Each month, a reader of Psychologies gets the opportunity to have a consultation with a psychotherapist. The conversation is recorded on a dictaphone: this makes it possible to understand what is actually happening in the psychotherapist’s office. This time, Eva came to see Robert Neuburger.
Robert Neuburger: Tell us about your family, who are they, what do they do?
Eva: My first husband is a very handsome man, but not very smart — I was very embarrassed about this. Now I am married, we have a lot in common with Denis, but outwardly he is not at all remarkable. And when my acquaintances meet me with him, I feel very embarrassed.
R. N .: Are your parents alive? Do you have brothers or sisters?
Eva: My parents passed away ten years ago. We are four sisters, I am the youngest. And we get along well with each other.
R. N .: Do you remember the first time you felt shame?
Eva: Yes, it was in my childhood. I never invited friends home because I was ashamed of my father. He was an alcoholic. But why now, when so many years have passed and my father is no longer alive, do I feel ashamed of other relatives? I just do not understand.
R. N .: And besides your father, was there someone in your family whom you are now ashamed of as much?
Eva: One of my sisters dresses so pretentiously and eccentrically that I am ashamed to go out with her even though I love her. (After a pause.) I was also ashamed of my daughter: as a child, she seemed to me too clumsy and too shy. Although now, when she is already twenty and she left to study, I admire her.
R. N .: So now you are shy of your sister and husband?
Eva: Not only. I’d rather not be out on the street with any of my family.
R. N .: With no one?
Eva: Yes, next to relatives I always feel very uncomfortable.
R. N .: Your sisters, their husbands, children, your husband — are you uncomfortable around any of them? Can we say that you are shy of everything personal? Everything that concerns your family and married life?
Eva: Yes, probably so. I live in a small town, I work in the largest company, everyone knows me. Shyness limits my life: I don’t go with my husband for groceries, to the movies, we don’t go to restaurants with our loved ones…
R. N .: You avoid such encounters, but what happened when they did happen?
Eva: My hands instantly sweated, my heart began to pound, and I … ran away. I am very angry with myself for this. The husband is valued at work, and our friends love him. And no one expects me to have some special man.
R. N .: Does your husband know that you are ashamed of him?
Eva: No, I never told anyone about it. Denis often offers to pick me up from work or take me to some event, and I find a million reasons why this should not be done. He must be feeling something, but he doesn’t ask me anything.
R. N .: Do you get along with his colleagues?
Eva: Yes, everything is great. Together with him we go to visit them, we meet on weekends. This happens all the time.
R. N .: Because it’s not your environment?
Eva: Exactly.
R. N .: That is, you have a normal life — you meet friends, go somewhere, travel together.
Eva: And I always feel so good when we leave our town!
R. N .: Have you been ashamed of your husband in front of your mother or sisters?
EVE (After a long pause, puzzled): No. But in our family they pay special attention to appearance. I always knew that a girl should only date handsome men. My first husband was handsome and loved by all my relatives. And when I introduced them to Denis, I was worried that they would not like him, but …
R. N .: You were not ashamed of him, but were afraid of how his relatives would appreciate him? Tell us more about the attitude to the appearance of people in your family. It is very unusual…
Eva: For my sisters, only appearance matters. A man must be handsome. Children must be beautiful. They themselves are beautiful women, and our mother was a beauty.
R. N .: I think that your sense of shame may have something to do with the fact that you do not want other people to see how close you are with your sisters and with your husband ….
Eva: With my husband… Yes, it is. What about sisters?
R. N .: The same. Deep down, you seem to be embarrassed to be part of this family, and your couple too. As if there is something shameful in the vicinity.
Eva: This is true. I don’t have family photos at work, and I can’t stand personal questions. I don’t like talking about my family.
R. N .: How free do you feel in sex?
Eva: Quite freely.
R. N .: That is, you did not have traumatic situations related to your father or someone else?
Eva: No, never.
R. N .: It seems to me that your sense of shame is caused by your family history. Not with intimate relationships, as I might have assumed on another occasion. I think that the reasons for your experiences are connected with some old family history, with your grandparents … What do you know about them?
Eva: A little. My mother’s parents lived in a small town not far from where I now live. Grandfather worked far from home and did not take care of his family. Grandma worked hard to raise her children. I don’t know anything about my father’s parents.
R. N .: Curious that you know so little.
Eva: I don’t even know where they are buried. I actually spent very little time with my relatives.
R. N .: Even so, there are some stories, objects and things that are passed down from generation to generation…
Eva: My sisters and I tried to start some kind of genealogical research. But none of the relatives know about anything.
R. N .: And the elders too? Here, perhaps, is hidden a story that has affected several generations. I think it’s very likely. I think you need to dig deeper. There are always people who have something to tell. You just need to search. Surely someone from the environment of your grandparents is still alive, who knew them and who remembers something.
Eva: Do you mean some kind of drama?
R. N .: I would say, rather a situation of shame. What could have triggered it in your family? Where does this insistence on appearance come from? Perhaps there is not a very good story behind this. Such a cult of beauty in the family is extremely rare, and it can compensate for something experienced by the family in the distant past. I work with families, but this is the first time I’ve heard of this.
Eva: You know, in our family you can be stupid, but you can’t be ugly. And vice versa, if you are handsome, then everything is in order.
R. N .: Yes, beauty hides something important. Maybe something happened during the war? Maybe you don’t have to dig deeper. During the war, some behave differently than in peacetime. Is your experience related to that time? Your sisters also carry this shame, but in a different form.
Eva: It comforts me that at least I don’t have to go to a psychiatrist!
R. N .: It would be useless for you: without knowing your history, it is difficult to move forward.
Eva: Yes, when I try to understand myself, I seem to run into a blank wall.
R. N .: Great comparison. So go ahead, be a pioneer in your family!
For privacy reasons, we have changed names and some personal details. The recording of the conversation is published with abbreviations and with the consent of Eve.
In a month
Eva: “The advice given to me by a psychotherapist involves titanic work. Who to contact? How do I get started without anyone in my family knowing? There is, of course, a rational grain in this hypothesis. But I decided first to consult a psychologist who deals with family history and transgenerational relationships. And then, I forgot to ask one question that torments me — why am I not ashamed of myself?
Robert Neuburger: “Shame for your loved ones” — this symptom in itself does not mean anything. Different problems may manifest in the same way. Therefore, the therapist asks questions every time, makes assumptions. I assumed a sexual problem. Then a more plausible assumption arose — perhaps there is some secret in the history of this family. He gave birth to this myth that form is more important than content. Eve has to figure out what this cult of beauty means? What’s behind it?»