«I had sex with a psychologist»

“After two meetings with a psychotherapist, I had to sign up for the next one, but I hesitated. A week later, he called himself, asked what happened, said that he was worried, 38-year-old Inna tells the story of her romance without much excitement. It was seven years ago, emotions had time to settle down.

“I lied that I was leaving. Then I became uncomfortable that he was worried about me, and I neglect it, and I called back. I dressed especially carefully for this meeting, I don’t know why. At the end of the session, he asked about plans for the evening, I replied that I was free. We had dinner together and I gave him a movie CD that I liked. Then he called and offered to discuss this film. That time we went to the cinema. The next time we had dinner again … and then rushed to each other — it was like a flash. He refunded my money for previous sessions.

Our romance lasted three months, and then it got to the point where it was time for me to make a decision whether to leave my husband or not. We needed a serious conversation, but none of us decided on it. Relations gradually faded away. And the problem that I came with just lost its significance in comparison with this storm of feelings.

Among American psychotherapists, 12% of men and 3% of women have had sexual relations with their clients.¹. There are no Russian statistics on this subject, however, stories of those who have been harassed by a psychologist regularly appear on the Web. At the same time, such behavior is considered a gross violation of professional ethics. Why?

What’s bad about it?

For Inna, the story ended without any visible harm. True, she did not receive the psychological help she came to therapy for, but she was not offended or offended. However, the consequences of intimacy with a psychologist can be more dramatic for the client — ranging from self-doubt to self-worth and ending with suicide.².

We turn to a specialist to sort out our feelings and learn how to build more open, free and harmonious relationships with other people, but instead, another complex, confusing and traumatic connection arises. In addition, deception occurs: the focus of attention is shifted from the needs of the client to the desires of the therapist, and thus psychotherapy is effectively terminated. The client is under the delusion that he is still getting help.

The practicing therapist cannot have other interests than those of the client. But when he becomes sexually interested, the roles change: he begins to pursue and protect his own interests. Sometimes it comes to the point that he threatens to reveal the personal secrets of the client if he complains of sexual harassment, or inspires him with guilt, shifting responsibility for what happened to him.

Do clients seduce themselves?

“Then he said: “That day you were dressed in such a way that I understood that the girl is ready, and you can not be afraid of rejection,” Inna recalls. Coming to therapy, many really begin to unconsciously flirt.

The fact is that when we seek help, whether it be psychological, medical or any other, we find ourselves in a situation of dependence and uncertainty. We are worried, not knowing what will happen to us, how they will help us, but we hope for a knowledgeable, intelligent and powerful specialist. That is, we return to the psychological state familiar from childhood, when parents had power over us. And our well-being and life depended on how much they like us, how much we “tempt” us into a good attitude towards us.

With a psychotherapist, we involuntarily reproduce this childish behavior of ours, calculated to earn tenderness, care and care. We flirt, hoping that we will be treated better, more effective help, and not at all striving for sexual intimacy. But no matter how provocative we dress and act, it is part of our habitual mode of action, and it is the therapist’s job to work with it for our benefit, not to exploit it for our own benefit.

The responsibility for ensuring that flirting does not turn into a sensual connection lies entirely with the psychotherapist.

Why does a psychologist do this?

The motivational motive for the psychotherapist’s sexual claims is most often not so much his sexual dissatisfaction as the enjoyment of his power. That is, there is an abuse of power, even if the therapist sincerely believes that he is «saving» the client in this way. Alas, this is never true.

At the heart of his actions are personal needs and aspirations that he may not be aware of — in particular, the need for love, respect, admiration. Everyone has them, the difference is that the profession of a psychotherapist assumes that these needs (like others) are conscious and the professional finds ways to satisfy them outside of interaction with clients (among colleagues, friends and relatives).

The psychotherapist gains awareness of his needs, feelings and control over them by undergoing personal therapy, in which he himself takes the place of the client. However, not in all helping professions, personal therapy is a condition for obtaining a diploma. For example, hypnologists, NLP specialists, counseling psychologists are not required to undergo personal therapy.

In state institutions, only graduates of medical universities are entitled to engage in psychotherapy. But they are not obliged to undergo therapy themselves, and in the «Russian doctor’s oath», unlike the Hippocratic oath, there is no promise to avoid sexual contact with patients.

Entering into non-psychotherapeutic relationships with clients is also provoked by the cultural attitude inherent in modern Russian society — the tendency to «double relationships». It manifests itself in the fact that friends are hired, they have novels in the service, they give gifts to doctors, they provide services to teachers. The inadmissibility of such a kind of «double relationship» as sex with a client, in such conditions, is not realized by everyone.

