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We all tell lies from time to time, and there is nothing terrible about that. Problems begin when a lie becomes a habit: a person becomes its hostage, separating himself from others with a wall.
Advertising, fiction, politics are just some of the areas in which there is an inevitable element of fiction. Without a share of pretense, omissions and exaggerations, neither creativity, nor play, nor dreams, nor business are possible. By completely abandoning self-deception, we risk losing our good mood, high self-esteem and optimism.
But is lying really that inevitable? “Everyone lies, it’s just that someone does it rarely, someone more often, and some do it almost all the time,” Daniil Khlomov, a gestalt therapist, is sure. The ability to clearly distinguish between truth and lies develops in a person only by the age of seven, and before that, the border between fiction and reality remains blurry and unsteady. For a child, fantasies are a natural stage in his development, but why should an adult lie?
Decency oblige
Guests are supposed to praise the treat, even if we didn’t like it. To the question “How are you?” it is customary to answer “Normal”, even if just at that moment we are exhausted under the weight of problems. “Such a lie only supports communication, it does not harm anyone – on the contrary, thanks to it, the coexistence of different people becomes comfortable. When you live in society, it is impossible to tell the truth all the time,” says French psychoanalyst Jean-David Nasio.
Lack of self respect
“At school, I told everyone that my mother was not my own. Once I pulled my leg while skiing, and lied to everyone that I had a deadly tumor, says 28-year-old Jeanne. “I think I’m lying to arouse interest.”
Someone lies to be pitied, someone – to shock others, someone uses lies for flirting and coquetry … At the heart of this behavior is a painful lack of self-respect. “The liar thinks he has nothing to appreciate. A lie for him is a shell in which he hides from the world,” explains J.-D. Nazio.
The liar deliberately distorts reality, masking his imaginary insignificance: he is convinced that the truth will alienate others from him. By creating an attractive “double” for himself, such a person, as a rule, tries to get from others what he is unable to give himself – interest, approval and love.
“I’m learning to live for myself.” Veronica, 40, secretary
When I was 14, I lied to my parents to sneak out of the house. Then they thought for a long time that I was studying at the institute, and I got a job. Then I got married… without telling them about it. They found out by chance when it was necessary to privatize the apartment.
At work, I also lied to my colleagues all the time: I composed fables about different countries where I supposedly rested – I was terribly envious. Because of all this, I was constantly in suspense, I was afraid that I would blurt out, that I would be exposed … I lived with the feeling that I was in a trap from which I could not get out. And then I decided to go to a psychotherapist. Now relapses, if they happen, are very rare. I am learning to live for myself, and not in eternal fear of what they will think of me.
Read more:
- Every time we ask a child the question “why?”, we teach him to lie.
Desire to manipulate
“I love fooling people,” admits 35-year-old George. – In the company I often talk about my adventures, which were not there. And listen with an open mouth, admire! Such a reaction of the public often becomes a real drug.
“With the help of lies, such a hoaxer asserts his own superiority over others, and this gives him acute pleasure,” says J.-D. Nazio. “Albeit only for a while, but he gains tremendous power over people – he makes them believe in what he wants.”
The origins of addiction to lies lie in childhood. Perhaps, once the current liar caught his parents in an obvious lie, or they themselves, voluntarily or unwittingly, made him an accomplice in their own deception …
The tendency to lie turns into a pathology when a person ceases to feel guilty. The mythomaniac ends up with the fact that sooner or later he himself begins to believe in his stories. Thinking that he is omnipotent, he ceases to realize that he lives in the shoes of a person who he really is not.
What to do ?
trust a friend
To break out of the vicious circle of lies, trust a person who will not judge or punish you, but simply listen. Gradually opening the soul, you will get rid of the oppressive shame and guilt and you can start all over again.
Listen to others
Concentrating on his own lies, vigilantly ensuring that he does not accidentally give himself away, the liar becomes isolated and stops communicating with others. Moreover, acutely aware of his own imperfection, he begins to ascribe unthinkable moral virtues to others. However, take a closer look: you will see that everyone has their own shortcomings. Perhaps this simple discovery will help you be more tolerant of yourself and come out of self-imposed isolation.
Accept yourself as you are
To stop lying, you need to work on yourself – this will allow you to accept yourself for who you really are. Let you not become the hero that you dreamed of in childhood, let your life be far from being entirely holidays and adventures, but you are you and no one else. Escape from reality will not solve your problems. On the contrary, lying only exacerbates suffering, taking away the chance that you will be loved for your true virtues.
Understand the reason
There are many reasons why people lie. Revealed parental lies, childhood loneliness and attempts to fill it with fantasies, the difficulties of adolescence … Together with a specialist, analyze your need for lies and find a suitable way to get rid of this problem.
Advice to an outsider
Is it worth it to expose a liar? Sometimes, by showing openly that you can’t be fooled, you can force him to drop his mask. However, it is equally important to let him know that you appreciate and accept him for who he is.
“If a loved one lies, as a rule, it still means that he wants to save the relationship,” says Daniil Khlomov. Be condescending, think about whether there is also your share of the fault: didn’t you yourself (unwittingly) put the interlocutor in a situation where lying seems to be the best way out?
Try to show greater tolerance and openness in dealing with him – perhaps then it will be easier for him to be liberated and finally become himself.