If at least once you reproached yourself for paying little attention to your child or, on the contrary, putting too much pressure on him; if you have ever thought that you as a parent are insolvent or not good enough, welcome to the club of «bad mothers». According to the ReForma charity program for mothers, more than 60% of women have experienced guilt towards their child at least once.
Perhaps, never before has the role of the mother been considered so important — and never before have such high, often impossible and contradictory demands been placed on mothers. And not even after the birth of a child, but almost from the moment of conception.
Do you eat right, do you go to courses for pregnant women, do you do all the necessary exercises? Or: Are you trying too hard, everything should be natural! As soon as a woman finds out that she will become a mother, a wave of conflicting information instantly falls upon her, which threatens to overwhelm her head. And this is just the beginning.
What diapers do you use, how long do you breastfeed your baby, do you take your baby to sleep with you or not, do you play educational games with him enough … Have you decided to devote yourself to motherhood and not go to work? You are degrading, the child will be ashamed of you! Went to work, and the baby in kindergarten? How could you, the baby needs constant contact with the mother!
After the birth of a child, the snowball of impossible demands grows every day, giving rise to self-doubt, anxiety, anxiety and guilt.
“Speaking of maternal guilt, we most likely mean a mother who is very responsible for raising a child. Perhaps she does not have “enough” experience, but there are always a bunch of advisers, whether they are relatives, friends, nurses, books and media.
She wants the best for the child and it seems that if she misses something, the consequences will be fatal and irreparable. She worries a lot in order to have time to fulfill all the recommendations from all the good books and articles, she believes that she is “underperforming,” explains Dina Magnat, head of client work at the Institute for the Development of Family Devices, trainer at the School of Foster Parents, invited expert of the program .
Reasons Moms May Feel Guilty
1. Influence of society
Recently, the phenomenon of child-centrism has become widespread — a phenomenon in which the interests of the child become a priority in the family. It assumes that you give your child maximum time and resources, and if you do not do this — or, in the opinion of others, do not do enough, you will immediately be labeled a «bad mother».
69% of the respondents who participated in the ReForma survey believe that they could cope better with motherhood and do more. 48,6% believe that they do not give their child enough time. 15,3% think they should give their family more time.
The problem is that there are no clear and objective criteria for a “good mother” and proper upbringing. No matter how much you do, there will be those who will say that it is not enough. Whatever method of education you choose, there is something to reproach you for.
Mothers are exhausted, striving for perfection, but they never achieve it: firstly, because perfection does not exist, and secondly, because the modern ideal of a “good mother” does not even have a clear outline.
2. Pressure from loved ones
Feelings of guilt can be caused by friends and family. At best, for noble reasons. Wanting to help, they can give advice, appealing to their own experience: “But I did this, and everything worked out.” At worst, openly criticize your methods.
It is especially difficult if your own mother does this. In this case, the lack of mutual understanding caused by the difference in generations is added to the violation of personal boundaries: it can be difficult for a mother to explain without leading to a conflict that what was considered the norm 30 years ago may be unacceptable in our time or personally for you.
“The feeling of one’s own incompetence, inability to properly raise a child and worthlessness very often visits many, and if not, then there are people who will remind of him. But a mother in a state of nervous exhaustion is much more harmful than TV,” writes psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya in the book “If it’s difficult with a child.”
3. Too high demands on yourself
However, we are often our own harshest critics. Inflated or unrealistic expectations of motherhood cause us to make the same demands on ourselves. You can distinguish them, for example, by the words «should», «always».
“Inadequate demands with the word “should” are a direct path to guilt. Irrational demands on yourself mean that you should be perfect, omniscient or omnipotent. Such perfectionist “rules of life” harm you by creating impossible expectations and making you inflexible.
One such example is «I should always be happy.» And here’s the corollary of this rule: every time you’re upset, you feel like a failure,» writes psychiatrist David Burns in Mood Therapy.
To paraphrase Burns, when you say to yourself, “I should be able to do everything” or “My child should always be happy,” you create unrealistic expectations, and when they are not met, you feel guilty.
How to deal with guilt
1. Seek support. The first thing to remember is that you are not alone. Many mothers experience similar feelings. If you do not find understanding among loved ones, this does not mean that you will not find it with anyone. There are many thematic groups on social networks where you will meet like-minded people.
Mothers of many children, foster mothers, as well as those who have children with special needs, can apply to the charity program is a free online course that helps women learn to take care of themselves without feeling guilty.
Ekaterina Molyukova, head of the ReForma program, explains: “The most important task of our program is to explain to mothers that taking care of yourself is good and right. Many of our members feel that by taking time for themselves, they are taking it away from their children.
For mothers with many children, adoptive and raising special children, this is especially dramatic. They do not reserve the right to their own lives, and as a result, many face depression and parental burnout.”
The ReForms program includes a course of webinars on proper nutrition, psychology, health care and beauty. The facilitators accompany the participants throughout the course, support them, help them cope with tasks and answer questions.
2. Don’t berate yourself for imperfection. If your child was in trouble — for example, he caught a cold or fell and hurt himself — you probably said to yourself: «I should have foreseen this!», «I should have known that …», «I could have prevented this.»
You may have reproached yourself for your slowness, sluggishness, lack of productivity. Don’t blame yourself. You are not a machine, you are a person and you cannot do everything. Don’t compare yourself to others and just tell yourself that you are doing the best you can because you are.
3. Don’t Focus on Mistakes On the contrary, praise yourself more often. It seems to us that if we scold ourselves properly, this will be a good incentive for development. But it is not. Everyone makes mistakes, it’s not a tragedy. You can learn from a mistake and move on. But praising yourself is just useful: it gives strength and confidence.
4. Don’t take criticism to heart. Those who criticize you are only human. They are also imperfect and wrong. They have the right to their opinion, so let them express it if they want. And you have a right to your own. After all, this is your life and you are responsible for your child. So the decisions are yours to make.