Contents
We love our relatives, we are attached to them. We are frightened by the thought that their life may suddenly end and we will have to live with this irreparable loss. During a critical period of life, such fear can become too intrusive and seriously affect our state of mind. What is happening to us at this moment and how can we help ourselves?
“I am constantly afraid for my loved ones. Like something happened to them. It’s very hard, I’m tired. Make me feel safe.»
Recently I received such a request, and it is not the only one of its kind. In connection with the coronavirus, such fears may become aggravated, preventing us from breathing calmly and sleeping at night…
Worrying about family is natural
Concern for relatives when they are in real danger can be felt by any of us. This is natural and normal. We are connected to close emotional and energetic bonds, and their eventual loss threatens our inner well-being. Hence the fear.
But if this excitement is too strong, if it was inherent in you even before the pandemic and continues for a long time, interferes with life and depletes you, then something should be done about it.
Search for reasons
To begin with, let’s try to figure out what could provoke increased anxiety for loved ones. Of course, each person will have their own deep foundations, which can be revealed in individual work with a psychologist. But here are the two most common reasons:
- the early loss of one of the parents or a painful separation that was not fully experienced. Then the fear of a repetition of the traumatic event remains in the unconscious;
- lack of inner support, deep connection with oneself and personal meaning of life outside the family and relationships with others.
Fear of losing yourself
If the reason lies in an unresolved loss, then this topic should definitely be discussed with a specialist. The way to solve the problem in this case is different for everyone.
But what happens if the cause of fear lies in the second option? In this case, the feeling of one’s own «I» is built through relationships with loved ones. Who am I, if not a mother, not a daughter, not a wife, not a sister — what is my life?
And then the fear of losing one of your relatives is more than the fear of losing a loved one. It is largely the fear of losing yourself.
With this value of relationships, we tend to over-focus on others, to try to make them feel good. And we often forget about ourselves. As a result, this leads to a weakening of the connection with ourselves. We forget about our desires, we are not in search of our own meanings: “I feel good when they feel good.”
What else can support and strengthen these feelings for loved ones? It is an unconscious feeling that our excitement contributes to the situation in some way: when I worry, at least I do something. This is a kind of protection against the inability to control the future.
The negative work of fear
It is clear that this is an illusion. Our experiences do not help those close to us in any way, do not give us control over the future, but our lives are significantly worsened.
- Fear consumes our mental energy, exhausts us, and it is difficult for us to go about our own life, to enjoy it.
- Fear narrows our consciousness, we stop noticing the good that is in our life, and those opportunities that could improve it.
- We spend time on these experiences that no one will make up for us.
How to help yourself?
Such fears are quite deep and individual, so it is difficult to give general recommendations here. However, if you are prone to this debilitating anxiety, you can try the following:
- Realize that these worries are not only pointless, but also harm our lives: “If this does not help me or my loved ones in any way, then why should I?”
- Catch yourself with these fears and return to the present moment, because fear is about the future, something that has not yet happened and does not know when it will happen.
- Returning to the present, try to fully enjoy what is happening, notice all the good things, spend more time with loved ones — now they are still with you.
- Take care of yourself, understand your needs and desires. Do not focus only on others, but ask yourself: “What do I want and how can I do well for myself?” Strengthen your connection with yourself.
- Explore your life outside of relationships with family and friends: your professional life (does it give you enough satisfaction and meaning?), your hobbies (do you have a hobby that gives you positive emotions?), your little pleasures (those that only for you). And invest more of your attention and energy in these areas. ⠀
And then, perhaps, your anxiety will subside, and you will have more space for yourself and for life in all its fullness and depth.