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Many of us have had or have to work under a leader with a difficult character. But you don’t have to put up with it! It is in our power to influence his behavior.
Manager, head of department, director of the enterprise … With “kookies”, mood swings, bad manners and a habit of humiliating subordinates … Such leaders are not too rare, and we, who are forced to work under their supervision, experience extreme stress. But you can learn to deal with them!
Failed Strategies
A familiar picture: the boss brings us to white heat, we (to ourselves) are indignant or complain, but … endure. Why? Because we are afraid of losing a job, because it is very difficult to find a new one; because we have a difficult marital status (debts, mortgages…) and we need this salary; because we like the work itself; because we do not feel enough confidence in ourselves to start life from scratch; because we consider ourselves an insignificant person and are afraid of the boss – there can be many explanations. What does the “ostrich” strategy lead to?
A boss who is difficult to deal with dampens our enthusiasm, as a result, self-esteem and motivation suffer. “In the long run, the strategy of “endure and not arise” will not work, says psychologist-coach Nadezhda Dyakonova. – We are in constant stress and although we can convince ourselves as much as we like that everything is not so terrible, but only “not very good”, but how much our body, clamped and suffering, will believe in it is a big question. Internal conflict does not go away in vain. Most often, this “hatching” destroys us.
Just as a problem child is a symptom of a dysfunctional family system, so a toxic boss is a symptom of a dysfunctional company.
The strategy of the “fighter” is equally ineffective, business coach Yulia Burlakova is sure: “It’s not worth organizing a riot with uncalculated consequences or saving the whole team from such a boss – each of us has limited resources, and it makes sense to use them prudently.”
Another common behavior of employees is to fawn, try to please, flatter the boss, hoping to win his favor. “Someone looks at such behavior as a game, for him it is an organic way to integrate into life,” Nadezhda Dyakonova reflects. – And someone does this automatically, because they look at any figure of power from the bottom up. But if a person who flatters and pleases is ashamed of himself and suffers because of his insincerity, then this option will be destructive for him.
Many will shrug their hands: what else can you do? “First of all, we must admit: you do not deserve such treatment, this is not the norm! – calls Yulia Burlakova. – If the leader is unbearable and it is impossible to agree with him, look for another job, there is no need to waste your life on such experiences. If the situation is not so critical, you can try to change it. Just as a problem child is a symptom of a dysfunctional family system, a toxic boss is a symptom of a dysfunctional company. You can either be part of the solution to the problem or part of the fixation of the symptom. The choice is yours”.
If you choose to be part of the solution to a problem, you have three fields of work to do so.
1. Work with yourself
This is the most effective, because we are the only ones we can develop and change. “The first thing you can do here is to understand what exactly causes the strongest negative emotions in a relationship with your boss,” explains Nadezhda Dyakonova. – That he doesn’t appreciate you? Rude? Control every step? The list can be long, and you need to highlight in it what you can put up with and what you consider unacceptable in relation to yourself. This is the main thing that we can try to change. But do not expect that everything will work out in an instant.
“We have to learn to defend personal boundaries and hone communication skills. Influence is competence. It can be learned. Find books, articles about emotional intelligence, about communication techniques, study them and put this knowledge into practice,” Yulia Burlakova advises.
One way to feel more confident is to work with the body. “Our sense of self always finds bodily expression,” says Nadezhda Dyakonova. – If we feel like a victim, then we involuntarily strive to take up less space in space, shrink, stoop, pull our heads into our shoulders. A simple exercise that is useful to practice: stand with your legs apart, spread your arms wide, keeping your neck straight, and catch your feelings: but now I have become more! Notice what thoughts come in this position, how different they are from the pessimistic thoughts of the victim, huddled into a ball.
2. Work with the boss
Very often, notes Yulia Burlakova, no one simply dares to tell a harmful boss that he is wrong. Why don’t you be the first? “Sometimes calling a spade a spade is an act of great power,” adds the coach.
How to talk with the manager so that he hears you and corrects his behavior? First, says Nadezhda Dyakonova, you need to choose the right moment. It makes no sense to have a conversation in an altercation mode when you are in conflict with him and at the peak of negative emotions. An equally unfortunate option is to blame him.
Even if you say the “correct” words, but in a trembling voice, standing in the position of a petitioner, there will be no sense
“The main rule of such an explanation is to use the “I-statement”. Not “You are bad”, but “I feel very bad when you yell at me, after that I give up, I can’t do anything for half a day. Come on, try to be more constructive in your conversation with me.” Then it doesn’t sound like a “collision” with him, you are talking about yourself and your feelings. You are not asking him to become a different person, but you are asking him to change some specific points in his behavior.
This is where all the skills that you practiced alone with yourself can come in handy. Without this preliminary work, success is unlikely to await you, Nadezhda Dyakonova warns. “Even if you say the “right” words, but in a trembling voice, not daring to look directly into his eyes, standing in the pose of a petitioner, there will be no sense. Therefore, pre-make the body setting. Here you need deep, even breathing, a sense of your own stability, confidence.
3. Working with a team
Team feedback can be very effective, especially if personal circumstances prevent you from risking a one-on-one conversation with your boss. “It really works,” Yulia Burlakova is sure. “The leader, like all of us, is a social being, and when society puts pressure on him, urging him not to be so harmful, he most often changes his behavior.”
But for this, of course, you need to agree and unite with colleagues. The problem is, Yulia Burlakova recalls, that this is not possible everywhere, especially since harmful bosses often act in a Machiavellian way, trying to separate employees so that they do not have a sense of community. But maybe you can work out a compromise option – in a conversation with the manager, refer to similar opinions of other colleagues: “Referring to the majority in many cases works very well.”
Managing people is hard!
We get angry at a bad boss. And what does the picture look like from his side? The coach Nadezhda Dyakonova tells.
“The leaders are often appointed those who have shown high individual results. But the qualities for which they are promoted (for example, the desire to take on a lot or focus on details) do not help, and sometimes even get in the way.
The success of a manager depends on the ability to understand people and inspire them, and not on the ability to do quality work on their own.
In an effort to complete the tasks, such leaders can control, order, but this approach only demotivates employees. As a result, the leader feels helpless and … continues to control even more. In leadership development training, leaders “breathe” with relief when they realize that others have similar problems and that management is an objectively difficult art that needs to be learned.”