I’m afraid of being a bad mother

“My pregnancy was happy, I dreamed of taking care of the child, but now my daughter is six months old, and I often don’t understand what she needs, and sometimes I even get annoyed with her!” – 30-year-old Nastasya laments.

Although more and more fathers are involved in parenting, the influence of the mother is still emphasized. But “today’s economy cannot refuse the participation of a woman, which means that most women will not be able to devote themselves entirely to motherhood,” notes crisis and family psychologist Irina Shuvalova.

I’m torn. “If you change the perspective and look from the point of view of the woman herself,” the psychologist continues, “taking care only of children, she risks losing her independence, and this is one of the main values ​​of our time. Therefore, the majority tries to stay in the profession, and yet they still have to cope with raising a child, relationships with a partner, planning, and even with their own emotions!

This diversity gives rise to internal conflicts. Ideas about what it means to be “good” are contradictory in themselves: to realize oneself in the family or in work? Become like a mother or do the opposite? Can you make time for yourself? So women are doomed to doubt.

I’m losing my bearings. Becoming a parent means a lot. Our self-image, place, role, everyday life is changing. The familiar coordinate system is collapsing, new landmarks are required. There is something to worry about! According to psychoanalyst Virginie Meggle, mothers consider themselves “bad” when they feel weak: “It is a silent request for support, encouragement, to allay the feeling of loneliness. They need to be cheered up like a child who is having difficulty.” After all, raising children brings us back to our childhood and to our own weakness.

I want to be perfect. The feeling of impotence hides the “desire for omnipotence”. “Women have high demands on themselves, in the illusion of absolute power they imagine that they can be everything, give everything,” the psychoanalyst continues. But here comes the principle of reality: despite good intentions, they do not have power over everything, and even less over the child himself.

“The baby is defenseless, vulnerable and unable to communicate his needs, the mother must guess them, and this, of course, does not always happen,” recalls Irina Shuvalova. The greater the responsibility and fear for the child, the more acute the feeling of guilt and own imperfection, the stronger the desire to control everything, to insure everywhere, which, in turn, is doomed to defeat. So there is a vicious circle in which the mother loses her strength.

What to do

Ask for help

Anxiety will not help to better care for the child, especially since it is transmitted to him. So take care of yourself: seek support and help – primarily from the father of the child, but also from other people you trust. It’s not about stopping worrying, but about worrying “quality”, with greater benefit for yourself and for the child.

trust yourself

An abundance of parenting instructions and recommendations, sometimes mutually exclusive, can drive a woman who wants to do the right thing crazy. Look for answers, but trust yourself, listen to your feelings, follow your values, act in accordance with what seems good to you personally.

Be consistent

A child does not need a perfect mother. He needs a stable, consistent parent whose reactions are understandable and predictable: a parent who can be relied upon. Therefore, it is better to get angry and express dissatisfaction than to try to curb anger by feeling guilty. It is the contradictions between what the parent thinks, says, feels and does that are harmful to the child.