«I love and that’s it»: monologues of women who are waiting for men from prison

Now in our country there are almost 500 thousand people in places of deprivation of liberty. Most of the Russian prisoners are men.

It is impossible to bring all these people to a common denominator, each has its own destiny and history. Some are abandoned by their families, while others are supported by their parents. But there are criminals who are waiting for their loved ones in the wild.

On the Internet, such girls are ironically and semi-squeamishly called «waiters», there are even public pages in which prisoners and their ladies are ridiculed. By default, it is assumed that «waiting» represents a marginal section of society, but this is not always the case.

Crime journalist NGS found seven residents of Novosibirsk, waiting right now for their husbands from places of deprivation of liberty. Our colleagues specifically chose girls of different professions and social status, with dissimilar worldviews and experience in relationships.

They are waiting for murderers, rapists, robbers and drug dealers (we basically looked for different articles of the Criminal Code and once again we were convinced that drugs are a truly “people’s” article. But this is a topic for another close study, which we will definitely do soon). The heroines are united only by the idea that love is worth the wait. And that’s why.

Marina, 32 years old

Nurse. Waiting 5 years, 4 years left. Article 228 — sale of narcotic drugs on an especially large scale.

I love the military. I love the army, men in uniform. She herself tried to get into the army under a contract. All my life was connected with the army and football. I even met with the military — he wanted to take me to Ingushetia. But it didn’t work out.

I never had a serious relationship before my husband.. Did not want. I traveled around the cities, looking for myself, working. I took care of myself more. My first incomplete education is a teacher of Russian and literature. Then she went into medicine — to manage children, to treat. I was looking for myself, enjoying life. She herself is from Volgograd, she lived in Anapa for a year from across the sea, wherever she lived. She moved to Novosibirsk because of her husband — he is in Toguchin.

We met by chance, he was already sitting. Mobile phones are in use in the colony, the administration closes its eyes. I write poetry and prose. I sat in a thematic group. He wrote: “Hi, how are you, why are you sad?” We just talked.

At first, he didn’t say why he calls only at night, “I work at a factory.” We talked for two weeks, he told me, I asked, maybe what kind of package to collect? He answered: “What package? You’d better get married.» I am easy going. I took it and left. Although I was 27 years old, how many times I got married, there were no such thoughts at all. But here — no problem. He sent me money for a ticket.

I didn’t think at all. Somehow intuitively got married. Met a lot of guys. But it didn’t happen that I was getting married — that’s all. And then I went right away, I saw the groom only from photos and video calls. August 30 is my birthday and wedding day. Two weeks later, I went on a long date. Regret — never regretted.

He sits in Toguchin — there is a strict regime and first-timers (prisoners serving their sentences for the first time. — Note. Ed.). Sales, extra large size. He himself only smoked weed, well, like everyone else. But these salts that he sold, he says that he did not use them. But I haven’t lived with him before, how can I know for sure? He lived with his mother, was not seen.

My mother-in-law initially took me with hostility. “What do you want from him, where did you find him?” What do I need from him? He has nothing in his soul. The mother-in-law is wayward, we try to see each other once every six months, not more often. I have now taken over all the affairs — both transfers and dates. He got a job there. He transfers my salary, I spend this money on a date.

Anna, 25 years

Marketer. Waiting 2 years 6 months, 6 years left. Raises a common daughter. Article 228 — sale of narcotic drugs.

Husband has been in development for over a month. I was sitting at home, at the computer, his brother called and said that investigators had taken me away. Two minutes from our house. I run there, pregnant, in the ninth month. With the phone in hand, I take pictures of what is happening there. He was already in the car, in handcuffs, in a tinted car. But I saw him on the day when they came home with a search.

He was a pawnbroker. He told me that he works in a hairdressing store, that he and his friends install equipment. This was the version for us, for the family. They organized everything themselves. A friend made a store, my husband was a driver, the third guy was a pawnbroker, he scattered all this. Sooner or later it had to be stopped, and they did. While he was looking for a new job, he was detained.

