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Surrogacy is legal and well paid, but there are so many myths and prejudices around it that women are once again afraid to confess to someone in their work. 27-year-old Victoria Kochetova is not one of those. A resident of Taganrog recently gave birth to the first strange child and, without hesitation, talks about the wrong side of an unusual profession.
Victoria Kochetova
I grew up in a classic Russian same-sex family, like many of us. Mom, grandmother, poverty, village, vegetable garden, 5 cats and 2 dogs. The highest values in our family were money, to successfully marry and have children. But I didn’t believe that this would ever happen, because my mother told me that no one would marry people like me. Therefore, the very first candidate was blessed with my “YES” and was brought to my mother in the hope of proving that, after all, he was found.
After the wedding, I was afraid to touch on the topic of children, because I understood: I don’t want to. To her husband’s proposal to have a child, she replied that yes, but not now. Mom with her “time”, fear of losing stability in the face of her husband and feeling inferior did their job. A daughter was born – Sonya. We have been married to her father for a total of five and a half years.
After the divorce, I gave my daughter to my ex-husband. She is much more attached to him than to me, because only dad always laid her down, he played with her in 80% of cases too. I take Sonya to my place once a week for 3-4 days, I pay alimony with clothes. When my daughter is sick, I don’t see her. It doesn’t suit me, but I can’t do anything. He is a king, he has money. A lot of. And I am nobody.
People say: “The child does not care in what conditions to grow, the main thing is that the mother is there.” Mine was next to me, but eating sour borscht and gnawing bones was not fun. As well as swimming in a basin. Sonya won’t live like this. I will do my best to get rich. Even to the detriment of our communication with her. Perhaps this is one of the reasons why I became a surrogate mother.
The average fee for carrying a child is 1 million rubles. Plus 30 thousand a month during pregnancy, about 20 thousand for embryo transfer and about 30 thousand for buying clothes for pregnant women. You can carry the next child a year after giving birth, giving birth to a surrogate mother is allowed up to 35 years old.
Considering that I am a lawyer by training, and in order to work in my specialty in Taganrog, I need to plow from morning to night, receiving 25 rubles, then the choice is obvious.
How I ended up in the surrogacy program ⠀
In 2018, when Sonya was one year old, I began to look for a program. She told her friends about the plans and found out that they needed the services of a surrogate mother. We went to the fertility specialist, he confirmed that I was approaching, but the couple started throwing about: “Maybe another IVF?”. By that time, they had 17 attempts. I was asked to wait. Due to my inexperience, I agreed and sat for more than six months waiting. In the end, they did another in vitro fertilization without even telling me about it, and gave birth to their child.
I stayed at a broken trough, and on the same day I wrote an ad in the profile group in VK: “I will become a surrogate mother, without moving. Taganrog. No cesarean. 25 years old, blood 2+, examined. ” Parents responded immediately. They said on the phone that everything was ready for transfer, 3 embryos. A woman cannot endure because of an illness in which one cannot become pregnant. When I met, I found out that they were going to take a loan for my services for bearing a child. I refused them.
Having stopped independent searches, I turned to an agency from Krasnodar. I filled out a questionnaire, they called me back and made me happy – there is a couple. They have everything ready, the conditions are good, there is one caveat: they want additional examinations under anesthesia to be on the safe side. Refused.
Then a call from the next candidate for mothers. She has a disease in which not only it is impossible to become pregnant, but also to take eggs – any stimulation is the way to the next world. There is only one embryo and if suddenly it is “flying”, then she will never have children. Refused.
The curator suggested a couple with HIV, the probability of infection during childbirth is no more than 2-3%, the fee is 4 times higher than usual. Without even thinking, she refused. If the probability was less than 1%, I would go.
The next parents were offered to me again from Rostov. It all came together at last! We started preparations, there were only 3 days left before the transfer, tickets were on hand, and in the evening before departure it turned out that I, through my own inattention, took the wrong dose of hormones.
Then I thought for the first time – maybe not destiny?
When despair let go, I met other biological parents. They had ready-made embryos, but without PGD. This means that there may be a miscarriage, or a child with a syndrome, and then I have an abortion. I took the risk because I fell in love with them. In the end, nothing worked for us, and they paid me compensation for the preliminary termination of the contract.
After them, I learned that there were no more parents in the Rostov region, and went to Moscow. I chose the agency where they pay the most, they sent me money for a ticket. Issued a contract. I forwarded it to a lawyer and found out that they are scammers. I had to return home for my hard-earned money.
New agency. They paid for everything, everything is perfect. She began to undergo examination and … came a positive test for hepatitis. The agency demanded a refund. I ran to retake in shock. New result: the biomaterial is not suitable, the blood clotted in the test tube. The next morning I passed it again – negative. They got it mixed up!
I walked and thought: “What is wrong with me?” The women who learned about surrogacy from me are already pregnant and will soon give birth, and I rush about like a rat in a cage. She filled out the questionnaire again, promising herself that this would be her last attempt.
After 15 minutes, they called me back. After discussing all the nuances, I was invited to Moscow. I was at the fertility specialist’s appointment on the 5-6th day of the cycle. The doctor asked standard questions, did an ultrasound. Then they gave me a jar and sent me to the toilet to collect urine. They made sure that I went there without a bag. This is a drug test. When I flew back home, there was already a contract at the post office.
