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To fully live in the present, to plan for the future… For some of us, this becomes an almost impossible task. Why?
Flipping through albums with childhood photos, meeting classmates, remembering your first love – there are many ways to realize “who we were and who we are now.”
“We go back in time, longing for a time when we were better, cleaner and full of hope,” says family therapist Katerina Khmelnitskaya. “Here we feel more comfortable, safer, and almost always our past allows us to see ourselves in a new way. It, like a healing source, nourishes both the present and the future. And it is not so important whether the memories correspond to reality – whether the father was a cheerful and caring person, or played with me only when he was in a good mood – what matters is how they were imprinted in our memory. The past, perceived positively, helps to live actively and hopefully plan for the future.”
But sometimes a person seems to freeze, it is difficult for him to move away from what has long ended. Constantly looking back, he imperceptibly gives up some part of himself, stops at what he has achieved and does not move on.
Refusal of emotions
Parting with the past, saying goodbye to it is a mental work, a slow emotional process that goes through several stages. Denial: It is not easy to accept that the past cannot be returned. Irritation and even anger: we seem to make claims to what happened to us. Then there is anxiety, fear: “How to live on?” And finally, acceptance, which helps to realize that the place of the past is in the past.
“For some, it is not easy to go this way,” explains Kateryna Khmelnitskaya. – Therefore, they unconsciously try to stay where they felt good and calm, or, conversely, they cannot forget the time when it was too painful. They return to old experiences again and again, and their real life is distorted by the prism of the past.
It is especially difficult for those who do not manage to freely deal with their emotions, understand and express what they really feel. “As a result, a person gets stuck on a certain emotion, he is unable to overcome it, leave it in the past,” explains Kateryna Khmelnitskaya.
Renunciation of oblivion
A person turns out to be a prisoner of the past and when his long-standing relationship is not settled. It is also difficult to part with the past because at the same time we are aware of the finiteness of life and, as a result, the thought of death.
“If we lose someone close, then overcoming our emotions can mean forgetting a loved one,” says Kateryna Khmelnitskaya. “Involuntarily, our thoughts return to him, our relationship, as if this way we can change something.”
“I stopped regretting what is not there”
Maya, 39, realtor
“My marriage collapsed: my husband just left, taking his things. It took me years to say goodbye to this part of my life. I only thought about him, cried and dreamed of one thing: to meet him again, to explain that he had made a mistake … I turned to a psychotherapist to talk about a man, the thought of which drove me crazy. And suddenly I realized that I just didn’t want to “let him go” … As it happens, we ran into him quite by accident: he got old, got fat. I was very embarrassed: “I can’t talk to you, my wife is terribly jealous …” This meeting drew a line under my idealized past: I stopped delving into something that had not existed for a long time.
Refusal to break up
Behind the inability to live in the present, there may be an unwillingness to move away from childhood and look into the future. This is often faced by those who suffer from the real or symbolic absence of a father in their lives: it is the father, “wedging” in the relationship between mother and child, forcing the latter to break out of the relationship of merging with the mother in order to open up to the world.
It is the father who indirectly helps the child to fit into the present and navigate the future. If this is not the case, the child will remain symbolically “glued” to the mother and, as an adult, will live with the thought that “it was better before.”
What to do?
Learn to live in the present
To live for today means to physically feel that you belong to it. Sports, yoga, walking, the ability to relax and control your breathing – all this makes it possible to put your body in order and feel like living here and now.
To create
Creativity allows you to gain a foothold in the present time: it reflects our inner world and helps us understand that we are capable of creating something new.
Make a list of your fears
“If I knew where to fall, I would lay a straw.” However, it is impossible to predict everything. Make a list of your fears, not missing even the most ridiculous ones – this will help you look more boldly and realistically into the future, see it more rationally.
meet the past
Nostalgia is the result of a natural desire to idealize the past. Find opportunities to return to the places you constantly think about. Often a real meeting helps to get rid of the idyllic image imprinted in our memory.
Tips for others
To show an underlined interest or to cut off the conversation … The right decision, of course, lies between these extremes. Give the “hanging” interlocutor time to remember something important for him and so feel more confident. But be sure to set certain boundaries so that the memories do not completely absorb it and the conversation does not turn into a long monologue. A few minutes of talking about the past is often enough for a person to calm down. Move the conversation to another topic that directly concerns him too. In this way, you will help him return to today.