I’m friends with my exes

What should be the relationship with the former? Seraphim answers like this: “I prefer the good ones. For the sake of my daughter, I maintain good relations with her father. But I also communicate with pleasure with my first partner. These are people who know me and whom I can trust. I just can’t do without them.” Why? What prevents her from living a completely separate life?

“After parting with a partner, many of us, like 42-year-old Serafima, feel confused and do not know how to behave,” says psychoanalyst Genevieve Abrial. – After all, we have before our eyes few examples of behavior in such cases. Many parents have lived in a couple all their lives, the children did not see how the two parted, and now it is difficult for them to complete their own relationship. Another option is that the parents broke up with a scandal, and adult children refuse to repeat their mistake.

Maybe “staying friends” is the best way out? Why not? Only it would be nice if these new relationships were sincere friendship, and not the result of the weakness of partners.

I have secret intentions. Of course, a good relationship is better than a bad one, especially when a couple has children together. But sometimes hidden feelings are revealed behind this strong connection: a desire to look after an ex-partner, anger that makes it difficult to mourn the end of a relationship, or a secret hope for their revival. These dreams and intentions, often unconscious, do no harm in and of themselves, says the psychoanalyst.

However, they “prevent investing in another person who may be oppressed by the constant presence of a former partner.” Or maybe it’s easier to protect yourself from a new relationship, because the pain after the breakup is still strong.

I am like a child who needs others. “In the process of personality development, we all go through stages of separation from parents, such as birth and adolescence,” the psychoanalyst offers another explanation. “It’s hard for some people, because for them to separate means to become vulnerable. When we lack self-confidence, our biggest fear is losing our footing.”

Separation generates feelings of anxiety, while connection calms. Therefore, so often former partners convince themselves that everything is fine and everyone gets along well with each other: children, former and new partners! “This pleasant fantasy is caused by the need to feel one’s belonging to the group,” says Geneviève Abrial. So we are less tormented by self-doubt.

I can’t bear the pain of a breakup. The rupture reopens old wounds. The image of the former partner brings back to the image of our parents. And if in childhood we felt abandoned, if we suffered from a lack of attention and care (for example, parents were too busy at work, very tired, or the youngest child was born in the family), then the loss of a dear person causes us very strong emotions, and pain can become unbearable. There is a feeling of emptiness that urgently needs to be filled. We, as in childhood, try to alleviate the anxiety of separation. In this case, we separate from the former partner only a little.

What to do

• End the relationship by saying thank you. After a breakup, you need to go through sadness and rethink the relationship. Give yourself time to realize your real needs, desires, emotions. Perhaps you will find something to thank the person you broke up for: “Thank you for everything you gave me, for everything you did for me, for the happy time that we spent together, for what you taught me” . Recognizing the value of a relationship is a good way to end it.
• Ask yourself the right questions. Ask yourself: “How do I really feel about my ex-partner? What do I expect from our relationship today? Am I still angry, am I sad? I’m afraid? What misunderstandings remain between us? Resentment? Expectations? True friendship can be born out of love, long and sincere. Provided that you treat yourself the same way – sincerely and friendly.
• Regain confidence in yourself. For someone who stays in a relationship out of fear of losing ground, it is especially important to restore self-esteem and feel safe. Working with a psychologist will help you better understand the source of your anxiety and feelings of vulnerability. Especially if your loneliness makes you resentful and angry, makes you suffer from humiliation.