But this can be neither an apology nor an excuse — a professional must clearly understand what he is doing and what consequences his actions will lead to. If the therapist experiences sexual desires in relation to the client, this is his psychological problem. Then he goes to supervision (analysis of work with a more experienced colleague) and sorts out his feelings. Together with the supervisor, he also decides whether his desires can be considered an obstacle to continuing psychotherapy — and if so, he refers the client to another therapist.

And if this is love?

The relationship between therapist and client cannot be love. They are initially unequal and arise in specially created conditions of intimacy: the therapist is focused on the client. Because of this, during therapy, there is a feeling that I am deeply understood and accepted as a person, and in return I feel gratitude and sympathy. The security and support provided by the therapist also opens up the possibility for us to express our sexual impulses that we have suppressed in our normal (unsafe) environment.

Attractiveness may be added to liking, and as a result we will experience falling in love with the therapist. He plays the role of a symbolic figure for us, onto which we freely project our feelings. After all, we meet him not in a real setting, where you can see how he manifests himself in different situations, but in the office, knowing practically nothing about him — his image was created by our fantasies.

Therefore, it is important for both therapist and client to clearly understand the difference between sexual experience and sexual action. Experiences are an important part of the experience of each person and, accordingly, the psychotherapeutic process. But sexual activities are unacceptable either during the sessions, or after them, or at the end of therapy. This is the use of the client, his vulnerability and ignorance: after all, he does not realize that his feelings are addressed to a symbolic object, and not to a real person.

The client always experiences the greatest disappointment (even if he is not humiliated or abandoned) when he discovers that his therapist has his own needs outside of his professional role, that he is not ready to meet him halfway and sacrifice his own interests.

But what to do if both — both the therapist and his client — believe that a miracle has happened and their feelings for each other are not the result of psychotherapeutic interaction, but true love? Our experts are unanimous: it is the professional duty of the psychotherapist to stop therapy immediately, stop dating, refer the client to another specialist, and undergo supervision and personal therapy himself. Only after that they can meet and test their feelings in real life.

What is our relationship?

Not every relationship with a psychologist is psychotherapy. “I called him to agree on the conditions, and he replied that he didn’t take money for help, he offered to come to meet him first,” recalls 25-year-old Maria. “I explained that he was conducting business trainings, and that he was simply helping his acquaintances with advice.” For three months she came once a week, they drank tea, talked about her affairs.

“And then one day we moved from the kitchen to the bedroom,” Maria admits. “After that, every meeting ended with sex.” Maria was worried about the uncertainty: they did not have common acquaintances (except for the person who gave her the psychologist’s phone number), they did not go anywhere together, did not discuss their relationship. After another six months, she decided to stop meeting … and it easily succeeded: “I just didn’t call. I was waiting for him to call himself, and then I would explain that I was not satisfied with the ambiguity between us. But he didn’t show up. It hurts to think that I meant so little to him. He didn’t even bother to find out what happened!»

To avoid disappointment, it is important to know that psychotherapy is not any relationship with a psychologist, but what happens after the conclusion of a “contract” — an oral or written agreement between a client and a specialist on assistance, goals and methods of work, conditions, number of meetings and their cost. The contract enforces boundaries and establishes a distance between the client and the psychologist.

Today, as consumers of psychological services, we are becoming more and more qualified. But still, sometimes we fall into the trap of self-deception, trying to get advice or support for free. If we don’t discuss the terms on which we are being helped, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to decide whether those terms are right for us or not. And when we feel indebted, grateful, or guilty (which happens with free help), we are much easier to manipulate.

under our responsibility

In the countries of the European Union and North America, sexual contacts between a psychologist and a client are considered an administrative or criminal offense and are prosecuted by law. There are no such laws in Russia. But in all professional codes, sexual intercourse with a client is considered unacceptable.

In the case of sexual abuse by a psychologist, the client may file a complaint with the ethical committee of the professional community to which he belongs. The result in most cases will be the exclusion of a specialist from the professional community and the condemnation of colleagues. In extreme cases — in case of rape — you need to contact the police: this is a criminal offense.

So let’s be careful when choosing a psychotherapist. Our decisions largely determine how qualified assistance we receive.

¹ According to the American National Survey of Psychologist-Patient Sexual Involvement, see K. Pope, «Prior Therapist-Patient Sexual Involvement Among Patients Seen by Psychologists», kspope.com/sexiss/sex2.php

² K. Pope «Sexual intimacies between therapists and patients» (Praeger, 1986).