“This quality is just as necessary for a boy as it is for a girl,” explains child psychologist Marina Kravtsova*. “Boys should be taught to be gentle, not to suppress this need in them.”
“If an 8-9-year-old boy constantly sticks to his mother or grandmother, loves to hug and kiss, if he is very vulnerable and often cries, this causes anxiety and bewilderment of parents. After all, the future man “should” grow up patient and restrained, able to stand up for himself. Parents, in accordance with this stereotype, forbid their sons to show weakness, openly express their feelings. But the tougher the adults behave, the more insecure and anxious the boy feels, and the less “masculine” his behavior becomes. Do not deprive children of your tenderness and affection. Sit with your “adult” son hugging, hold his hand during an unpleasant medical procedure. Stroking the child, hugging him to us, we seem to say: “I love you and am ready (a) to support and protect you.”
Many children find it easiest to “express” their feelings through tears. Never shame your son for this, do not reproach: “Boys do not cry.” But, when he calms down, explain why in some situations it is better not to advertise your emotions. For example, say: “When we cry, we become vulnerable, it is difficult for us to stand up for ourselves and loved ones, so try to restrain your feelings in front of strangers.” Sometimes even a completely independent child suddenly becomes whiny, strives for bodily contact with adults (asks to kneel, refuses to sleep alone). Often such behavior is a reaction to some traumatic event (the illness of someone close, the appearance of another child in the family, a quarrel or divorce of parents …). But do not confuse the need for emotional support with being spoiled, when the boy gets used to ridding himself of difficulties with tears and whining: it’s hard to carry a briefcase, he’s tired of doing things, he doesn’t want to put things away. In this case, it is useful for adults to show firmness and not do things for the child. Often parents are afraid that the boy’s effeminacy can lead to non-traditional sexual orientation. In fact, before puberty (13-15 years) it is too early to worry about this. And besides, homosexuality (even if the child has a genetic predisposition to it) has nothing to do with vulnerability and hypersensitivity – these are features of character and temperament. Despising the “weaknesses” of the son, we only provoke the appearance of a neurosis in him, and do not raise a “man” at all.
* Author of the book “Children-outcasts. Psychological work with the problem ” (Genesis, 2004).