Contents
The death of a loved one is not just a loss. The world is collapsing, you have to rebuild yourself. Psychologist Jamie Cannon believes that every grief is in some way shared, and discusses whether it is possible to find the right words to sympathize and support.
The death of a loved one irrevocably changes the world of the bereaved. This void cannot be filled, and, contrary to popular expression, time does not heal.
“When someone dies, we don’t just lose them,” says psychologist Jamie Cannon. “A huge part of our lives goes with it, and we are faced with emotions from which there is nowhere to run.”
Can the phrase “condolences to your loss” console and support in such a situation? Unlikely. Much research has been devoted to dealing with grief. People tried to determine its stages, study the destructive action and find ways to stop this torment. But despite the best efforts of specialists, grief is still very difficult to cope with. Even if the death of a loved one is inevitable, we cannot prepare ourselves for it.
A loss that cannot be made up
After the death of someone dear to us, life changes. Many things have to start from the beginning. Loss deprives us of support, comfort and clarity, leaves us vulnerable and devastated. Grief creates a vacuum around us because it is impossible to explain how we actually suffer.
“When trying to heal grief, remember that you cannot replace someone who is no longer there,” Cannon writes. “You can’t just find new hobbies, go on a trip, reunite with old friends and ease the pain that way.”
If a person has become part of us, his place will always belong only to him. Our lives are shaped by those around us. And if death takes one of them, we will never be the same again. Grief changes our reality.
Woe is with us forever
It is useless to try to convince a grieving person that his pain will pass, that it can be overcome. Because grief will stay with us forever. There will not be a day when we do not remember what we have lost. But the pain that accompanies these memories will gradually fade.
Of course, in the end we will find where to redirect the energy. Perhaps the most difficult thing is to change the object of love. After all, it is unbearably hard to continue to love someone who will never reciprocate.
The right words
“There is no single right way to sympathize and support the grieving,” says Jamie Cannon.
Template phrases allow us to avoid awkwardness, to separate ourselves from the suffering of another person. Help to protect yourself from your own fears of the inevitable. But in fact, any loss is shared, because it reminds everyone of the fragility of everything we have in this world.
“Don’t use hackneyed phrases,” Cannon assures. “There are better ways to help someone in grief. Be sincere with yourself and others. For example, say: “Now everything will be different” or “I understand how bad you feel right now.”
Forward movement
Allow yourself and others to grieve. When a wound heals on the body, scar tissue forms. But this takes time. With spiritual wounds, writes Cannon, the same thing happens. Grief will have to be experienced gradually, to mourn the unfulfilled, endure severe pain and learn to live anew.
As you get used to the changes that come with loss, remember that grief will never go away. It will change its form and character, but in one form or another it will remain with us. Understanding and accepting this helps to survive and move on.
Grief as a measure of love
Grief should be measured by love, says Jamie Cannon. Instead of trying to bury the joy we once felt, love in all its manifestations should be welcomed. Even when it causes us great pain.
About the Expert: Jamie Cannon is a psychologist who specializes in working with trauma, anxiety, and grief.