He says he wanted to make money. But it’s a shame — he didn’t earn anything and went to jail. I saved up the amount that we spent in two months. I don’t understand why they needed it. That he, that his best friend — both worked at the factory, received well. There have always been 40-50 thousand. They gave him eight and a half years, the shortest. Two years have passed.

We have never been touched by drugs or crime. He told the first time about how everything is arranged there. Red, black, looking. I don’t want to get into it. There is a hierarchy of floors, he sits on a regular floor. I didn’t really go into it, he just says now that everything is fine with him. That’s enough for me. Calls as often as possible.

I am horrified by his article.. It seemed to me that he had the brains not to mess with drugs. Yes, and the article itself … Yes, the person himself chooses — to buy it or not to buy it, to raise this bookmark or leave it in place. But you need to breed less rubbish yourself.

The hardest thing at first is separation and lack of connection.. I just pulled myself together at some point and said to myself: “Either I whine, or I will get out of this state.” I just had a daughter, and I had no time to deal with these thoughts. It was hard for a pregnant woman to walk, I could not give birth, I had a lot of stress.

Only a week later, when I told my brother and mother everything, I started crying, I couldn’t before. And then 10 months later she cried. Alenka was born, and I have hysterics after hysterics. I thought it would get crazy soon. I’m used to the fact that he does everything around the house, I only cook food. I went to the store, and I have crocodile tears from the fact that I have not encountered such a year, such impotence.

He saw his daughter once in court, 15 seconds, when they led him under escort. Then I didn’t take her to court with me. So far there have been no dates due to quarantine, but I will go to the first one with my daughter and mother-in-law. I do not want to take my daughter, but they have never seen each other, she is a conscientious person, she talks. We need to finally get to know them.

I have no plans to invent a legend for my daughter. But there will be difficulties — she will go to school and kindergarten, and it is not clear what to do in this situation, it is not clear how other children and how teachers will react to this. I will consult with a psychologist. But I would like to tell you how it really is. Maybe not in details, but in general.

My mother treats my husband like all mothers. Father calmly. He is such a person that if a family is for life, and it doesn’t matter if he drinks or beats. He is interested in her husband, and his mother takes hostility. This topic is taboo in my family. I only have three friends who know what happened. The rest — well, there was a husband and disappeared somewhere.

I don’t know how to answer the question whether I’m waiting or not. I have no plans to leave him and look for another family, but I have no plans to wait, no matter what. I have an ordinary life that needs to be adapted to the fact that I live alone with my daughter. How it will turn out there, I don’t know. There is no mode at all. Therefore, I usually do not answer this question.

I miss my husband very much. We had a really good relationship, and a cool family was, almost perfect. There has never been a case where someone suits me so well. Of course, I scrolled in my head what would happen, whether I could stare at another man. Now I can’t really.

The topic of transmissions bypassed me, my mother-in-law does this. By default, they help him, but not us. But I have a mother who insures me. And I work from home, I earn normally, we have enough.

I’m afraid he will change there. There they learn to get out even more. I’m talking to my husband and I see the same attitude towards the police, not very good, I see the same attitude towards people in general, that everyone is guilty in his own way in his life. There are no radical changes.

He goes to school there, he has the opportunity to unlearn grades 10-11, and he decided to take advantage of this opportunity. I suspect that he does it out of boredom, but at least so.

I try not to think about what will happen when it comes out. I’m embarrassed that he won’t go to work right away.. It will be a long period when he will have to find a job, find strength in himself, get together. He has a friend, he served time in a colony-settlement, for a fight. He left after a year and a half and began to live as if nothing had happened, his life continued, the same as it was. But there — only a year and a half and a colony-settlement. And we have eight years. And the baby will be big.

