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They are embarrassed to talk about their parents, family history and social status. Where does this feeling of humiliation mixed with guilt come from? And how do you learn to accept your origin?
“Every time I visit my parents, I feel ashamed,” says Ludmila, a 29-year-old nurse. – Provincial interiors, a car “like people”, idiotic programs that they watch on TV … My relatives are the exact opposite of my husband’s relatives, cultured and elegant. This makes my husband smile, and I feel embarrassed and annoyed. But I’m holding my own.”
Behind the irritation lies the fear of rejection—not being accepted into the society we want for ourselves, or by the people we value.
Historical memory
This fear has deep roots in our country. “We went through periods of social upheaval, and the origin was often blamed, became the cause of repression,” explains family psychologist Inna Shifanova. “The absence of worker-peasant ancestors, nationality (“the fifth point”) could become in the USSR the reason for refusing to be admitted to a university, to work, to travel abroad.”
The situation has changed, but many saw how parents suffer from humiliation, and some families hid their history, resorting to forced lies and silences. “It creates an atmosphere of anxiety and gives rise to an unconscious fear of exposure. Such a painful attitude is passed down from generation to generation, so serious work, personal and public, is needed to overcome it.”
Ramil, 35 years old, teacher of mathematics
“I was born in Moscow in a Tatar family, but from childhood I was ashamed of this. At school, I introduced myself as Roman and demanded from my parents that they also call me Roma. And while studying at the institute, he went to the other extreme – he wore a road worker’s vest for show: “I’m a guest worker!” I fell in love with a Russian girl, but did not dare to admit to my father and mother that I wanted to marry her, and so I turned out to be “a stranger among my own.” But then I came to the conclusion that all people have one nationality – earthlings. The rest is our history, it should not be ashamed, just as it should not be turned into an excuse for superiority over others. Now my son is growing up, I try to speak Tatar with him and I myself recall with pleasure my native language, which I almost began to forget.”
I don’t know where my place is
According to Maureen Boisgen, a specialist in the psychotherapeutic treatment of intergenerational problems, the feeling of shame arises from the discrepancy between the personality of a person (or who he became) and the environment from which he came out.
“He constantly feels his own irrelevance, lives with a sense of undeservedness of his achievements and involuntarily begins to wonder about who he really is.” This explains the irritation. “This is how repressed anger manifests itself – anger at our parents, as if they did not take enough care of us and did not provide the origin that we consider worthy of ourselves,” adds Inna Shifanova.
I hesitate to surpass my parents
Shame for the origin – the fate of those who broke away from the parental environment, markedly changed the environment. “This fact is connected with the oedipal complex, with the moment when the child is forced to equal his own father for the sake of his own development, and then surpass him,” says psychoanalyst Claude Janin. – If we manage to do this in adulthood, then the preserved childish part of the personality unconsciously condemns us for this, asking: “Who do you take yourself for?” – and thus generates shame and guilt.”
What to do?
Find something to be proud of
“It is useless to run away from your history: these attempts will only increase the shame and fear of exposure,” says Inna Shifanova. “It’s more useful to move towards her and find out as much as possible about your family. It will certainly reveal personalities that you can be proud of – brave, courageous, enterprising, loving people. Without such people, the race simply could not survive. Look for them in your family history.”
Carry out a reassessment
“Some family events today would receive a completely different assessment,” recalls psychotherapist Maureen Bougin. – For example, the birth of an illegitimate child was condemned by the society in which our ancestors lived. Therefore, it is worth mentally transferring painful episodes of the past into a modern context. In many cases, condemnation just doesn’t make sense.”
Realize what is happening
“Shame and guilt cause meaningless suffering and can become destructive if they begin to influence behavior,” says psychoanalyst Claude Janin. “Psychoanalysis allows you to realize where these experiences come from, what they are made up of, in order not to let them capture you.”