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Someone considers them unsociable, closed. They prefer their own company to all the joys of communication. Why do some of us withhold contact with others or severely limit them?
“In my life there were periods of active communication with people, but I did not meet those with whom I would be interested, but others used my ideas more than once,” says 32-year-old Andrey, a web designer. “Now almost all my contacts are virtual, because after real communication I feel empty.”
“The independence of people who consciously choose to be alone often indicates the strength of their character – provided that they still communicate with others from time to time. Otherwise, their self-absorption borders on social phobia (fear of communication) and provokes internal conflicts,” says psychologist Victoria Dubinskaya.
So what are the reasons for the desire for loneliness?
I’m afraid of exposure
“Such a position is a kind of defense mechanism that helps to cope with feelings of dissatisfaction and anxiety,” continues psychologist Victoria Dubinskaya, “often it arises in childhood.” If parents instilled in a child that he is the smartest, strongest and generally the best, then already in adulthood a person often has a complex of inconsistency with expectations: every meeting with other people gives rise to a fear of discovering one’s ordinaryness, the fear of “exposure”. “Such people tend to blame others for their failures,” Victoria Dubinskaya continues, “and do not dare to ask themselves the question: “Why is this happening to me? What am I doing wrong?”
I had an injury
A tendency to withdraw may be the result of traumatic memories. For example, 36-year-old Ruslan has been stuttering since childhood. “I dreamed of real friendship,” he recalls, “but my handicap made me the most unpopular at school. Then I decided that I do not need insincere relationships, and I will achieve respect for myself in another way. Ruslan graduated from the university and became a sought-after programmer, but his social circle is still very limited. “An unsuccessful first experience of communication, humiliation, resentment cause distrust of people, a desire to isolate themselves from them,” explains Victoria Dubinskaya. “It’s easier to lead a reclusive life than to decide to take another step towards others.”
I am unarmed before the world
An exceptionally closed way of life is often explained by fear of other people, society and the world – a person defends himself from them, flaunting his love for loneliness. “The world is dangerous,” says Elena, 25. – Terrorism, theft, lies, betrayal – I face all this every day. Only at home, in solitude, I feel relatively safe. However, none of us can live in absolute solitude, says Gestalt therapist Nina Golosova: “Our psyche is arranged in such a way that we need impressions for development. This feature encourages us to communicate with the world.”
I can’t communicate
“Since childhood, I lived with my mother and grandmother,” says 32-year-old Olga, “we rarely had guests in our house. Now I feel good on my own. At the same time, I dream of letting other people into my life, but I don’t know how to do it.” “The ability to communicate must be learned,” says psychotherapist Adolf Harash. “But it is also important to understand something else: despite the fact that a person is social, he is alone in birth and in death. This means that loneliness is not an individual phenomenon, but an objective universal fact of being – regardless of whether we are aware of it or not.
Our life begins in infancy when we feel alone, and in adult life we need to return to this state from time to time in order to feel whole again.
“I felt left out and it prevented me from interacting with my peers.”
Alexey, 34, literary critic
My parents fought all the time, and I went to my room and started reading. I felt left out, and this prevented me from communicating with my peers: I did not know how to make friends, but I easily sarcastic, ignored others and was offended. I told myself that I did not need others, but in fact I suffered from loneliness. Meeting with my beloved woman turned everything in my life upside down: I learned to give and feel needed, my relationships at work improved, friends appeared. Now I feel happy and my life is filled with meaning.
What to do?
Go towards others
Don’t avoid people. Moreover, take the lead in finding new relationships. Take the first step towards, try to establish contact with those who are nice to you. Help someone who asks you for help. Share something with others, for example, let your work colleagues see a new movie or read a book.
Turn to the outside world
Whatever the cause of fear of other people, it always makes us feel like a target of other people’s views and opinions. To stop worrying about this, you must first learn not to dwell on yourself: be interested in other people, ask them questions … Do not rush to distance yourself, on the contrary, take a closer look at them. By learning to appreciate others, you will feel that you are interesting and valuable to them.