“I live only with those who support me, and I think it’s right”

I was born in a small town and for a long time I played according to the rules accepted in society: I graduated with honors from school, college, got married and gave birth to a child. It soon became obvious: the husband does not want to develop and achieve something, arguing that this is impossible, everything happens for bribes.

While he whined, drank and lay on the couch in the evenings, I worked, built a house and supported the child. Mom assured me that I should save the marriage, because no matter what, but he is “husband and father.” When he once raised his hand to me, she stopped listening to her and left.

It was difficult, my husband did not help. And then one man who liked me, who favorably differed from the former in that he did not blame circumstances, but confidently built his life and achieved a lot, offered his help. My son and I moved in with him, and I had the opportunity to live for pleasure. Take care of yourself, home and child.

We broke up, but I left this relationship with an understanding of what kind of men I want to see next to me. All those attitudes that my mother and society instilled in me from childhood just cracked at the seams.

I moved to the capital and communicate only with strong, purposeful and accomplished men. I finally felt like a woman, which means that my mission is to motivate and give them the joy of my presence in their lives.

Today we are called for equal, partnership relations, but this is deceit and delusion. Under such conditions, a man can relax, lie down on the sofa and still get care, attention and sex.

Men want women, that’s how nature created them. They used to kill mammoths for us, now they earn money. Thanks to their achievements, they conquer us. If a person offers you a happier, carefree life, when you are free from depressing thoughts of how to earn money for yourself and your child, then you are able to give him much more energy and attention.

Yes, men support me and give me the opportunity to feel lightness and freedom, which means the ability to inspire them for further results. This is the most honest, natural exchange, which in our society is now considered immoral.

“The attitudes of life during the mammoth hunt are dangerous because of the lack of prospects”

Tatyana Mizinova, psychoanalyst

The heroine, obviously, was right that, having overcome maternal attitudes, she did not save the marriage in which she was unhappy. However, she chose a rather dangerous path.

In fact, this is a formal exchange, where for material goods and life for pleasure, she will “inspire and motivate”, that is, feed the narcissistic part of her partner, often becoming his shadow.

She honestly admits that men support her and give her the opportunity to feel the lightness of being, freedom from everyday problems and worries about finances. However, in her confession there is not a word about love, understanding, acceptance or empathy. Even the most successful man needs not only admiration, but also a safe space where he can be weak, allow himself to regress and fall short of the ideal of masculinity.

The assertion that this form of relationship is the most harmonious, because men used to kill mammoths, and now they earn money, is not viable, because since then the human psyche has done a great job, and sociocultural aspects have changed.

The heroine communicates with different men, but a permanent partner has not appeared. As a rule, this turns into a carousel of idealization and devaluation, when a couple is fascinated by each other, takes the brightest and most interesting from the relationship, and is disappointed when faced with the inevitable realities of life.

If we consider this not as a stage of development, but as a life strategy, then we see more disadvantages, especially for women.

Age for a woman is a more significant category, and if there are no really close relationships, then with this approach, in a couple of years, a man will look for someone younger and with a lower level of claims. It is difficult for the heroine to plan her life for five or seven years ahead, when she can lose her ability to “inspire and delight.”

Relationships between people are always a bright palette, an agreement that exists in each particular couple. But, choosing one or another option for yourself, it would be right to think about the future.

“If only the other way around” is an infantile protest reaction to family attitudes”

Daria Petrovskaya, gestalt therapist

The values ​​that the mother initially instilled in the heroine are the so-called introjects, that is, learned, but not “recycled” rules. This is a code of conduct that must be followed.

At the same time, the reasons are not explained at all: why it is necessary in this way, what will happen if you act differently, the characteristics of the individual and her needs are not taken into account. We all know the generally accepted, cultural introjects: “girls need to give in”, “boys don’t cry”, “be obedient, and everything will turn out well.”

When it turns out that the introject does not work or becomes irrelevant, there is a dead end. There is a feeling of deceit, anger and even nausea on a physical level.

The heroine from one pole, where everything is bad, immediately gets to where, as at first it seems, everything is fine. And often, as a reaction of protest against the previous attitudes, a categorical attitude appears – “if only it were the other way around.” The conclusion is made: everything that was before needs to be crossed out, depreciated and started anew.

Thus, maturation and comprehension do not occur, but a new introject arises – “it’s right when a man brings a mammoth.”

That is, before it was “endure and save”, now “inspire and be easy”. The processing of such attitudes, for example, in therapy is a process of “digestion”. When you manage to take all the good things from your mother’s messages, and then build your personal value on this.

This is how I come to understand how my mother’s attitudes fit my current life. Perhaps she lived alone all her life, dreamed of having a husband, but gave everything to her daughter. And the meaning of her message is for the child to find his happiness. It’s just the wording is wrong.

In the story of the heroine, there is no comprehension of the past experience, and further movement is built only on the energy of denial. This is another screen in which she hides from reality and creates the illusion of security. “If I am light and inspiring, then a man will never offend me and will do everything for me.” A symbolic castle of the princess is being built.

It is possible that it will last a long time, but at any moment it can be blown away by the wind, leaving a person without any support.