Natalia, 39 years old

Chief Accountant. I waited a year, there was no trial yet. Article 228 — distribution of drugs on an especially large scale. The maximum term of imprisonment is up to 25 years. She is raising a disabled son with severe cerebral palsy and a 15-year-old daughter. Married for 13 years, no children in common.

We came from Thailand, through St. Petersburg, on our own. And he took a load along the way. Have us never such was, husband not attracted. There was prosperity in the family, he had his own repair company.

The husband has a daughter from his first marriage, he did not communicate with her for 13 years. And she needed money to pay for her studies. This is exactly the amount for which he agreed to transport. Two thousand dollars.

Arrested March 8th. The car was stopped and checked. Found in the trunk, under the wheel. He was beaten, as I later found out. They wanted him to confess that I helped him. Then we would go as a group of people. Four-something kilograms. There hasn’t been a trial yet, we’re still waiting. Up to 25 years old. He is in Tatarstan. I have every trip to him in 30 thousand manages. In addition, about eight thousand flies there every month, and that’s all without the services of a lawyer.

He doesn’t talk much about the zone.. My husband is not afraid of the term now, he is afraid of losing me. I will wait, I love it. I’ve had three husbands, and this is the third. In relation to me, prison will definitely not change him.

Ten, fifteen years — so what? I will look for ways out, as I always have. So what to do? There is no other option.

His friends turned out not to be friends. They tried to break me — they were looking for a place instead. All turned away. Completely the circle of communication has changed inside and out. I had a friend whom I didn’t let close to me. She is now the closest person to me, because she herself went through such a situation. I think these were not friends, but consumers who needed something from us. It’s not about the prison. I had a problem, and I stopped paying attention to their troubles.

The kids call him dad. He has one mother, in Kazakhstan, helps in any way she can. My mother also supports, she loves Oleg. None of our relatives turned their backs on us. Daughter loves him, very worried. Sometimes we sit down and cry together. We miss him greatly. And, as luck would have it, the wallpaper will fly off, then the refrigerator will break. In addition to domestic, I just do not have enough male warmth.

I am against drugs. I do not justify it, but anyone can stumble. If he hadn’t taken it, someone else would have.

Don’t feel sorry for the time. I will never meet a better person. And I don’t need anyone. It is enough for me that we will have long dates. We will still keep in touch and will try to get him out early, at least in ten years.

He knows me perfectly. I can take a little walk with my friends and that’s it, go home. Not a step to the left, not to the right — I don’t need it. He asks: «Did you find anyone?» What do I need, someone? For him, the main thing is not the time now, but that I stay with him. I have not been afraid for ten years. I will work and earn.

Alexandra, 28 years old

Pharmaceutical company employee. Waited 8 months, left 1 year and 2 months. The husband was previously convicted of murder, served 7 years. She is raising a six-year-old child from her first marriage. Article 158 — theft.

With the first husband, as they say, did not agree in character. And I didn’t love. All my friends got married, and I went. At 22, I gave birth to a son, I do not regret it.

After the first marriage, I realized that you need to rely only on yourself. I want to hope for Max, but he is far away, he cannot prove himself. Husband liked charisma, appearance. He knows how to keep up a conversation well-read for his lifestyle. The first husband could not connect two words. I liked this man because he is quite literate.

The first term is for murder. He had a criminal record for robbery and robbery. And some man, a former opera, promised to smear it. In a dark alley, Maxim met this man, drunk … Maxim himself came to the department, wrote a confession, showed where, what and how it happened. They gave me seven years.

I knew about it as soon as we met.. He does not hide that he was sitting. It scared me a little. Although no … I went with this man further in life, we began to live together.

Jailed for theft. As he says: «Yes, it just got boring.» I was with my parents, so he «performed», climbed to the neighbors through the balcony. The next day, he called and said that going home was not an option, as there was material evidence, stolen equipment. He only managed to take the TV to the pawnshop and went to his friends on Zatulinka. I went to him, we spent a month with friends «extinguished».

