«I haven’t had sex in ten years»

Haven’t had sex in almost ten years. How did it happen? You never thought it would come to this. But now, as soon as the relationship goes beyond coffee and conversation, you try to stop communication. Why? After all, it would seem that desire should prevail.

In fact, not everything is so simple. Fear, self-doubt interfere with relaxation. You start thinking, “There is something wrong with me. If I tell the truth, I will look ridiculous. And can anyone please me? Arouse desire, passion? It’s easier to run and hide. But what is the reason for this behaviour?

«Be kind to your body: you have the right to joy and enjoyment»

Pamela Connolly, sexologist

“If you are at least ready for sexual contact, that’s already good. However, in any case, you will have to take a risk, because, most likely, the first experience after such a long break will bring a lot of experiences, no matter how experienced the partner is.

Of course, you should be prepared in advance for surprise, rejection, ridicule — this is a very important part of working on a problem. As soon as you encounter something like this, inhale, exhale, and… keep going!

Try to focus on growing the number of your friendly contacts with men. Communicate, and sooner or later you will meet someone with whom you allow yourself to go further. You will be surprised how easy it is to get out of your comfort zone and give in to your desires.

And make a promise to yourself that you will be kinder to your body: you have the right to joy and pleasure.

Try not to worry about potential partners or their judgment of your abstinence. By the way, they do not need to know about it at all. And if you do decide to talk about it, then many men will simply decide that you have high standards.

“In our time, the absence of a sexual life is a personal choice”

Galina Dmitrieva, psychologist-sexologist

A long break in sexual activity can certainly be harmful to the human body: both psychologically and physically.

In the first case, you do not get discharge (masturbation is, of course, good, but it will not save you from sexual dissatisfaction), and in the second case, problems with the reproductive system may arise due to the outflow of blood from the genitals.

In fact, it’s like abandoning the gym or morning jogging. Yes, it’s not very good for health, but no one will blame you for it, because they have no right to it. In our time, the lack of a sexual life is a personal choice, and not a synonym for lack of demand from the opposite sex.

If you have not met for all this time a suitable man with whom you would like to have sex, then this is only your business. Don’t let other people dictate who you go to bed with, much less laugh at your decision.

If you still decide to share information about your sex break with a man, you should not give a specific date when you stopped having sex. Believe me, the number of years without sex for our body is not very significant. You would be equally scared and embarrassed, both after a 3-year break, and after 10.

Now the main thing is to step over this barrier and relax. This can be done in two ways:

1. Psychotherapy. That is, to understand yourself, to understand what exactly scares you in this situation and what specifically worries you. In this case, it is better to contact a specialist: a consultation with a sexologist will help overcome the barrier to intimacy.

2. Search for inspiration. Remember how good the sex was, how you liked it, tune in to the sexual wave. You can watch erotic films, listen to sensual music.

«Rehearsing» or practicing the sexual situation is also very helpful. Go to some sex seminar or even work out a couple of techniques in sex training.

Discussion of sexual issues, jokes will help you tune in the appropriate way. Thanks to this, there will be a feeling that there was no break at all, and sex after a long time-out will no longer be scary.