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They live in anticipation of another failure or in fear that something terrible may happen to them at any moment. Why do some of us fail to resist such a negative attitude towards life?
The bad news causes Alina to panic. She is 36 years old, and she is very afraid of becoming a victim of an accident. Sergei is 25, and he has no doubt that he will not pass the interview, because he is a loser. And 28-year-old Ekaterina is convinced that she is “probably ill,” although the results of examinations confirm that everything is in order with her.
“Through anxiety, a sense of insecurity or a sense of inferiority (which arise without any reason), deep-seated fears appear, which are often associated with what we experienced in childhood,” says psychoanalytic psychotherapist Konstantin Yagnyuk.
Undoubtedly, it is difficult to live, knowing that there is a danger of getting sick, becoming a victim of an accident or losing a loved one. But if you constantly expect the worst, it is impossible to live freely and happily.
“I confused the bad with the inevitable”
Stanislav, 42, photographer
“I first felt that I was afraid when I became a father. It was almost an animal fear of death, but then it broke up into many fears, smaller and more surmountable. I installed bars on the windows and set up an alarm to keep burglars out. Stopped driving to avoid accidents. My wife laughed at me. And I was annoyed by her carelessness. I asked my mother. She talked about her wartime childhood, her constant fear of bombings, and I realized that I “inherited” her anxieties without actually being in danger. I realized that I was confusing expectation of the worst with the inevitable: life can throw up unpleasant surprises, and sometimes bear real trials, but this does not mean that they lie in wait for me at every turn. Today I can talk about it. But I will always worry about my children.”
Fear of reality
Anxious people try to protect themselves from real or imaginary troubles: they refuse close relationships so as not to suffer in the event of a breakup, they do nothing in order to avoid failure.
“Such behavior indicates a deep fear of life,” comments Konstantin Yagnyuk. – A person is afraid to take actions, to move towards goals. He shields himself from too intense experiences or efforts, but this gives only a temporary sense of security, and then creates guilt for the fact that he lives at half strength. Such people buy freedom from fear at the price of partial self-destruction.
No guilty guilty
Accidents, illnesses, crimes – everything that the mass media talk about, they try on themselves. Expecting the worst means they can’t deserve the best. This reaction indicates an unconscious sense of guilt.
“It is experienced not by an adult, but by a child living in each of us,” says French psychoanalyst Moussa Nabati. – If he was once offended, caused moral or physical trauma, if he witnessed the experiences of his parents (loss of work, quarrels, alcoholism), he feels responsible for them. He grows up with the idea that happiness must always be paid for with pain and suffering.
This experience distorts and darkens the perception of life, predicting new troubles. Therefore, media reports only confirm his fears: “What happened to others today will happen to me tomorrow.” And before a person allows himself to be happy again, he will have to penetrate deep into the past in order to heal his spiritual wound.
What to do?
Examine your fears
To free yourself from the constant expectation of trouble, you need to realize what you are really afraid of. It is likely that a deeper fear or painful childhood memories are hiding behind your anxieties. The most important thing is to clearly see the cause of fears: this will help to change the attitude towards them.
Come up with a different ending
Excessive fear of a non-existent danger is due to a special vision of reality: you can identify yourself with people who really suffered. Write down your experiences and analyze what exactly causes anxiety in you. And then come up with a good ending to a scary story. Then be sure to say that it will help only you, and not the victims with whom you have identified yourself.
Tips for those around
Don’t try to convince a person who is constantly expecting trouble that he is safe. Yes, sudden death can overtake him, an accident can happen to his children, falling in love, he risks getting a mental wound. But emphasize that even if all this is true, nothing threatens him at the moment. To live means to be exposed to the inevitable risk of death and loss. And the only way to enjoy life is to take this risk, which is the tragedy of our existence. Do not reassure and do not feel sorry for such a person. On the contrary, try to make him laugh. Humor, like nothing else, is able to show fear its true place.