waiting for my appearance and worried. I hope that you were able to enjoy the holiday, but I feel guilty that my selfish behavior could have affected your mood. I regret that, as a friend, I could not be there and share the holiday with you.
- I understand this may take some time, but I hope you can forgive me.
Although admitting your mistakes may seem difficult, it will not only help to improve relationships, but also relieve your guilt. Remember that expressing empathy takes practice and is worth learning. In addition, if you remember that you should not do this, as you were once forced to do as a child, but want to, because you are sincerely sorry and the relationship is dear to you, it will be easier for you to find the right words.
Guy Winch is a clinical psychologist and a member of the American Psychological Association.