“I’m getting a divorce and quitting”: don’t rush to ruin everything

There is nothing permanent in life: everything flows, everything changes. And it is important to learn to notice these changes and change with them. When you fall in love, the whole world seems bright, and people are kind and happy. And you can’t talk enough with your loved one, you walk around the city for hours, enjoying the conversation.

When you are looking for a job, you look forward to the recruiter’s call and feel happy when you hear that you are ready to be hired. You confidently make plans for the future and make a list of purchases in your head on which you will spend your first salary.

Time passes and everything changes. You are married to a man with whom you were once ready to talk all night long, but there are no more common themes, work is boring, life seems empty and unbearable. When a person is immersed in a state of despair “I don’t see a way out, I don’t know what to do,” he has no access to internal reserves, where the best solutions to problems are located. He sees the only way out in drastic changes: quit his job, get a divorce. Fear paralyzes consciousness, because it is not clear how to live on, what to live on and whether something good lies ahead. But who said that decisions should be categorical and cardinal?

I propose to consider one of the requests with which they came to me for a coaching session.

“I have been married for seven years. There has been no love and warmth in relationships for a long time. Every day I go to work that I don’t like. I am unhappy, but I am afraid to change something. I don’t know how to break this vicious circle. And the worst thing is, I don’t know what I want. Not life, but some kind of “Groundhog Day”.

When a person is trapped in his thoughts, it seems to him that his whole life is one big question. Let’s look into the tangle of these thoughts and put everything on the shelves.

In this query, I see five items:

1. There is no love and warmth;
2. Unloved job;
3. No happiness;
4. Feeling of a vicious circle;
5. The question is “what do I want?”.

When you break down a problem into details, it turns into real questions that you can work on. I offer several solutions that use the imagination and help to cope with the tasks.

No love and warmth

The book The Five Love Languages ​​by G. Chapman has changed my life and the lives of many people. He wrote: “Love must be explained in the language of the one you love.” Using examples, he showed that all people speak different love languages. You need to know what language you speak and what language your partner speaks, and jointly maintain this flame of love and warmth in your family.

There are five love languages ​​in total:

• words of encouragement;
• time;
• presents;
• help;
• touch.

After reading this book, you will be able to answer many questions and understand how to change the situation in the family for the better.

Unloved job

Grab a pen and paper and ask yourself, “Why am I working for this company?” Write down a detailed answer. Divide the page into two columns: in the first write down what you like about your work, in the second – what you don’t like. Look at the “dislike” list and think about what issues are in your area of ​​influence, and which can be transferred to your area of ​​influence.

For example, you do not like to sit by the window because it is constantly opened, and because of this you often get sick. This issue is in your zone of influence. You can move to another place or arrange with colleagues so that they open the window only during a break when you are not at work.

But if you do not like the size of wages, then you need to think about how you can transfer this to your zone of influence. Perhaps you can talk to your boss about a pay raise or ask for a part-time job. Or improve your skills and be able to apply for a higher position.

Carefully consider each item on the “dislike” list, and you will definitely see new opportunities opening up in front of you.

No happiness

People sometimes confuse values ​​with beliefs. Belief is always categorical and verbose, it is an experience from the past, not necessarily your own. But when a person talks about his values, he makes long pauses, uses few words, his attention is directed to the present and the future.

Example. All women should stand at the stove – this is a conviction. I want to share love is a value. In this matter, you need sincerity and honesty with yourself. What is happiness for you? What truly makes you happy? What ways to make yourself happy right now do you know? How often do you use these methods in your daily life?

These can be very simple things that are often overlooked: walking to your favorite places, painting lessons, singing, dancing, delicious food (especially those that you “can’t” afford), time for yourself, reading books, education, finding a new business. . Start small, but every day do something that only you enjoy, that you can do yourself without anyone else’s help. Find time for yourself and your happy moments in life.

Vicious circle

As you can see, this circle is no longer closed. We have considered three questions, the solution of which will help to change life for the better. But you will see the solution of this particular issue only when you follow the recommendations of the three previous ones.

Look from the outside with a new look at your life, what do you notice now? What opportunities are open to you? What solutions do you see to make life full and happy?

The question “what do I want?”

There are no impossible tasks, there is an incorrectly posed question. Someone has already seen the solution after answering all of the above four questions. Now you have three directions, where to start and where to go. Choose the one that is most valuable and important for you now: relationships, work, values ​​(self-realization). And gradually, in small steps, adding new colors and milestones to your life, move forward to a happy life.

If you can’t figure out your values ​​or feelings, then you’ll need the help of a coach or psychologist. And this is also a step towards solving the issue – to find a specialist and discuss with him: “How to find a goal? How to find a calling, passion? How to find happiness? How to deal with feelings?

Our brain has unique abilities, and each person has the best solutions for his tasks. You just need to look at the question not as a problem, but as a task that you want to solve. And if you break a big task into small questions, then there will definitely be solutions. Everything that seemed terrible and impossible will turn out to be real and possible. Over time, you will learn to quickly find the best solutions. At first, you will have to make efforts and fulfill the plans, move from words to action. But a happy life is worth it, isn’t it?