«I hide in TV shows»

R. N .: Can you say that your parents support your brother more than you?

Anna: No I do not think so. But next to him, his father somehow stews. And my brother behaves towards me more like a father, and not like an older brother. I am afraid of his assessments, his condemnation. And my mother always told me that I should beware of men, that I should be independent, provide for myself, that it was impossible to be “in the service” only of my husband. She herself is a housewife, she always felt like a servant of her father and could hardly bear it.

R. N .: You have developed a negative perception of the relationship between a man and a woman because of your mother’s family experience and because of your own relationship with your brother. To what extent does this affect your relationship with Mark?

Anna: We constantly clash on this topic. Regardless of my desire, I turned out to be a housewife, and he uses this — he believes that I should do everything around the house.

R. N .: You have friends?

Anna: No … I want to, but I don’t dare to be friends with someone, I’m afraid to compare myself with others and hear their question: “Well, what do you do?”

R. N .: Anna, if not for the circumstances, what would you like to do in life? Is there anything that fascinates you?

Anna: Bunch of everything. I would like to participate in a group of feminist artists who express themselves through embroidery. This is such a way to recall the old female occupation, typical of housewives, and apply it in a revolutionary way. Or I would like to join Greenpeace, I like their targeted promotions…

R. N .: Have you said that you are afraid to compare yourself to other people? Are you ashamed?

Anna: Yes, a little… (Crying.)

R. N .: Well, it’s not surprising. You lack recognition — you have not realized yourself in the professional field, your parents do not understand you …

Anna: When I tell them about my plans, they always ask what Mark thinks about it. And if I leave him, they will tell me that I am wrong, that he was very good, that I will not find better …

R. N .: Your parents and brother believe that a woman exists only as an attachment to a man. Where did they get this idea from?

Anna: My grandmother, my mother’s mother, thought so. She suffered greatly from her dependence on her father, and then on her grandfather, and tried to change this situation. In her youth, she went to work, but she did not succeed.

R. N .: That is, you were subject to the «double bond». They tell you: “Men are worthless, beware of them, be self-sufficient”, and at the same time: “You exist only if you have a man.” It’s embarrassing, isn’t it?

Anna: Yes, it’s contradictory.

R. N .: I’m trying to understand why you feel cornered. But what is left to do when you want to obey two opposite instructions at once? As a result, you do not move in one direction or the other.

Anna: Exactly. I don’t go anywhere else, I sit at home, and at the same time I’m suffocating at home (crying). Therefore, I hide in these series — the only way I experience emotions, I feel that I live a full life.

R. N .: What are you watching?

Anna: «Dexter». This is a story about a boy who, as a child, witnessed the brutal murder of his mother and grew up to be a psychopath. He was adopted by a crime cop and taught that the only way to resist his murderous tendencies is to follow a code of rules. Or Desperate Housewives. Or The Secret Diary of a Call Girl, based on a true story, about a student who began to provide escort services to pay for her studies. She is shown as a free woman who fully accepts herself for who she is.

R. N .: So, with the help of TV shows, you can experience your bloodthirsty inclinations and domination of men? (Laughs) Not bad!

Anna: Sometimes it helps me to get rid of internal tension, helps me cry.

R. N .: I think you have accumulated enough anger towards your mother, towards your father, who did not protect you too much, towards your brother, who always put pressure on you … He never showed cruelty?

Anna: No, but he treated me very strictly, just like an inquisitor.

R. N .: Especially when you became a girl?

Anna: (After a pause.) I think so. He reproached me that I dress eccentrically, that I want too much in the professional field … Our parents are workers, my brother, like them, believes that I should not go beyond our social circle.

R. N .: And you broke the rules … And now that you have failed, it is especially hard — it turns out that they were right.

Anna: That’s it. I put everything at stake, I endured so much to succeed … And as a result — nothing … (crying).

R. N .: I see your situation as an attack on dignity. The dignity of a woman, professional dignity… And besides, this double family message — it is not surprising that you find yourself in such a difficult situation. Now we need to think about how to get out of it. I see two ways. One of them is: you could go to school. Just like that, without thinking about the profession, your task now is not to earn money, but to gain dignity. Listening to you, I came to the conclusion that studying will help you to cope with this task. In addition, it seems to me that it would be nice to undergo a course of psychotherapy, but this is not enough. I see a small relationship problem in a couple, but it is easily resolved if you and your friend meet with a psychologist.