«I’m panicking while driving»

Robert Neuburger: At such moments, do you imagine any scenarios for the development of events on the road?

Valentine: I understand that in the flow of cars I will not be able to stop if it is necessary to do so. It’s like something is holding me back. So I stopped driving and it makes my daily life very difficult. The same thing happens in the pool. When swimming, I prefer to stay near the side, otherwise I’m afraid that something will happen, that I, for example, will lose consciousness … And the first time I experienced such a panic was when I was pregnant. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me.

R. N .: Do you have a child?

Valentine: I have two sons. The youngest is two and a half years old, the oldest is four. When they’re with me, I’m even less willing to risk driving…

R. N .: Are you married? What is your relationship with your husband?

Valentine: Yes, I’ve been married for five years. We are fine.

R. N .: Have you had any other difficulties in the past, such as eating disorders?

Valentine: I did not have. But my sister, she is two years older than me, suffers from anorexia. For the first time she stopped feeling hungry at the age of 12 or 13. She never recovered. This is a big problem for our family…

R. N .: Are your parents taking care of her?

Valentine: They are just doing it. She and her anorexia are their main concern. My sister lives alone, but next to them and very dependent on them. She never got to work. We sometimes see each other at our parents, but it is difficult for us to communicate. She is stuck in her problems and only talks to me about our early childhood.

R. N .: What happened then, as a child?

Valentine: I don’t know. But in everything that is happening to her now, she blames her parents. I don’t want to listen to her reproaches, I don’t want to hear bad things about her parents, who, of course, made mistakes, but still … I don’t think they are responsible for her condition.

R. N .: What does she blame them for?

Valentine: Because they punished her too much. She was very cruel and provoked cruelty in response. She brought her father, and he was not inclined to restrain himself. She beat her mother, and me too!

R. N .: You don’t have that much age difference. What was your role in this family relationship?

Valentine: I tried to stay out of it and protected myself that way. I had school friends. I did not intervene too much in the conflict between my sister and parents, I generally had the feeling that it did not concern me.

R. N .: Do you remember how she got anorexia?

Valentine: At first she went on a diet, but then she never quit.

R. N .: Quarrels, conflicts — all this was not easy for you? ..

Valentine: No, they didn’t affect me that much. But the fact that everyone took care of her, bothered and worried — I remember this well.

R. N .: Is there anything else that worries you besides driving difficulties?

Valentine (after a pause): : I find it difficult to communicate with people, especially at work. Without noticing this, I am often rude, even aggressive and at the same time too frank. My words offend others, but I understand this only after a while. My sister always reproached me for this. The way I am prevents me from moving forward.

R. N .: How does your husband feel about this?

Valentine: : Fine. He is a patient person and knows me well. But I am aware that sometimes I go too far, even with him.

R. N .: What about children?

Valentine: I have problems with my older son. He is a very active, restless boy, he does not know how to relax, he hardly falls asleep … And he does not obey me.

R. N .: How does your sister feel about the fact that you have a husband and children?

Valentine: It is not easy for her — for example, she did not come to our wedding at all. When my children were born, it became easier: she became attached to them. And this allowed us to smooth our relationship, now we can at least sometimes talk about something else besides her complaints.

R. N .: Did you stop living with your parents early?

Valentine: : At the age of 20, as soon as she started working. At first I lived with a man for seven months, but he did not want to build anything together. Then I met my future husband, and his expectations coincided with mine: he also wanted to start a family. In addition, he is a man of traditional views — like me. We were on the same wavelength.

R. N .: In fact, you did not have a teenage crisis, there were no youthful conflicts with your parents. This is because you had no choice. Everything belonged to your sister.

Valentine: Yes, I have always been reasonable, able to control any situation. But now I am disturbed by the feeling that nothing else is under my control, it seems that my life is slipping away from me. I have a feeling that I am not living my life, but looking at it from the outside.

R. N .: Do you have fantasies? Want to pack your bags and leave? Do you allow yourself to dream?

Valentine: I see extraordinary dreams … I feel so good in these dreams that I strive to go to bed as early as possible. I really like to sleep. Besides, I want peace. I want to be left alone.

R. N .: Have you already allowed yourself love adventures?

Valentine: No, except perhaps quite in his youth … (Smiles) After all, I am correct, serious …

R. N .: I have the impression that you live on two levels. There is a “reasonable” level, and below it there is something that seethes and sometimes appears on the surface. This manifests itself in your slight deterioration in mood, in vivid dreams that speak of the activity of your unconscious. And more about what happens to you behind the wheel. This symptom has another meaning (besides the literal impossibility of driving a car). When I see that as a result of this «impossibility» you seem to chain yourself to the house, I understand that there is an unconscious struggle between your impulses and your desire to remain a reasonable woman. You have unfulfilled desires and dreams… And you «invented» for yourself a wonderful symptom that keeps you at home and does not even allow you to approach them.

Valentine: Yes, I’m probably too inflexible.

R. N .: This is not so, but you live in a «deaf defense». There is a being within you that you may just not want to know. Now you are at a crossroads — if I may say so, given your driving difficulties! Or you continue not to notice what is bubbling inside you, and the symptom that gives you discomfort will persist. Or you try to see it. Many people think that when our impulses and desires break through us, it becomes unpredictable, and therefore dangerous. But often this is not the case. On the contrary, it can bring relief. I think that «getting you to talk», starting psychotherapy, is not such a bad idea. When we are no longer in control of ourselves in such a secure environment, we are in control of everything else.

Valentine: But it is very hard to admit that something is wrong with you, that everything is wrong.

R. N .: I don’t think that everything is wrong with you, everything is bad. Your sister is in trouble, but not you. It’s just that at the moment there is something in yourself that calls out to you, tells you something, and you need to listen to it in yourself and understand it. This means that you just need to unleash your curiosity. Allow yourself to be curious.