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This story is familiar: you have been dating for some time, you are good together. But it is worth trying to talk about the future, the mood changes. The partner responds evasively or begins to ignore the messages. What explains the unpreparedness for a serious relationship?
After another unsuccessful attempt to discuss the future, you decide to have a serious talk with your partner, because before that everything was going well. Most likely, in response you will hear: “I am not ready (a) for such a relationship yet” or “I am not ready (a) to make a commitment.”
The conversation can take place earlier or later, in any case, as soon as the relationship begins to move to a more serious stage, the partner is removed. He offers to continue dating without obligations for the time being or wants to leave. What’s the matter?
Most likely, he is afraid of proximity
He is probably uncomfortable with the fact that the relationship is developing too quickly. “This person likes you, maybe even loves you, but is afraid that he will not be able to meet your expectations if the relationship becomes more serious,” says psychologist Samantha Rodman. These fears may arise from some fears, beliefs, or unpleasant experiences in the past. For example, in childhood, a partner could observe a difficult divorce of parents.
Not everyone, in principle, strives for long-term monogamous relationships. “Perhaps the partner is afraid of getting stuck, losing freedom, or he is afraid of responsibility, it is difficult for him to make decisions. Maybe he doesn’t want to be loyal to one person. Or he is constantly drawn to people with whom he is incompatible, and the relationship quickly falls apart. Or he is so afraid of being abandoned that he always prefers to throw first, ”says psychologist Ryan Howes.
Another option is that he has lost interest in you and wants to end the relationship under the pretext that he is not ready for obligations. In any case, it’s time to understand that a person does not want to invest in a relationship with you.
“If a partner said that he was not ready for a relationship, it is better to take his word for it. Many people perceive this as a challenge, unsuccessfully trying to convince a person. This usually ends in resentment and disappointment when, after a few years, they realize that he did not want to live together or get married, ”says Samantha Rodman.
People who are not ready for a serious relationship often behave unpredictably
Such a person is often either affectionate or cold towards a partner, avoids talking about the state of relationships and development (life together, marriage). With him it is impossible to dream about a joint vacation next year, he does not want to make long-term plans. He resists getting to know his friends and family so that you don’t get too attached to him and his entourage. He is often prone to an avoidant attachment style. He is unpleasant emotional intimacy, prefers to keep a distance with a partner.
“Such people have learned not to rely on anyone, to be as independent and self-sufficient as possible. Often it is not easy for them to open up to a partner, to be unprotected, to show feelings. If the partner is like that, and you want a close, warm, open relationship, it can be hard, ”explains Rodman.
Is it worth trying to save the relationship if the partner is afraid of responsibility?
You can try to help deal with problems by offering couples therapy or supporting him if he wants to go to a therapist alone. But you can’t help someone who doesn’t want it.
“If you want to help your partner overcome psychological problems, the best thing you can do is be predictable and reliable. Try to talk seriously about this topic and see what happens. If he tries to avoid talking and does not want to face fear, it’s time to stop these attempts, ”says family therapist Marnie Feuerman.
Wouldn’t you like to find someone who strives for the same level of intimacy and responsibility as you? A partner you don’t have to persuade. “Relationships develop when two people want the same thing. If one wants something serious, and the other avoids responsibility and long-term commitment, problems will arise. It will be better for everyone to leave it in the past and find a person who wants the same thing as you, ”Feyerman sums up.