The birth of a son makes the father think about how to build a relationship with him so that he does not have to regret anything. Psychologist Ilya Latypov talks about his desires and fears.
I became a dad for the third time. I already have two daughters, but when a child of the same sex as you is born, the feeling is completely different. On the one hand, I look at this baby, sleeping sweetly in the crib, and I think about myself, my childhood, what I dreamed about, what I encountered, what I worried about. I identify myself with him, I see myself to some extent. On the other hand, I imagine how he will grow, how I will build relationships with him. After all, my son is still not me, and I want in the future, when he becomes a little more conscious, to give him what he himself lacked in communication with his father.
And if girls, even growing up, are so easy to hug and kiss, to express their tenderness and love to them, then it is more difficult to treat a boy with these same feelings — you come across an internal barrier that we men have. Like, why these veal tenderness with a boy after six years. You can gently pat on the back of the head, and that’s it …
Many men confessed to me how they missed warm emotional contact with their father in the past, how they wanted to hear: “Son, I’m proud of you”, to see how dad sincerely worries about their successes and failures, not hiding feelings behind a passionless mask. And how I wanted him, the father, to be there even in moments of failure and shame. Otherwise, how will you learn to support yourself in difficult times? But this is possible only if the father has the strength not to be ashamed of himself and his son, or, even in the presence of shame, not to pretend, they say, «I have nothing to do with it.»
It is very sad when the appearance of a small person in the family leads to the loss of childhood in others — a little older, but still children.
I also think about how dramatically my perception of older daughters has changed. They are 12 and 9 years old, and they, against the background of their younger brother, suddenly seem very, very large. Adults, responsible, «thinking». And this is a psychological trap.
Often, with the birth of younger brothers and sisters, elders are made demands as adults, entrusted with the care of babies. I even heard such a phrase addressed by a mother to her eight-year-old daughter: «You asked for a little sister — now help me.» As if we are talking about a dog or a cat … But the decision to give birth is made by adults!
It is sad when the appearance of a small person in the family leads to the loss of childhood in others — slightly older, but still children … Then the newborn is perceived by them as the one with whom such a dramatically changed attitude of the parents is associated.
I don’t want to fall into this trap. I hope that taking care of a younger brother will not be a burden for girls, but a joyful event. Not out of duty, but out of love — either for a mother who is difficult, or for a baby. Let the responsibility for the decision to give birth and upbringing of a child fall on the parents, and the older children will be left with the joy of communication. And so, despite the fact that the daughters seem so big, I just remind myself: they still have their own childhood …