Arina (client):
“I have again resumed relations with my former MCH, with whom we broke up 4 months ago. I feel good with him mentally, psychologically, and physically, which is not often the case with others. He is busy and enthusiastic and continues to actively develop in these areas. Complains that only his relationship does not add up. We broke up with him, because it seemed to me that we spend little time with him, because. first he decides all his many affairs, and postpones the relationship for the remaining time. When he said that we would not see each other for almost a month (because he had trips, etc.), I decided that I did not need such a relationship and disappeared. He also showed no activity. After 4 months, he called, we had a great talk, then offered to see each other 3 times, I realized that I wanted to see each other again. When we saw each other, I realized that I was bored, complacency decreased in him, he became more attentive. They began to meet again about once a week, in between cases. Relationships are romantic. We talked and told our attitude towards each other, agreed that we were fine, but he shared that he could not decide on his attitude towards me. What to do with such a situation? )) Also, I realized that for some reason he is dear to me, I see decent qualities in him, so I don’t want to give him up completely. On the other hand, uncertain relationships cause tension because I feel like I’m wasting my time.»
Emilia Goncharova:
“… But he shared that he could not decide on his attitude towards me. What to do with such a situation?
Arina, what would you do if the Lord God told you that a man did not have the necessary closure (hormonal explosion) in relation to you. And that he, attention!, considers this explosion very important for creating a relationship (with obligations) with a woman. And since there was no explosion, he does not know how he treats a woman. That is, he is not ready to promise or offer anything specific to her.
What would you do?
If you want to know how he treats you, then the answer is the following: He likes you, he is pleased with you, but he does not lose his head with you. And he dreams — to experience his hormonal explosion with someone! Therefore: he meets with you, but said that he wasn’t brought up to the required degree … and he couldn’t decide …
Most likely, Arina, he is well defined and understands perfectly well that you are not his woman, so that he would give you some promises. But he can communicate with you without promises.
And why not talk to him if the girl does not mind? Moreover, he even carefully spoke about the frivolity of his intentions.
Next to this man, a woman will always be on a powder keg. He also warned that he had not decided, which means that he still has the right to remain in the passive search mode — to wait for his sunstroke …
This “hit” with him may never come (due to the lack of the right amount of hormones in the slowly aging body of a man, because of the tendency to criticize, because of the inability to admire and a host of other factors that do not allow his blood chemistry to cheer up to the desired degree), and maybe come …
What would I do with such a message to me? If a man seemed to me a very valuable and amazing person, and not at all from the point of view of my knees trembling and billowing butterflies in my stomach (this biochemistry is a poor helper), but from the point of view of a rational assessment of his human potential: that is, if this man could would be on a par with or close to Bunin, Einstein or other outstanding people, if I determined that his presence in my life would have a huge impact on my life and on my personality, then I would remain in the orbit of this man and try to be as useful to him. Yes, it is quite possible that I have not grown up to his level, but, for now, he chose me. And that might be enough for me, even if it only lasted for a while. Sometimes five minutes with an extraordinary person will give much more than years with an ordinary one.
But for you personally, Arina, is it enough to be chosen for some indefinite period by a genius, or do you have more mundane goals and “small gifts” from geniuses do not attract you much?
Lydia Tsirgvava was left a widow at the age of 33. When she married Vertinsky at a very young age, who was 34 years older than her, such a result was clear that their relationship had some not the longest interval. But the girl was ready for it. By the way, she didn’t get married a second time, she said that she never met a man of this magnitude. She chose a man, deliberately chose 15 years of happiness. Yes, family, but short. For her, being with an extraordinary person for some time was the most valuable thing.
Therefore, Arina, you need to understand that such a statement of a man that you heard limits a woman to confidently fantasize about a long-term relationship with him. But sometimes a woman chooses a short relationship with some Man rather than a long one with others.
Ask yourself a question — would you stay with him if the Lord God told you that the period of your relationship would not be long, and in general, he could leave you at any, the most inopportune moment?
In fact, many women stay with men in the hope that he will change his attitude towards her, and he will still appreciate her and fall head over heels in love. Alas… This is unlikely in your situation and in others like it, where a man says that he needs time to understand… He has already realized that he is calm, there is no passion.
Therefore, I would once again analyze: how much is he, after all, the person to whom I am ready to sacrifice some of my life plans? And how much I am ready to accept the prospects of relations with him without illusions and fantasies about his future behavior (“he will love me for my devotion and kind soul ..”). If he is so valuable that you are ready to be just around, never becoming his only one for him — then go ahead!
Most often, women are not ready. But they are already attached and can not get rid of. And they think — what to do …? After all, I feel good with him, and he does not drive me … And why should he drive? Many men are happy to use women without any promises, especially obligations.
Therefore, it is important for girls not to hang out in relationships where they are assigned the wrong role that they would like. They will not notice how tightly they will become attached and remain, not because they have taken the position of a man, but because they are no longer able to decide their own fate. Now their fate is dictated by painful affection. Getting attached to a man who appreciates a girl only as a temporary option is not a safe entertainment trick. Women’s attachments do not add strength to the union. The maximum strength of the union between a man and a woman is determined by the fact that at the first stage of the relationship, the feelings of a man are much stronger than women’s, much stronger! Because in the process of communication, development of relationships, male affection does not grow, it remains at the same level, but female affection becomes more and more every year. Therefore, women need to develop relationships only with the man who, at the first stage, makes a solid contribution to the emotional bank of their couple. Further, the woman will mainly invest in this bank. We have such a nature … But if a man at first seriously jumped over his head, crushed on his ears and accurately outlined that he sees only her next to him !!! Then he himself will objectively understand why this woman began to invest in him tirelessly — after all, he prayed for her so much))), and she is a very grateful person! And if you did not jump above your head? And the woman becomes more and more attached to him every year and is already climbing out of her skin to evoke similar feelings in him? And what will be the result? Null! A man erotically loves (throughout his life) a woman not for how she serves and serves him, but for how he served her before losing her pulse, seeking her attention and favor, at the stage of her conquest! And this memory supports his feelings in moments of crises in their couple.
For many men, this erotic part of love is a very, very important component of all his love for a woman.
By the way, erotic love is not just sexual attraction. Men can experience sexual attraction to a huge number of women. But to choose someone as your only one — this is real for most men only if he actively lost his head))) and even found time for a relationship.