The hero of this article, Andrei Vishnyakov, is 48 years old, of which he has been undergoing personal therapy for more than ten years and has been working as a psychologist for the same amount of time. After being physically abused as a child, he is still afraid of becoming a bad father.
My mother divorced my father when I was only a year old. In addition to me, there was another child — a brother, three years older. The divorce made my mother gather up, turn on the mechanism “father left you, he is a goat, no one needs you but me.” By and large, along with my father, I also lost my mother — warm and accepting, forgiving and supporting.
In material terms, she was ready to break into a cake, but to make us «happy.» She had less than three jobs: a cleaner, a supply manager, a boiler room operator, a janitor …
Most often, there was an order from the mother to do something, clean up, wash the dishes, do homework, wash shoes. But it was neither a game nor a joint work with adults. Any mistake, forgotten business caused the mother’s anger and, as a result, screaming and bringing up with a belt.
All childhood is in fear that it will hurt, it hurts unbearably
Since how many years have we been flogged? Mom says that his father beat his brother when he was three years old. The brother himself came home from the kindergarten, for which he received a soldier’s belt. The mother proudly shows the mark of the buckle on her hand: it was she who stood up for her brother. After that, my brother hid somewhere in a pipe under the highway and did not want to get out.
You can imagine the horror he experienced. A father who has to protect his son, support his courage, initiative, suppresses all this. No wonder that in adolescence, the brother quarreled with his father and did not want to communicate with him until his death.
To my adult question, why she protected her brother from her father’s belt, and she flogged us herself, she replies that it’s too early to flog at three years old. Well, at the age of 5–6 it is already possible, because “there is already a head on the shoulders”.
Mother knocked out, in the literal sense, from me the feeling that the house is a place where it is good and safe.
Why hit with a belt? “How else were you raised?” Poorly washed the dishes or the floor at 4-5 years old — get it. You broke something — get it. Fight with your brother — get it. The teachers at the school complained — get it. The main thing is that you never know when and for what you will get.
Fear. Constant fear. All childhood is in fear that it will hurt, unbearably painful. Fear that you will get a buckle on the head. Fear that the mother will gouge out the eye. Fear that she won’t stop and kill you. I can’t even describe what I felt when I climbed under the bed from the belt, and my mother got out of there and “brought up”.
When my brother or I hid in the toilet or bathroom, mother tore off the latch, pulled it out and flogged it. There was not a single corner where one could hide.
«My home is my castle». Ha. I still don’t have a home of my own, except for my big car, converted for travel. Mother knocked out, in the literal sense, from me the feeling that the house is a place where it is good and safe.
All my life I was afraid to do something “wrong”. Turned into a perfectionist who has to do everything perfectly. How many interesting hobbies I gave up at the slightest obstacle! And how much hair I pulled out on myself and for how many days, months I hung in my thoughts that I was not capable of anything …
How did the belt «help» here? Well, apparently, according to my mother, he protected me from mistakes. Who would be wrong knowing that a belt hurts? Do you know what a child thinks at such a moment if he screwed up? And I know. “I’m a freak. Well, why did I upset my mother? Well, who asked me to do this? It’s all my own fault!»
It took years of therapy to open the heart again, to start loving
Tears well up in me when I remember how I threw myself at my mother’s feet and begged: “Mommy, just don’t hit me! Mommy, I’m sorry, I won’t do it again! Recently I asked her if she understands that it hurts: with a belt on her back, on her shoulders, on her butt, on her legs. Do you know what she says? “Where does it hurt? Don’t make it up!»
Do you know what was the main feeling when I became a little older? «I will grow up — I will take revenge!» I wanted one thing: to repay my mother for the pain, when physical strength appeared. Hit back.
Instinct. Protecting your life. But from whom? Who is the aggressor that hurts you? Native mother. With each of her «education» belt, I moved further and further away from her. Now she has become a complete stranger to me, only “native blood” and gratitude for having raised me.
Warmth has nowhere to come from — it lost me when it destroyed me. It destroyed my animal, male essence. It made it impossible for me to resist, to protect myself from pain. She brought a strange concept of love into my reality: «Love is when it hurts.»
And then I learned to close my heart. I learned to freeze and turn off all feelings. Even then, I learned to be in a relationship that destroys me, in which it hurts me. But the saddest thing is that I learned to turn off the body, sensations.
Then — a lot of sports injuries, torturing yourself in marathons, freezing on hikes, countless bruises and bruises. I just didn’t care about my body. The result is “killed” knees, back, traumatic hemorrhoids, an exhausted body, poor immunity. It took me years of therapy and boy groups to open my heart again, to start loving.
Other results for the future? Lack of trust in women. Aggressive reactions to any «violation» of my boundaries. Inability to build a calm accepting relationship. I got married at 21 with the feeling that this is my last chance.
I was afraid to be… a father. I did not want my children the same fate that I had
After all, the phrase during the spanking was: “The whole life of the mother was ruined! Don’t love your mother at all!» That is, I am an unloving person, a bastard and a goat, all in my father. My male self-esteem was zero, although I had a masculine, strong body.
«I’ll beat the hell out of you!» — this phrase knocked out the remnants of self-respect and self-worth. I only spoil everything, for which I get a belt. Therefore, I didn’t have a relationship, even at discos I was afraid to approach girls. I was generally afraid of women. The result is a destructive marriage that exhausted me to the core.
But the saddest part was that I was afraid to be… a father. I did not want my children the same fate that I had! I knew that I was aggressive and would start hitting the kids, but I didn’t want to hit them. I didn’t want to yell at them, and I knew I would. I am 48 years old, I have no children, and it is not a fact that there is health to “organize” them.
It’s scary when you know as a child that you have nowhere to go for protection. Mother is God Almighty. Wants — loves, wants — punishes. You remain alone. At all.
The main childhood dream is to go into the forest and die there, like elephants in the savannah.
The main childhood dream is to go into the forest and die there, like elephants in the savannah, so as not to disturb anyone with the cadaverous smell. “I interfere with everyone” is the main feeling that haunts me in my adult life. «I ruin everything!»
What is the worst thing when you are “brought up” with a belt? You are absent. You are transparent. You are a mechanism that does not work well. You are the poisoner of someone’s life. You are anxiety. You are not a person, you are nobody, and you can do anything with you. Do you know what it’s like for a child to be «transparent» to mother and father?
“Others were beaten, and nothing, people grew up.” Ask them. Ask their loved ones how it feels to be around them. You will learn a lot of interesting things.