New research has shown that we can consciously increase or decrease the feeling of love. It’s like turning the volume up or down on a radio. How to learn it? Will it help to cope with the sadness of forced separations or the pain of parting?
Infatuation, strong emotional attachment to a partner or sexual desire – all this seems to be an uncontrollable force of nature. Love is one of the most powerful feelings, and sometimes it seems that it rolls over like a tidal wave. What can we do about the tide? Nothing. So how can love be controlled? Yes and no…
Yes, because love is very dependent on our thoughts (more on that below). No, and there are two reasons for this: in addition to thoughts, we have biochemical reactions that also determine feelings. Just like hunger. We cannot suppress it, but we can decide when and what to eat. The same with love: falling in love is a property of our nature, since this need serves our reproduction.
The desire to love can be equated with the need to eat and sleep. But if we cannot forbid ourselves to fall in love, then at least we can change the intensity of passions? Yes, it turns out that love can be regulated – consciously strengthen or weaken its power. A recently published XNUMX-month long psychological study confirms that this ability maintains our “healthy mind.”
Researchers – psychologists from the University of Missouri – believe that those who are able to influence the emotional state in general and the strength of their own love feelings make an important contribution to their mental health.
Love regulation is the use of behavioral and cognitive strategies to change the intensity of feelings
A survey of more than 250 participants found that those who believed they could regulate and alter normal feelings, such as cheerfulness or fear, also believed they could decrease or increase love, sexual desire, or attachment. Some participants were even able to cognitively reframe emotionally charged situations or intense emotional states when they felt the need to do so.
They also saw in others this ability to overestimate love feelings. However, there were many such respondents who were convinced that they could not “mute” falling in love. In addition, most of the subjects did not believe that it was possible to fall in love at the touch of a button or to purposefully launch, like a starter in a car, affection and sexual desire. Psychologists believe that it is useful to build on these beliefs in order to be able to use the “regulator” of feelings in everyday life.
Strategies for everyday life
Psychologists have learned to work with “loud” emotions and feelings – anxiety, anger, fear. But what about love? Will Cupid listen to us? For example, if after a sudden breakup we manage to release painful feelings and thoughts and gradually reassess the situation, this will be much healthier than remaining in the emotionally charged state that occurs immediately after a breakup.
Or if love weakens in the process of partnership, then sooner or later the question arises: how to experience this feeling again in the same union? The range of tools is varied, ranging from working together, better managing emotional stress, paying more attention to yourself and your partner’s feelings, to couples therapy. Do you think you can regulate the degree of your immersion in love? And if love is weaker than we would like? Research has shown that love fades over time and that separations, especially long ones, are one of the leading causes of divorce.
What if love is stronger than we want? For example, when one of the partners leaves and for him this is a hard-won, “brought to readiness” decision. Most often at this moment he does not have any love experiences. But they are for someone for whom the announcement of parting is like a bolt from the blue. In such situations, it would be useful to regulate love.
If you are unhappy in love and would like to ease your feelings, turn away from your object and don’t think about it all the time.
Love regulation is the use of behavioral and cognitive strategies to change the intensity of feelings. Research has shown that it is possible to regulate love. It is well known that negative and positive emotions (anxiety, fear, anger, joy, delight) can be regulated both upwards and downwards through certain strategies – distraction, cognitive reappraisal and expressive suppression.
Cognitive reappraisal is considered to be an effective and adaptive strategy and involves changing the interpretation of the situation, due to which the intensity of emotions changes. Expressive suppression involves the suppression of emotions, a ban on their expression.
This is rather a socially acceptable way, but it does not alleviate our condition at all. Moreover, it is harmful and even dangerous. Despite the ongoing debate about whether to consider love as an emotion or not, previous research has shown that it can be regulated through cognitive reappraisal and switching attention to other significant situations, affairs, feelings.
Looking for pros and cons
As the study showed, a negative attitude towards a former partner reduced the level of love for him. In another study, thinking about a loved one’s bad traits, about the negative aspects of the relationship, about imagining unfavorable future scenarios with him (negative reappraisal) reduced both infatuation and attachment.
And vice versa: thinking about the pleasant features of a loved one or the good sides of a relationship, about imagined positive scenarios for the future with him (positive reappraisal) increased attachment. Yes, consider yourself wearing rose-colored glasses. However, they were already on you at the moment of the start of love – at the stage of falling in love, when you saw only the best in the object of your passion.
Tired of high love tension? Take off your glasses and be realistic. The intensity of passion will immediately decrease. If you are unhappy in love and would like to ease your feelings, turn away from your object and don’t think about it all the time. Think about what is dear to you: friends, pets, hobbies, art, travel. In this way, you can consciously allow your feelings to move in a direction that relieves pain and unpleasant experiences.
In the same way, one can regulate sexual desire by imagining or fantasizing about certain situations or by focusing on the advantages and virtues of one’s body, the desired sensations. In one study, men were instructed to suppress their emotional responses when watching an erotic film. As a result, they admitted that sexual arousal was reduced compared to situations in which they allowed themselves to express emotions openly.
Women, who were ordered to immerse themselves in the erotic film as much as possible, experienced not only emotional, but even genital arousal. Unlike women who were prescribed to suppress sexual arousal. And this means that we can give ourselves such instructions and regulate the power of love and sexual desire.