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They can be offended and break off relations because of a mere trifle, an innocent remark. “Well, I will never forget him!” they say emphatically. What is behind this position?
Each of us had to be offended, which means getting angry, angry, feeling irritation, bitterness, anxiety. “Resentment is a universal psychological defense mechanism that helps to cope with unpleasant experiences, mental pain, ambivalence of feelings,” explains psychotherapist Varvara Stepanova. “Having experienced it, we unconsciously begin to avoid situations that hurt us.” But some of us are hurt by even the slightest missteps of others. Such people cannot forgive someone else’s mistake and never forget what happened. Stubbornly cherishing bitter feelings, they never want to part with their resentment. Why is this happening?
Resentment from the past
When resentment is disproportionately large compared to what a person said or did, it is worth looking for its causes in the past. “It is quite possible that the “offender” turned out to be similar to someone close to him or his actions reminded him of a painful event of bygone days,” explains Varvara Stepanova. “The scars left after those experiences begin to bleed again under the most seemingly harmless circumstances.”
So, Svetlana cannot forgive her neighbor because of the events of six years ago: “I had to leave home for a couple of hours, and I asked her to look after my daughter. And she took her for a walk and did not put on her hat. And it’s in March! I will never forgive her.” If Svetlana had analyzed her feelings, she might have discovered that the real reason for her feelings is not at all the frivolity of her neighbor.
“Behind excessive worries about the health of the child, there is a fear of being an insolvent mother,” Varvara Stepanova believes. – As a child, Svetlana was rejected by her parents, and she believed that she was not loved because she was imperfect. And having matured, she “hid” anxiety about her insolvency behind an insult to her neighbor.
“Behind my resentment was a childish pain”
Nikolai, 36 years old, biologist
“I once asked a friend to help me come up with a pitch for a new project, but he refused. Probably just been busy. And I thought he didn’t care about my business. And offended. Later, talking to a psychotherapist showed me what really hurt me so deeply. At one of the sessions, I felt an acute sadness and could not hold back the tears. I remembered how hard it was to leave my older brother’s house. I was seven, I felt that I was abandoned and betrayed, but I could not tell anyone about it. And now, 20 years later, these feelings broke out and turned to a completely different person.
Banishing one’s own Shadow
Jungian analysts say that different characters live in each of us. A tolerant and intolerant person, a noble person and one who rejoices in someone else’s grief, coexist in the space of our soul. Jung believed that “in every well-bred man lives a brute, in every woman a witch, this is the principle of dualism.”
The problem is that these characters pretend not to notice each other. The brute and the witch are banished into the unconscious, where they become our Shadow. When we are not aware of these facets of our personality, they begin to control our behavior – and unexpectedly for ourselves, we are offended over trifles, and then we remember the offense for a long time.
Dictate stereotype
Finally, it is difficult to forgive even those who are accustomed to checking other people’s words and deeds only with their own picture of the world. In the “offender” they see a threat to their well-being, because to give up their opinion for them means to reject a part of their own personality. Their firm desire to follow a certain life model, adherence to stereotypes (“A true friend should be there in difficult times” or “Close people never quarrel”) prevents them from living.
Being in the power of internal dictate, such a person, for example, does not notice the approach of a crisis in relations, turns a blind eye to warning signs. And when another commits an act that falls out of the model that has been formed over the years, the world collapses and forgiveness becomes impossible. It is probably better to come to terms with the fact that life is a movement, and forgiveness, washing away resentment, helps us integrate into its flow.
What to do?
Understand your feelings
Determine what feeling is behind the offense: humiliation, rejection, disappointment? Recognizing the cause that caused a storm of negative emotions, it is easier to get rid of them. After all, then it becomes clear that the offender touched the vulnerable part of your soul. To realize its existence means to help oneself get rid of the accumulated pain.
Understand the offender’s motives
Only by doing this will you be able to forgive him. Here’s an example: you got nasty. Analyzing the behavior of the offender, you may find that he is not confident in himself and asserts himself in communication with others. Finding every time the true reason for hurtful acts, you will learn to see the offender as a victim who is fighting not with you, but with his own unresolved conflicts.
Accept your responsibility
Perhaps you expect too much from relationships, or you may not be clear enough about your feelings, hopes, and needs. Be honest with yourself: how could you provoke hurtful words? Learn to communicate clearly what you expect and understand what others expect of you. Avoid omissions – this is the only way you will prevent misunderstandings and disappointments.
Advice for those around you
When a person is offended, at the first moment he is not ready to listen to another. The only phrase you can say to him (as a witness or as an object of his violent emotions): “I understand you.” Thus, you give him a sign that later it is worth returning to discussing the situation. If you are directly involved in the conflict, acknowledge your share of responsibility for its occurrence and emphasize your desire to restore peace.
If you are just a witness, remind us of the benefits of forgiveness: it frees us from negative emotions, raises self-esteem (after all, the ability to forgive is a manifestation of nobility and breadth of the soul), and brings us closer to others.