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They enjoy washing the bones of both relatives and strangers. At some point, the discussion of others becomes the main topic of their conversations. What makes these people gossip?
Spreading rumors, the gossiper believes that his opinion is justified and he is driven by good aspirations – first of all, to warn the interlocutor what to expect from this or that person. In reality, however, his motives are more ambiguous.
Start a conversation
“The rumor is transmitted to “ours”, which means about “strangers”. Strangers for the gossiper are those who are higher in social status, richer. By spreading gossip about them, he joins their authority,” says Doctor of Psychology Alexei Sitnikov. Gossip is a way to show the uniqueness of our relationship with the interlocutor: by sharing information with him, we emphasize that we give him special trust.
Speaking ill of others, the gossiper secretly praises himself. “And he compliments his confidant: “I’m telling you this because you are also not like them,” Alexei Sitnikov continues.
However, even if the gossiper manages to win the trust of the interlocutor, it will be fragile: dividing the world into “good” and “bad”, the gossip lover makes his counterpart worry if he himself will go over to the “bad” camp.
Lack of self respect
Why not make social connections by talking about your interests and achievements, rather than the shortcomings of others? “The gossip wants to stand out, but deep down he is afraid that as a person he is of no interest,” explains Alexei Sitnikov. He talks about neighbors and colleagues because he is sure that what he can tell about his life is boring.
express anger
“People who speak badly about others are most often dissatisfied with their lives or some part of it,” Alexey Sitnikov is sure. This dissatisfaction gives rise to anger in them, to admit which means to admit their weaknesses. Therefore, this anger is transferred to others – primarily to those who managed to achieve success where the gossiper himself failed to assert himself.
Justify your weaknesses
Often a person says about others: “she is greedy”, “he is self-centered”, pointing out the character traits of other people with which it is difficult for him to come to terms with himself. This is how one of the mechanisms of psychological defense manifests itself – projection: we attribute to others that part of ourselves that we unconsciously cannot accept in ourselves.
“I myself became the object of gossip”
Natalia, 43 years old, translator
“In the mid-80s, my husband was sent on a business trip to Iran for several years. There were strict security rules, and the cultural barrier did not allow you to make acquaintances with the locals. Therefore, the social circle for me was limited to the wives of my husband’s colleagues. It was a closed world, the inhabitants of which had little to do with each other. That is why the basis of all our conversations was gossip about each other. I accepted these rules and even enjoyed them until I myself became the object of gossip. This hurt me terribly, and only then did I realize how harmful and empty our chatter was. Realizing this, I actively engaged in self-education and, returning home, received a second higher education – so I was not only able to occupy myself with interesting work, but also felt that I had something to be proud of.
What to do?
Recognize your emotions
Gossip is often based on a strong emotion or an unfulfilled deep need. Try to figure out: what makes you want to gossip? What do you feel at this moment? Perhaps in this way you will understand that the essence of the problem is not in the object of your gossip, but in yourself.
Don’t talk without thinking
It’s always good to ask yourself, is it really necessary to disclose this information? Yes, it will allow for a moment to attract the attention of the interlocutor, but what’s next? Your words will sooner or later reach the person you are talking about, and this will not have the best effect on your reputation.
Find yourself something else to do
Often people gossip simply because they are bored, and the lives of others are an easy topic to talk about. Try to find other common interests with others that will allow you to lay a different, positive foundation for communication.
Tips for others
Revolving in an environment where gossip is accepted, you run the risk of becoming addicted to it yourself. To avoid this, use the technique of “active listening”: try to understand what emotions drive the interlocutor, and paraphrase his statements, clarifying the meaning of the words. For example: “You speak so emotionally because you are angry with him” or “This person has achieved a lot” … “The gossip does not exist by itself – he needs an interlocutor,” explains Alexei Sitnikov. “So the best way to avoid gossip is to ignore it. If you yourself have become the object of gossip, do not make excuses: by remaining “above the fight”, you will disarm the gossip.