I’m in debt… but I’m healing

Friday evening, three-story building on a quiet street. At the end of each week, those who seek help and want to be heard come here. “DA meeting” – written on a piece of paper attached with a couple of buttons to the door of a small room. “DA” stands for “Debtors Anonymous”. Like alcohol for alcoholics, gambling for gamblers, money is a source of suffering for members of this community and a cause of psychological addiction. Twenty-five people have gathered here tonight, and they all want to change their behavior once and for all: an irresistible desire to spend money (for which they have to borrow it) humiliates them, restricts their freedom, makes them defenseless and helpless.

Alexander, Philip, Karina, Veronica… Men and women, 20 to 60 years old, of many nationalities, representatives of different social strata, professing different religions. They all came here to learn once and for all how to manage their expenses and avoid new debts.

Who are these people

20.35. The meeting starts. “Good evening, my name is Sonya, I am a permanent debtor and today I am holding this meeting,” the young woman says confidently. It is so customary here: everyone who begins to speak, calls himself and admits that he is a debtor; in response, the group welcomes him. Then everyone who came to the meeting today talks about himself.

“My debts are so great that there is nothing to pay for the apartment,” begins Veronica, a woman in her forties. “I live beyond my means, but I can’t do it any other way. I keep buying Louis Vuitton bags, going to the spa. But since my husband and I broke up, I can no longer afford such expenses. I have reached the point where I don’t open the door for anyone (I’m afraid of the bailiff) and I’m waiting for a miracle. Silence. “This is my second year here,” Maxim begins his story. – A few years ago I had everything: restaurants, trips, a country house … But due to difficulties with the business, everything fell apart, and I still spent, borrowed and could not stop. As a result, at the age of 36, I was forced to return to my parents. And only then, finally, I realized that I had big problems. Now life is getting better, but I still come to meetings and draw strength here.”

Karina enters the conversation, four months ago she became a member of the association. “I have good news,” she announces. “For the first time in a long time, I have money on my card!” She is applauded. “My secret? I leave the house with a few bills in my pocket. And I’ve been holding on for three days … “

The speeches are short, clear and sincere. “Nothing surprising,” explains Bernard, the founder of DA in France, later. “Honesty and goodwill is what helps us find a way out. This is the price to be paid.” He explains: “We share experience, strength, hope with each other in order to solve a common problem – to become solvent and finally stop borrowing.”

12 steps forward

The next part of the program is a reading and discussion of the 12 stages of treatment, which were borrowed from the Association of Alcoholics Anonymous. First stage. “We admitted that we were powerless over the desire to borrow and our lives were out of control,” says one of the debtors. Second. “We believed that we had the strength to help ourselves,” continues the next. At the other end of the room, a hand is raised: when the meeting participants name the stages of therapy, anyone can comment on what is happening, report on the difficulties they have encountered. “I managed to pass the first stage,” says Alexander, “I realized that I was really sick. But I do not have enough strength to go to the end: having received a fee for transfers, I did not leave the ATM until there was nothing left in the account. Maxim enters the conversation. “In order to believe in yourself, you need to show humility. Before, I needed to feel like the very best – beautiful, stylish, fashionable. I tried to achieve this even when I was completely ruined. In the end, the understanding came that you can achieve respect for me by remaining yourself.

To get rid of monetary dependence, you need to spend about a year on each stage. But some move faster. After two years of participation in the program, Maxim is in the fourth stage. It sounds like this: “We made a detailed description of our moral qualities.” “Perhaps I will not fully understand the reasons for my “special” attitude to money, but I felt the power of psychotherapy,” Maxim says. “I want to know myself and, when planning my budget, I will keep in mind the cost of a psychotherapist.” Mark has three years of Debtors Anonymous behind him and is now working on the eighth stage (“We have made a list of people who have been harmed and adequately compensated for it”). “This is one of the most difficult stages, but I will succeed. I’m slowly regaining my self-respect. Besides, I met a girl and I don’t want to disappoint her.”

Behavior strategy

The third part of the meeting is a story about the rules by which the group works (no borrowing, no loans, attending meetings, keeping a diary of expenses). At the word “diary”, Christina, a student, perks up: “I carefully record any, even the smallest expenses. Friends laugh, but it helps me. After analyzing my expenses, for the first time I saw where the money goes. Another rule is anonymity, it allows everyone to feel freer. Then – a phone number so that all members of the association are in constant contact and can help each other. “I don’t dare to pick up the phone and call one of you,” admits Karina, the winner of the day. “When your father has been drinking every day for many years and it is strictly forbidden to talk about it to outsiders, it’s not so easy to decide to tell about your problems.”

Planning your budget, which includes a detailed action plan to pay off existing debts, is also a prerequisite for working in the Debtors Anonymous group. As well as curating other DA members. “My curator hasn’t borrowed money for two years now,” Maxim says. – He supports me, without him I would definitely break. Let’s say tonight I was ready to miss our meeting because I wanted to watch basketball. I called him and told him about it, but his arguments convinced me: my balance is still too shaky and needs support. And here I am!”

22.00. The final part of the evening: a prayer (in the broad sense of the word) for finding peace. The group rises and stands in a circle, holding hands, saying: “Lord, give me the strength to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change what I can change, and the wisdom to see the difference between the two. “. Then everyone disperses in the hope of a decent start to the new week, guided by the principle of “once and for all.” And they will all come here next Friday to support each other again.