PSYchology

Jeanne, 28, enjoys sex with women and enjoys spending time with men. Jeanne came to psychotherapist Robert Neuburger, hoping that he would help her understand herself better.

Robert Neuburger: Have you only had homosexual relationships?

Jeanne: No, absolutely not. On the contrary, I had relationships mainly with men, but I was looking for meetings with women. With one woman, the story went on for several months. But I still could not understand if it was mine, do I really like women? Maybe I need relationships with men only in order to “forget” this attraction? Or the interest in women is temporary and will pass with time … I can’t see myself in the future.

R. N .: Let’s talk a little about your past. Tell about your family.

Jeanne: I have two parents, four brothers and sisters. We meet regularly.

R. N .: Does your family know about your problem?

Jeanne: No, I don’t think so. But that wouldn’t surprise them, but I don’t know if they would take my interest in other women well.

R. N .: Are you the eldest in the family? The parents were expecting a boy…

Jeanne (with annoyance): I don’t think that my family history has anything to do with my intimate life … I believe that the reason for my insecurity can be somehow related to the fear of relationships in a couple. It seems to me that my own family will shackle me. I am afraid to be alone only with my children and my husband. I need travel, space, meetings….

When I compare myself to my family, I realize that I need more openness.

R. N .: Were you a tomboy as a child? Were you more like a boy?

Jeanne: No, what are you… I was a very shy girl. I was uncomfortable in large companies, and I preferred to spend time with some girlfriend. Now I ask myself if these friendships were more like love.

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R. N .: You talked about how you don’t want to focus only on women. But you are also afraid of relationships in a pair with a man, and you do not want to lock yourself in a couple or family. You should not confuse your sexual desires, which is one side of the issue, with your desires for belonging, on the other. You don’t like a closed couple, family or group.

Jeanne: But I don’t want to live alone either. But I had a serious relationship only once six years ago, and after that — one-night stands, which I also don’t like.

R. N .: You have friends?

Jeanne: Yes. But I’m not sure that they would understand me if I said about my throwing in my sex life.

R. N .: What is your relationship with your brothers and sisters?

Jeanne: Normal

R. N .: What were they like as children?

Jeanne: I’m the older sister … I loved to retire, and they played together. But now I have become close to one brother.

R. N .: Is he aware of your hesitation?

Jeanne: No. In the family, we do not talk about intimate life.

R. N .: Who are you talking about this with?

Jeanne: Rather with friends.

R. N .: Your desire and at the same time fear of life in a couple seems natural to me. Many women and men, having lived with a partner for some time, begin to fear what you are talking about: they are afraid to withdraw into a relationship with a partner, they are afraid of being cut off from the world …

Jeanne: But I lived in a couple from 20 to 23 years. Maybe it was too early? But at that time I wanted to get married, have children…

R. N .: What happened?

Jeanne: Tough breakup. In the beginning there were strong emotions, then the passion subsided, I felt that there was no more love on his part. We just lived in the same area. And then I put an end to it. Around that time, I thought: should I look towards women?

R. N .: And what did you come up with?

Jeanne: I still don’t know!

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R. N .: In any case, your orientation should be interpreted as bisexual. When a person is attracted to one gender or the other, this does not mean that he should be on one side. It’s not «either there or there». Your fear of being «closed» in any relationship, whatever it may be, is obvious to me. Yes, you had a first love experience, not too successful, but there will be something else. Did you say that as a child you loved solitude?

Jeanne: Yes it is. But my sisters and brothers also have difficulties in dealing with people. It looks like it’s family.

R. N .: What about your parents? How do they communicate?

Jeanne: Father lives in his own world, and mother … (After a pause.) She is a very secretive person. Our parents’ only friends are our extended family.

R. N .: Is it possible to say that your family has too close ties with each other and at the same time there is not enough open communication between its members?

Jeanne: Yes, we do not conduct too frank conversations.

R. N .: From an early age, did you feel that you shouldn’t ask too many questions?

Jeanne (After a long pause): Yes

R. N .: You know, a person does not become closed just like that. This style of communication develops in children in those families where there is some kind of secret, where it is not customary to ask questions. Did your family have any special problems? Or in your grandparents’ family?

Jeanne: My aunt committed suicide. But that was a long time ago, I don’t think that my character is somehow connected with that story. But it was always difficult for me to connect with my father. We are almost like two strangers. There is no strong emotional connection between us.

R. N .: You have a close-knit family and quite closed, which does not let strangers into your circle too much. But inside it, each family member has his own isolated world. This is true?

Jeanne: Yes. Before adolescence, it was difficult for me to open up to my brothers and sisters, to my parents. Now, I think this is much easier. But my problem is not related to the history of the family, but to the sphere of romantic relationships.

R. N .: How did your romantic and sexual life begin?

Jeanne: Quite chaotically, I led a wild life. It seemed to me that my family was so closed: to say nothing, permanent borders … I wanted to blow it all up. I did a lot of stupid things, a series of parties, meetings. I think I wanted to annoy them. I calmed down only when I fell in love And then at one moment I seemed to become too correct …

R. N .: It seems to me that now you are vacillating between the model of a too traditional couple and much more open models of relationships?

Jeanne: Maybe yes… Do you think psychotherapy would be good for me?

R. N .: I’m sure of it. I think it would be important for you to hear yourself through someone else. This is the meaning of psychotherapy: to hear yourself through someone, and so that this person listens and at the same time is delicate.


For privacy reasons, we have changed names and some personal details. The recording of the conversation is published with abbreviations and with the consent of Jeanne.

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