He understood that sooner or later he would be imprisoned, he was already on the wanted list. So we came home, spent the night together, and in the morning the operatives came. I cried.

Before this situation, I beat myself in the chest with my fist — if you sit down, I won’t wait for you. As soon as we began to live, she told him this. Well, why do I need it? I am a young girl, I have a small child. When everything happened … He was left alone in the city, his parents recently moved to the Krasnoyarsk Territory. Friends are not friends at all. Weeded out in a flurry. And I understand — who, if not me? The lifeguard turned on in me. We lived together for a year, how to leave him in trouble? I could not leave a person in this situation. If not as a girl, not as a wife, I will wait for him, then I will simply help him as a friend. Maybe I was brought up in such a way that you can’t leave people in such a situation, maybe I’m a fool, I don’t understand what I believe.

These letters, rare calls. When you hear your native voice, you forget about all your principles.

Parents were negative. Yes, the fact that he had already been convicted scared them away. They, even when we lived together, dissuaded me in every possible way, collected all sorts of nonsense. We live in my parents’ apartment and they are afraid that we will do something to her. We’ll sell it, drink it, whatever, but we won’t live in it. According to my parents, Max must definitely take away my housing.

I was afraid that they would judge me, look askance, maybe they would stop communicating with me altogether.. These patterns of society — it is unacceptable to wait for a prisoner. And that’s it. But in reality it turned out differently — the girls at work had a husband who was sitting, the other had a stepfather. There was no condemnation from friends, on the contrary, support.

Relatives — with them it is more difficult. Some still do not know where he is. The parents know. Again, as parents found out about this, they found documents that Max and I were signing in the pre-trial detention center. So I realized that he did not live with me.

One is very hard. At first, I had an apathy that the person who somehow supported me, guided me, criticized me so that I could move on, was gone. I don’t have much contact with my parents because of this situation. I was left without support. Girls, acquaintances — they know only the tip of the iceberg. And what is happening inside me, no one knows.

It’s only because of the child that I didn’t go into all serious trouble and I still control myself. I go to work, I have to provide for the child. He is soon going to first grade, I somehow need to deal with this issue. When a person is busy with something, time goes by easier.

Let us part when he comes out, but he will climb somewhere in the city. But the fact that he will go back there — I’m afraid. What to do then, honestly, I do not know.

I don’t feel protected physically. He is not around, he cannot protect me, guide me. And so I know that he is very worried about me.

He is emotional and real.. If he feels bad, he talks about it. If I feel bad, I can shut up, hide, laugh. And he always tells it like it is.

Catherine, 30 years

Doctor. I waited a year, there was no trial yet. The maximum sentence under this article is up to 10 years in prison. Article 158 — theft.

We met at a party, and somehow everything immediately started spinning, spinning. I can’t explain what attracted me. Initially, it was a look, I saw a man in it, and everything caught fire in me. Then he captured with his kindness, tenderness, serenity. He is the same as me. We do not bother about the problems of life, we live light.

I only know that he stole a car. He immediately shielded me from his affairs and did not initiate me. And I shouldn’t have known it, I knew it. I am a wife, I am a family — this is my house, I am the mistress of the house.

No, he still does not say why he did it.. Because it was customary for us not to let me in on this. Only at the very beginning of the relationship: “Kat, think about whether you need it or not. I came today, I didn’t come tomorrow. And I, of course, had to — love, euphoria.

And when it happened, we had lived together for four years. This is my family. How can I just betray a person, how can I turn away from him? For me, family is sacred. And they do not renounce prison.

I grew up in the yard, there were enough of everyone — who was sitting, who was not sitting. I have no idea that prisoners are the dregs of society. All people are equal. In prisons, the contingent is different. Now you can go to the store and find yourself in prison, right?

Again — he is my dear and close person, he is my family. Really, if, God forbid, this would happen to a close relative, mom or dad, I would say: “That’s it, come on, goodbye”?

