Contents
Situation
Woman, 47 years old, married, lives with her husband. She is the main breadwinner in the family. 2 years ago I bought an apartment in a mortgage, a year ago the renovation was completed. For the time of repair, the husband’s son from the 1st marriage was discharged from Tashkent, a 30-year-old guy. At the moment, the guy lives with them in a 2-room apartment.
The stepson has the citizenship of Uzbekistan and has a residence permit in Russia. At the moment, there is no Russian passport. He works as a security guard, spends his salary exclusively on himself. It was assumed that after the completion of the repair, he would rent a separate living space. The stepson does not want to move out, because it is convenient for him. He explains the delay in his departure by the fact that he earns little to rent an apartment, and in order to earn more, he must apply for a Russian passport, but he cannot collect documents, because he is at work all the time. The guy is not very clean, not accustomed to order. Familiar girls brings to the apartment. The woman does not like all this and she wants the guy to live separately.
Started a conversation several times on this topic. The stepson began to whine that he did not earn much, and the husband accused her of being cruel and driving his son out of the house into the street. The conversations ended in nothing.
A woman turned to me for help on how to conduct this conversation in order to achieve a result. First, we decided to define the format — a letter or a personal conversation. A woman does not hesitate to say everything as it is, what she thinks, that is, it is not difficult for her to express her feelings and thoughts. She also said that the letter would not affect her husband and stepson — they would consider her position soft, and she was set to take a tough position. Therefore, we settled on the format of the conversation. They also worked with her all the known arguments of her stepson — why he can’t move out — and developed counterarguments.
Since the conversation is fluid, like water, and the topic can be taken in a different direction, we have developed an outline of the conversation, a scheme for pronouncing theses and arguments. Namely, it is:
- praise, enumeration of positive personality traits,
- thesis instruction, justification (positive justification for the interlocutor, taking into account his interests),
- confidence that he will cope with everything, he is such a fine fellow, and how good he will be after following the instructions.
All arguments for moving should be substantiated from the 2nd position of perception, that is, as if looking at the situation through the eyes of the interlocutor (in the case of a conversation with a stepson — his eyes, and in the case of a conversation with a husband — advantages for the husband) and pronounces the pros. Suggestions should be periodically woven into the conversation: “Dima needs to become independent and live separately. It’s all for his benefit.»
At the consultation, it was decided to first have a conversation with her husband in order to win him over to her side. And then to talk with the stepson, having the husband, his father as allies.
Wrote an exemplary text of a conversation with her husband
Dear, I love and appreciate you very much. I am very glad that with me a real man like you. I really like the fatherly qualities in you. You are a wonderful father. Dima is 30 years old, he is an adult, he should have a personal life. In order for his personal life to develop, it must be arranged in a separate living space. Are you saying it’s expensive to rent an apartment? What do you think, maybe it will be a great motive to find a better job? Are you saying he has no papers? Just take care of the documents, once there is a need to find a better job. Look, he has been living for a year, and during this time he cannot begin to deal with documents. How do you think why? Because he is busy all the time, first with repairs, then with the job search, and then with the work itself. And all the time, from 8 am to 10 pm, he could not find 3-4 hours to do the paperwork? Do you believe in it yourself? I believe more that Dima simply does not want to deal with documents. He lives with us, does not do household chores, spends all his salary on himself. And for an expensive gift for a girl, she asks you for money (this fact really was). And how old is your son? Maybe it’s time to make up your mind? Yes, I agree with you that Dima needs to be educated, and when do you plan to start doing this? When will he turn 40? Or 45? Maybe now is the right time? I am sure that Dima will cope with the beginning of an independent life now, and not at 40 or 45 years old.
Do you think that I am kicking him out into the street, and with this approach I can be left alone in my old age? Dear, sweet and beloved husband, if you decide to leave me because of my desire for your child to become independent and the desire to live your life in your own apartment, this will be your decision and your responsibility. If you think it is necessary, then it will be more correct for you. It’s up to you.
Are you saying it will be expensive? For the first six months, I will help Dima with money for rent. Ready to add 50% of the price of the apartment. Six months is enough time to complete the necessary documents to obtain a passport and find a higher paying job. It seems to me that Dima will even win in this situation — he will receive documents and work with a higher salary.
You say, I drive Dima because he is not my own. Dear, as soon as my son (27 years old, now lives with his grandmother in Uzbekistan) comes to me, he will live with us for a maximum of six months. As soon as he finds a job, he will immediately start looking for rental housing. And I will help him with the money, just like I would help your son.
Dima can always come to visit us, you can visit him, see how he settled down and how he lives. We will live close to each other. If necessary, we will always help, we will always come. Now think about how good and free it will be for Dima to be the master of his territory — no one tells him anything, no one asks him for anything. He can bring a girl to his home at any time, and no one will say a word to him. He will be able to do what he sees fit, not me and not you. And now think to yourself how good it will be for you — your son is nearby, and at the same time in a separate territory. Think about our personal life with you, what it can be. Introduced? ☺
Please think over my arguments and tell me when you are ready to talk to your son.
Outcome: the conversation took place. The woman did not manage to have a preliminary conversation with her husband. I talked with my stepson in the presence of my father. According to her, the conversation turned out to be very difficult, since she had two counter-interlocutors at once. She was greatly helped by the strategy we worked out and the “magic mantra that “Dima must be independent for his own good.” Two weeks later, the stepson found a room and will move out on March 1st. The husband has ceased to feel sorry for his son, and believes that he is doing everything right, for the common good of the family.
Colleagues, what do you think about this decision? Do you have other successful experience with similar issues?
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.