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If you are a mother, surely you have experienced the feeling of maternal guilt. It may be due to the fact that you spend less time with your child than you would like, feeding supposedly not healthy enough food. Or maybe the kids don’t look perfect in the photo. We tell you how not to fall into the trap of high expectations and stop considering yourself a bad parent.
Tennis player Serena Williams revealed on Twitter that her daughter, Alexis Olympia Ohanian Jr., started walking while she was in training. A month later, she wrote that she had not felt like a good mother lately. Her tweet received more than 3000 responses from mothers who admitted that they missed important milestones in their children’s lives and the feeling of guilt is familiar to them.
Actress Ekaterina Klimova, who is raising four children, admitted in an interview that she is not at home for a long time and this affects them. “Naturally, my mother’s conscience gnaws at me. It seems that I am a bad wife, mother, bad friend. Although first of all I am a busy actress.
You need to understand that life is not limited to only a child.
Even if you don’t disappear on tour or compete, or run your own business, you get the idea that you’re not good enough as a mother. Parents also have the right to private time. There are solutions that will help achieve harmony and get rid of guilt.
Remember, when you take time for yourself, your family wins.
Coach Ardenia Gould advises mothers, helping to combine work and caring for children. When asked when she herself last felt guilty, she admitted that she still feels it now. Every time she was going to go on vacation with friends, she felt guilty when her daughter asked about it. Gould said it was easier when she explained that taking time for herself benefits the family.
“I tell my daughter:“ I understand that it’s not very pleasant for you to watch me have a good time from the outside, but I promise that this will help you become an even better mother. If there is an opportunity to restore energy and take care of myself, I can take better care of you,” says Gould.
Maya Vorderstrasse, the author of a blog about motherhood, wrote on social networks that for 19 months she could not get her hair done because every time the thought of going to the stylist caused feelings of guilt. When I finally decided to get a haircut, I realized how important it is to take care of yourself, because it is good for children.
“For a long time I thought that by leaving the children to go about their business, I was neglecting parental responsibilities. I completely forgot about myself, and this is a very dangerous path.
you have the right to work
Women returning to work after having a baby can have internal conflict, says Michelle Kennedy. Michelle is the creator of the Peanut app, which helps mothers communicate.
“I want to be with the child, but at the same time it is important for me to show him that mom goes to work just like dad,” according to Kennedy, such thoughts arose in her after the birth of her son. And although she loved her work very much, the thought of missing milestones in the development of a child was unbearable. She scolded herself when she had to go on business trips. “At work, I was tormented by guilt because I wanted to come back and show everyone that I am the same Michelle as before. She pretended that the birth of a child did not change anything, although it changed everything.
Women are pressured by the image of the ideal mother, which offers mass culture
Michelle Kennedy believes that women should not hesitate to return to work if they want to. According to her, it is important to understand that life is not limited to a child. “Motherhood has become a part of life. Perhaps this is the best part of it, but not all,” she says.
Forget about the image of the ideal mother
Liz O’Donnell, author of The Businesswoman, Mom, and Housewife: How the Modern Woman Balances Everything, says they’re being weighed down by the image of the ideal mother offered by popular culture. “Our generation had mothers like Carol Brady on The Brady Family or Mrs Cunningham on Happy Days as role models. On sitcoms, all moms are perfect,” says O’Donnell.
The film and television industry has moved away from the image of a housewife, now we see on the screens of women who find the perfect balance between family and career. Katrina Alcorn, author of Maxed out: American Moms Pushed to the Limit and a blog dedicated to working mothers, says she never liked the idea of having everything at once.
“It sounds like we dream of living a luxurious life — watching TV shows all day on the couch. In fact, it just means that we want to be able to work and raise children. The problem is that for many women, “having everything at once” turns into “doing everything at once.” But none of us can handle everything alone. We need support. The child is raised by the whole village, ”comments Elcorn.
“My mother told me that the secret to success for working mothers is not to force yourself to give 100% everywhere and remember that usually 80% is enough. Get the idea of the perfect mother out of your head,” says Nicole Rogers, director of the Family Story project, dedicated to unusual families.
Photos of an ideal life are not life itself
Liz O’Donnell reminds us that we compare ourselves to others and social networks play a big role in this. Not only do celebrities brag about their perfect body after giving birth, but friends regularly post photos of their children’s birthdays.
“In social networks, we see the best moments in the lives of friends. We get home from work ourselves, change into flannel pajamas, have cereal with milk for dinner. And friends celebrated the birthday of the child. And we ask ourselves: «Why can’t I live so well?» We don’t compare ourselves to stars, but to friends and neighbors,” says O’Donnell. She advises to drop the word “should” from the lexicon. “Everything starts with this word. I should be making cookies, or I should have been promoted to partner in the firm by now, or I should have taken on this project.”
In addition to smiles and sunny days, there are also sleepless nights, soiled clothes and sobs.
Gina Chicatelli Chiagne, certified breastfeeding consultant, child and maternal health expert, also believes that social media fuels maternal guilt: “In addition to smiles and sunny days, there are sleepless nights, soiled clothes and sobs. This is part of life. Many try to show only the brightest and most joyful moments. But everyone has to go through hard times too. When mothers see the success of other people’s children, they may feel inferior and a desire to compete.
Allow yourself to be wrong
Ardenia Gould recalls a period when guilt consumed her. When her own mother was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, Gould helped her through chemo, bouncing back and forth between Dallas and Houston. She left her daughter with relatives: “I was tormented by guilt. I said to myself: “The child has a lot of problems, I’m not at home. I have an old mother and a little daughter, and I don’t know if I’m doing everything right. I’m just trying every day to find the best option.»
According to Gould, she learned to allow herself to make the right decisions without blaming herself for being a bad mother. She recently posted a story about how, after a meeting, she managed to come to her daughter’s speech 5 minutes before the end. Instead of scolding herself, she, on the contrary, tried to give herself credit: “I came already the curtain and said to myself:“ Yes, I missed everything, but I’m here, I tried to come. I wanted her to see me. The daughter said: “Mom, you missed everything,” and I replied: “I know, but still I came.”