We just went to court. This uncertainty is killing. I am ready for any time. Just to know how much. But they won’t give him more than ten, he has ten years under the article — this is the maximum.

When they took him away, there was a shock.. Although before that there was a premonition that something would happen. I saw him out of the house as if for the last time. And so it happened.

hard to get used to. A year has passed, and I still sometimes lie and wait for him. It seems to me that he will come in and start shouting some kind words to me from the threshold, as he always did when I came home. Although I already soberly assess that no, this will not happen. I’m almost used to this prison bondage.

I don’t see any negatives yet. He has a friendly family, no one turned away. Only the old and the young do not know, they think that he is on a business trip.

At work only two people know the closest. I don’t shout about it on every corner. Probably, if they had found out at work — yes, there would have been a condemnation, this is the traditional one: “Young, you need to give birth, you will leave your life.”

I understand that there is no resort. There is a colossal psychological burden, you have to be able to survive there. And he can change, I’m afraid of that, but I try not to think about it. He has become tougher.

I intend to wait. Of course, I can’t predict what will happen there. I set a goal for myself and here it is. But psychologically it’s hard for me. I want to be a girl, but I can’t. To go there, to fight with these evil aunts in the pre-trial detention center, who treat both prisoners and their relatives as people of the lowest grade.

To win back a piece of fish to him in the transfer. I brought him fish in the fall. It was salty, but only smoked is accepted. And I scored a bag, because my dear wanted. And they told me — we will not take it. And I will not forget this experience. That he won’t eat. How did it happen? He wanted a fish, but there won’t be one.

I think now that you need to appreciate every moment with your loved one, every second. When I look at other couples, I think: “You fools, why are you arguing? You are near, you are together. Appreciate … «Well, here it is. Eyelashes were made up all day, now I have to wash it off.

Yaroslava, 30 years old

civil servant. Waited three years, four years left. She has a son and a daughter from her first marriage. Article 111 — infliction of grievous bodily harm.

He is a good dad. And never had any problems with the law. Athlete, engaged in kickboxing. And now she is training there. Neither he nor I expected this to happen. He never touches people first, but it happened. He had a fight with a man who had powerful parents. The man threw himself at him. Throwing, throwing, throwing. In the end, I had to hit him. But how — he rushes, will the husband run away, ask: «Don’t beat me»? The blow was strong.

The man was in intensive care, concussion. I found out the next day. He himself told everything. I knew right away that I was going to sit down.

It was hard to realize that he would soon be gone. These feelings are internal — I can not convey them.

When I heard about seven years, I was shocked. Both me and his mother. The man got in for the first time, never had problems with the law.

Decided to wait because I love. I don’t need anyone else. Surrounding people know less, sleep better. Why do they need this information? No, no, he went on a business trip. And my family knows me well. What if I rested my horn — that’s it, go around, I’ll be on my own.

He hasn’t changed in these three years.. The person does not smoke, does not swear. For this I love him, a real man with willpower.

When I asked about the rules, he said: “Wife, you are on the other side of the fence. Live there, take care of the house. I’m here. All you need to know is what’s going on there, what’s going on here, you don’t have to know.»

Very jealous. I’m not a stupid person either. I love him very much and don’t want to give him another reason. I perfectly understand how bad it is for him, his gray hair has gone. 28 years old, and gray hair climbs. Why would I create a situation for him to sit there and be nervous? He asks where I went, with whom, why, what time. If I go somewhere, he calls me every half an hour.

I always put myself in the place of a person. And if I was closed somewhere, and he is here? I’m trying to get into his position. You could say I’m leaving with him. My daily routine is home and work. All. Nothing else.

What would I do here? Looking for another? I do not want, I just do not need another. Time is pitiful. I live as I would live with him. It’s just that he’s not around. For now.

It’s hard to leave dates. It’s hard here alone, with two children. My daughter is ten, from her first marriage, she calls him dad. Son is four. I tell the kids that it works. I will never say that he was sitting. Absolutely not. It’s none of their business. I will never take my children there either.

