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“I’m doing disgusting!” How often do you hear this phrase? Probably not. After all, society does not encourage the manifestation of “negative” emotions. Let’s see if this is good or bad, and if it’s worth shifting the norm
About the expert: Anton Votrin, psychologist, coordinator of the media project about psychology “Pure Cognitions”.
Discrimination of “negative” emotions
According to the unwritten norms of interaction, it is considered that to seriously answer the question “How are you?” it does not follow. It is worth shrugging it off and pretending that things are going great. The duty phrase assumes a standard response.
Talking about your problems (and problems in general) is not accepted. And it’s not limited to secular or work situations. It is often impossible to say that things are going badly when you communicate with loved ones. The exception is, perhaps, only moments of obvious distress. But even then, one can notice a tendency to downplay the problem, to make it less significant: “Oh, not everything is so scary! Just nonsense! On the other hand, we can hear phrases that reinforce such interaction: “Only don’t need negativity here!”, “Get together!” and “Yes, everything is fine…”
Anton Votrin:
“In the era of sentimentalism, it was considered completely normal to cry in public, to be openly jealous. When we read adventure novels like The Three Musketeers, we can see many scenes where the characters show expression. In the XNUMXth century, this was no longer socially acceptable. There are no bad, negative emotions – all emotions are useful, adaptive, help to survive, signal us about something – but there are emotions that society considers negative and does not encourage. For example, anger or fear.
Psychologists say that discrimination against negative emotions is not very useful: neither for the individual nor for society as a whole. Perhaps that is why, according to Anton Votrin, “now you can notice the trend of“ new sincerity ”when the expression of the full range of emotions is encouraged, the demonstration of“ the real oneself ”.
“Many bloggers talk about their personal experiences, even very difficult ones. Gradually, in some countries, the situation is beginning to change towards a normalization of greater openness.”
Why are people afraid to express their feelings?
There are several reasons why people are afraid to be sincere:
- Fear of conflict. Many people are afraid that talking about real problems and feelings will cause a negative reaction from the interlocutor and provoke an unpleasant discussion. For example, if a person was not ready to speak on a particular topic, or if the topic is considered taboo.
- Fear of being labeled “problematic”. Even if there is no direct conflict, people are aware that there is a risk of ruining their reputation. Many are afraid to seem like a complainer, a whiner and someone who “negatives” everyone.
- Fear of falling in your own eyes. To admit that things are not very good, according to many, is to sign your failure, to show that you are “not coping”. Hint about it to others and, first of all, to yourself.
- Fear that others won’t care. The belief that any interest shown is merely courtesy may also play a role. In a series of situations where this is true, those situations where it would be appropriate to say honestly are lost. A person can unlearn how to notice them.
- Feeling that problems and feelings are not important. And not worth even thinking about them, and even less worth it to upset other people with them.
- Habit. People who grew up in families where there was a strict ban on crying and expressing discontent do not talk about their problems more often. At the same time, the ban on feelings was not explained and was not motivated by anything.
In a separate line, it is worth noting that society often strives for a “beautiful picture”, good news and a great mood. Next to the “new sincerity”, we can notice active calls for an optimistic view of things and exhortations that the “negativity” must be driven away from oneself in every possible way. Both science calls “toxic positivity.”
Anton Votrin:
“The extent to which a person is open and will share something bad, difficult experiences depends on how capable he is of doing this: whether he knows how to express emotions, whether he has the skills to seek help. And how other people react to his emotions and support him. If a person knows that the environment does not encourage conversations on certain topics and reacts negatively to them, he needs even more work on himself in order to express everything as it is. In addition, people have personal psychological characteristics: anxiety, isolation, self-doubt. All this in a complex, like a container, is thrown into a person, and forms his behavior.
Why is it bad to hide your feelings?
According to the expert, when we suppress our emotions for a long time, do not share our experiences with anyone, this leads to tension. Prolonged stress leads to stress, and the quality of life deteriorates. Mood decreases, anxiety rises, depression may occur. We tense up and that’s bad. At the same time, it is worth noting that the idea that suppression of emotions leads to physical illness is a myth. Coronavirus or hemorrhoids from the suppression of emotions will not appear.
Psychologists from Michigan State University found that the more often a person smiles a fake smile during the day, the more alcohol they drink in the evening. However, an inverse relationship is also possible here: people can be initially unhappy, and therefore forced to fake a smile. At a minimum, however, a fake smile during the work day does not significantly increase happiness levels.
Another study shows that satisfaction with life and personal relationships falls more when you hide your negative emotions. Imitation of joy lowers mood, but not so much. The effects are more pronounced in extroverts.
Another small experiment showed that trying to hide emotions is bad for cognition. The subjects were divided into two groups. One group was shown a series of slides with an unpleasant picture included and allowed to express emotions, and the second group was shown the same slides, but not allowed to react to them. Afterwards, participants in both groups were asked to take a memory test of a text presented next to an unpleasant picture. Those who did not suppress their emotions were more successful on the test.
How to deal with this?
There is no simple answer. This is a case when it is necessary to approach in a complex way: to change the behavior and attitude of both individuals and society, to refine the norms and rules. The expert believes that it makes sense to do the following:
- Learn to express emotionsи. The easiest skill you can try to learn for competent expression of emotions is “I-messages”, when we learn to say “I feel anxious right now”, “I feel bad”, “I am angry with you”, “I am offended”. It is also worth learning techniques for coping with stress and mindfulness. To express emotions, you first need to learn to notice and distinguish them. For this, tables of emotions with examples of their physiological characteristics and the thoughts accompanying them are very helpful. When you’re feeling down, use proven coping strategies such as asking friends for help, talking to a trusted person, seeing a therapist. It is far from always possible to speak openly about your feelings, to speak out, and if the feelings are strong enough and you could not relieve stress, look for alternative ways to express, think about how, when and with whom you could share your feelings, if not directly, then indirectly.
- Try to change the social context. You can have all sorts of skills, but if the environment is not safe and trying to be sincere will bring only costs, psychotherapy will not work. Efforts should be made to create and maintain a safe environment. Allow others to express emotions and be sincere around you, encourage openness. Watch the emotional situation in those communities where you are present: do they support each other enough there, is it safe there. Support bloggers, media, opinion leaders who talk about how it is useful to express emotions, demonstrate the right role models, popularize psychotherapy, explain that tears, fears and other “difficult” feelings are normal. Encourage educational projects that educate parents about a competent and non-violent approach to raising children.