I live with my husband, but I dream of others

“I knew my future husband from the time of the institute, I appreciated his devoted and reverent attitude towards me and, as it seemed to me, loved me,” Alina admits. – A child was born. And, although from the outside it seems that we have a wonderful family, I do not want physical intimacy with my husband. I imagine myself with other men, sometimes fleetingly familiar. I’m not cheating on him, but sex doesn’t give any pleasure either.

Quite often women live with feeling of inferiority of relations with the partner. They see him as a friend and do not want to destroy the family, but the physical attraction and interest is directed to another, often imaginary, man.

The phenomenon that psychologists call the “Knight and Scoundrel complex” is formed in childhood. If the relationship in the family is good and the girl has a father in her life, she experiences a huge range of feelings for him, in which there is also a sexual component. A father who allows his daughter to feel like a “Princess” turns into a symbolic noble “Knight”.

However, very soon, numerous social prohibitions are imposed on this connection for the child. It turns out that this is my mother’s husband, and the girl will not be able to marry him. She shouldn’t walk around naked with her dad.

Gradually, all unconscious sexual aspirations towards the father are forced out and the negative formation of the oedipal complex occurs, when men are divided into “good” and “bad”.

All the spiritual feelings that in childhood were allowed to be felt for the father, in adulthood are addressed to the “right” person who has become a husband. He, as a rule, is distinguished by reliability and is liked by all relatives and friends.

However, the woman does not experience sexual impulses to this “Knight”. They go to that imaginary hero, the “Scoundrel”, who has been repressed since childhood.

So often there is a rigid splitting of the image of men into accessible and forbidden. Everything is similar to what men with the “Madonna and Whore complex” experience when they marry exemplary mothers and keepers of the hearth, but they have sexual interest in other women.

The “Knight and Scoundrel complex” is still less typical for women than the “Madonna and Harlot complex” for men, says the Jungian analyst Lev Khegay. – This is due to the fact that the separation of a boy from his mother is a psychologically more difficult process. After all, the mother is always the first object of his attraction and identification.

The girl does not know her father as well as her mother. In addition, incomplete families are common, and in complete families, his participation in upbringing is often not so significant. Therefore, the object of attraction in women is formed partly from the maternal image, personifying tenderness and care, and partly from the collective image of men. And the collective turns out to be stronger than the personal traits of the father.

Between reason and instinct

Polls show that women prefer male movie characters, who are obviously distinguished by narcissism, individualism, and a willingness to take risks at any cost. It’s the classic bad boy allure that they’re not ready to commit to.

“Three millennia of patriarchy and economic dependence on men have influenced the two polarities of the male image,” says Lev Khegay. – Kind, caring and feminized men are attracted by the fact that they will not offend or leave, that is, they turn out to be more reliable and socially approved partners. Moreover, they are more likely to look for similarities with the positive aspects of their mother.

Brutal men are unreliable, but they seduce with the promise of good genes for offspring and stimulate sexual desire more strongly. Therefore, the split into “Knight and Scoundrel” is associated with a conflict between reason and instinct, which is both imposed by society and lives in the soul of every woman.

How to live with this?

Men are more willing to settle for two partners in their lives at the same time, each of which symbolizes the missing image. In contrast, women often feel more vulnerable and not ready for infidelity.

“My husband is a wonderful friend and father to our daughter, I feel guilty that I don’t want him as a man. Veronica admits. – I cheated on him several times with a colleague who has long attracted. It shook me, but I don’t love this person, I don’t want to destroy the family, and I feel even worse about lying to my husband.”

Many experts advise talking openly with a partner, trying to “complete” his real image with the features of someone who is seen in sexual fantasies, and transfer this to the sphere of intimate relationships. Sometimes a change in external image and behavior can become an unexpected impetus to ensure that the perception of a person becomes voluminous and those features that were previously denied to him appear.

However, the problem often requires a deeper study, primarily of oneself and one’s own internal motives. “More self-confident, whole women are better able to live in touch with their instincts,” says Lev Khegai. “They manage to figure out how to spice up their sex life. The experience of therapy helps to learn about their fantasies and desires, to explore those traumas and circumstances of childhood that influenced sexuality.

At the same time, mutual efforts of the couple are necessary for changes to take place in the relationship. Their dynamics will inevitably include a series of crises and even the risk of collapse. It also happens that important aspects of our personality cannot be adequately revealed either through therapy or because of changes in marriage – this requires a new relationship. And this is also important to realize and accept.