Embryo preparation and transfer
On the first day of the next cycle, I told the fertility specialist that it had started. The doctor prescribed to drink hormones to maximize the endometrium. Almost every day I flew to Moscow for an appointment and an ultrasound scan for control. March 23, 2020 was my last visit – and either next time I come with a belly, or surrogacy remains in my dreams.
I arrived at the clinic in advance so as not to be late. This is very important, because the embryo is thawed strictly at a certain time and may die without transfer to the uterus. I was given sterile clothes, a hat and told to change in the ward. I went to the shower and the nurse came for me. The transfer room was like an operating room: a large lamp, a TV, and a window behind which the embryologist was sitting. I was worried.
Here my name, 5-day embryo, and then some parameters sounded. The doctor confirmed and took a small syringe from the window. The nurse put the ultrasound transducer on my abdomen. Then I looked at the screen. Everything was very clear there: where is the uterus, where is the catheter, and where is the fluid that contains the embryo. The procedure is painless, everything happens quickly, in less than a minute.
When everyone left, I quietly whispered: “Hello, you and I will live for 9 months together. Your parents are really looking forward to you. ” After 10 minutes on a gurney I was sent to lie in the ward. Half an hour later it was very scary to get up. Once in the car, I slid down the seat. It seemed to me that the embryo could “fall out”. At the hotel, I received money for the transfer procedure and was still lying for two hours.
Pregnancy and responsibilities of a surrogate mother
On the third day, I flew home, they took me to the airport by car. On the fifth – the decisive day – I took a pregnancy test in the morning. I left it on the table and went to make the bed myself, so as not to suffer in anticipation. When I returned, I saw a barely noticeable second strip. I sent the photo to the curator, received congratulations. The next day I passed hCG, the result confirmed the pregnancy, and I received the first monthly payment.
The only thing that has changed with pregnancy is toxicosis. It lasted up to 15-16 weeks. I vomited 10 times a day, and I constantly thought: “Something is wrong with me!” In general, I felt better and lighter during pregnancy than without it. I would love to walk like this for at least a year.
All my job responsibilities were spelled out in the contract:
always be in touch, even at night. One day my phone ran out of power and I received a polite request not to let this happen again.
report any symptoms. Even if it seemed. Even if she sneezed a couple of times. This was especially difficult for me, because I was ashamed to say that “it seems to have a sore throat.”
take all tests and examinations. A surrogate mother has no right to reason: “Is it necessary to do such a test?” These experiments are only possible with your child. I once forgot to take the OAM. Although there is a fine for this, no one took anything from me.
protect yourself from stress. Of course, we are not insured against emergency, death of loved ones, however, according to the agreement, even in such a situation we will have to pull ourselves together.
fulfill all the doctor’s prescriptions. If appointed, then it is necessary. This is the law. There can be no question of any “look on the Internet and decide”.
do not save on food. Everything that cannot be pregnant should be excluded, and the balance of the diet should be monitored. True, I drank cola zero. I could not give up the habit.
no flares and alcohol. If the check reveals – a fine of 100 thousand rubles. The second time – the right to receive a fee is lost. Third, the surrogate mother must pay the fee and continue to live under supervision.
a ban on sex life. This is in order to protect against STDs. I was very ashamed to consult with a lawyer on whether masturbation is related to this point. It turns out not. Sex life is only intimacy with a partner.
In addition, I was also asked not to travel by public transport, since the coronavirus began. However, I was paid for a taxi, so this did not cause problems.
Childbirth and my feelings for the baby
Until about 30 weeks, I felt pregnancy only as a state of the body. When the fetus became large, I began to communicate with him, reminded me of how mom and dad were waiting for him. From feelings then there was only expectation.
On the day of birth at 15.20, my bladder was punctured. Then for two hours I sat on the Internet and danced in front of the camera. At 17.00, regular contractions began, and after half an hour I was given anesthesia, and I took a little nap. At 19.30 she gave birth and when she saw the baby, she was scared: she was blue and for the first two seconds did not even move. Then she began to cry. While she was wiped, weighed, measured and swaddled, I felt emotion. She seemed incredibly beautiful! Then the girl was taken to the children’s department to wait for her mother, and I was transferred to the ward.
I remember asking myself: how do I feel? Some kind of unexpected discomfort, strangeness. But I was so sleepy that I fell asleep instantly. Childbirth is exhausting.
The next days in the hospital, I did not have free time to feel something. I ran around the heads, the chief doctors, signed huge bundles of documents: consent for adoption, refusal of information about the child’s condition, from being together and much more. Hundreds of copies: for the Ministry of Internal Affairs, FMS, Procurators, Civil Registry Office and other instances.
After being discharged, I received my money and for a long time could not recover. There was a feeling that I had done something terrible, irreparable. It lasted until the very departure. Returning home, for about a week I missed something: either the life that I had there, or the child, or Moscow, or maybe pregnancy and belly. But then I took my daughter and gradually forgot about what happened. Now I remember only one thing: the eyes of the child’s mother.
Photo: Getty Images, personal archive of the heroine