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They never show up on time for a date, a friendly party or a business meeting, dooming others to an endless wait. Why are some of us chronically late?
to be desired
Being late has a lot of hidden meanings, says Gestalt therapist Nifont Dolgopolov. But there is a common denominator – a late person always imposes a game on others by his own rules: while waiting, it is impossible not to think about who is late.
“He passionately wants to be desired,” explains the therapist. “Constantly breaking the time of the meeting, such a person seems to score points, because everyone is waiting for him, talking about him, worrying … Getting into the spotlight, he increases his self-esteem, begins to think better about himself.”
The same demeanor is characteristic of narcissistic natures: one who is completely absorbed in himself, his own needs, easily neglects the time and feelings of other people.
Disobey the rules
Another reason for being late is unconscious resistance to any social rules and norms.
“Those who experienced strong parental pressure in early childhood, those who have always been strictly controlled or overprotected, often choose “protest behavior,” explains Nifont Dolgopolov. “Coming on time for such a person means once again submitting to the dictates of the norms and rules imposed on him, and he involuntarily tries to avoid this.”
“Any deadline scared me as a threat to my freedom”
Tatyana, 43 years old, florist
“For many years, I couldn’t bring myself to be on time to work, to meetings, and even picked up the children from kindergarten last. They offended me, but I could not help myself. Meeting with a psychotherapist helped me understand the reason for being late. My parents aspired to ensure that I grew up as a “diversified person.” Music, drawing, swimming… My life was scheduled by the minute. There was no question of just hanging out with friends. Therefore, as an adult, I began to perceive any schedules and deadlines as a threat to myself, my life, freedom, and involuntarily “resisted” them.
Feel your power
To make you wait means to make you suffer. Constantly lingering, a person puts the expectant in an uncomfortable situation, and then, with his appearance, seems to save him.
“Thanks to another person, he can feel his power, his strength,” says psychoanalyst Jean-Pierre Winter. “Some doctors and officials are especially skillful in such a sadistic style of behavior: they often unconsciously force visitors to wait for them for a long time and meekly, and then “free” them from long languor and feel like benefactors – the tormentor turns into a savior.”
But among those who are constantly late, there are those who try very hard to be punctual, but they can’t do it.
“In this case, a person is often driven by the fear of being unsuccessful, awkward, unconvincing in communicating with other people: at an interview, at an exam, during business negotiations,” says Nifont Dolgopolov. “In an attempt to avoid another ‘defeat’, he unconsciously delays the start of the meeting, hoping perhaps to avoid a situation in which he would have to compare himself with other people altogether.”
What to do?
Understand the reasons for your delays
Listen to yourself: how do you feel when you are late for something? Are you anxious? Try to understand the cause of your fears – yourself or with the help of a therapist. Are you embarrassed and have to apologize? Perhaps by constantly disrupting the meeting time, you are creating situations that help you deal with unconscious guilt. By understanding the reason for your lateness, you will finally learn to arrive on time.
Put yourself in the place of others
How does someone who constantly waits for you feel? Imagine yourself in his place, and you can see how unpleasant the waiting situation is. What do you feel when you have to wait? Powerlessness, anger, resentment? How do you feel about the senseless waste of time? Does she irritate you, cause resentment? Perhaps now it will be easier for you to realize the need to respect other people and value their time.
Learn to manage your time
Set yourself rigid rules and follow them as if all your meetings are equally important. Calculate in advance the time you will spend on packing and on the road, and prepare for what awaits you at this meeting. Thus, you will get rid of fears, which, perhaps, are the reason for your delays.
Tips for others
A few delays can be tolerated. But if they happen all the time, and you do not say anything to the latecomer, you become his “accomplice”. Decide whether to continue playing the game—for example, because it gives your loved one pleasure—or admit that it is an unhealthy symptom. And if you want to break this unpleasant habit, do this: arrive at each meeting on time and leave ten minutes later. In this way, you will make it clear to the constantly late person that you no longer intend to waste your time on tedious waiting.