Olga, 49 years

Works in an IT company. I waited a year and a half, there was no verdict yet. Article 131 — rape. The maximum term under this article is up to six years in prison. Their children are already adults, there are no common children.

We met almost seven years ago. It all started as a business meeting. At my age, what can attract a man? Nothing surprises me anymore. Probably masculine facial features, strong-willed character. I have my own kids and so does he. I have very grown-ups, his are too small, so they didn’t intersect here.

We lived together for about a year. And then this misfortune happened. This is not a very good article — a crime against the sexual inviolability of a person. I think he was framed. Possibly business related. But there is no evidence, and I cannot speak of it in the affirmative.

For a long time there was no communication, except for letters. I have never written so many letters to anyone in my life. He needed support. I sat in a special block, the attitude was not very good because of the article. Now everything seems to have become clear, many, on the contrary, began to treat him with respect.

These articles, 130s — many are a tool of punishment for ex-wives, business colleagues. They allow you to eliminate a person, clear the field, take possession of his property. This happens very often, and often long periods are given.

He was accused by a girl, her mother still wanted to get a lot of money as moral compensation. According to the certificates that my lawyer and I have collected, she has questionable behavior. This is the desire to hang out constantly at youth parties, to be not quite sober.

I don’t know how they crossed. He didn’t tell me anything. We did not correspond with him on the case — all letters are checked. I will be able to find out the circumstances only at a personal meeting. She hasn’t been here yet due to the coronavirus.

Payphone calls are also monitored. And taking a cell phone from cellmates is too dangerous.. If caught with a phone, they will be sent to an isolation ward. And you can forget about rewards. And we would like to apply either for parole this summer, or to achieve easier conditions.

I don’t want to speculate about whether he’s guilty or not. I haven’t heard his explanation yet.. I can’t talk or think about it. I abstracted from this situation. A person can make a mistake, fall, do something wrong. I’m not getting on the rails of a strict judge here. I tried to talk to this girl, but she did not go to talk. Perhaps she has not yet built a version, has not yet thought out the story.

A difficult situation for a person. I can’t leave him or leave him. I wouldn’t be able to do that. If he admits that he did this, it will not change my attitude. It could happen, but it won’t change my attitude towards him.

My personal life is my personal life. I don’t talk much about my situation. I don’t think he will change there. He had been there for over forty years. And a pre-trial detention center is not yet a camp, there are quite interesting people there. I do not see any cardinal changes either by letters or by calls. He began to make fewer categorical conclusions about people, he has a broader perception of life.

If it was a situation where no communication is possible — no calls, no letters, then it would be hard. And since there is still communication, it is quite easily tolerated. Again, if it was a young girl, if she depended on her other half financially, if they had small children, it would be much more difficult to endure. In addition, he is a wealthy man and left an airbag.

Since I have no problems with money and no small children, the time of waiting and the absence of a person is not so critical. But it’s hard, you can’t call it easy. The first three or four months are especially difficult to perceive. Yes, and the person himself at first is very difficult.

We have nothing to do with prison. But in Russia, not having relatives who were not there is a miracle. I have relatives, now deceased, who served there for quite a long time. But her husband’s relatives never encountered this, for them it was a shock. Many friends who had never experienced this at first took it all as an adventure, they did not understand the seriousness of the situation. But I understood. I have dealt with this system before.

Many crimes cannot be imprisoned — economic, committed through negligence. There should be other penalties. For example, correctional centers. But there is no way to drive everyone into prison and twist through this meat grinder.

I am a religious person. Faith in this situation gives me patience and tolerance. My husband also attends the temple there, goes to the service. It’s good that there is an opportunity. Although he says that much is happening there as in Soviet times. The attitude towards the convict, his desire to attend church — all this is saturated with the smell of mothballs from the Soviet era.

Prepared by: Alena Istomina