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When we are just starting to think about relationships, we do not have a clear idea of what our chosen one should be. Even if the image of an ideal partner was suggested to us by films and books, we still do not understand ourselves enough, we cannot clearly determine what is important in a satellite for us. The older we get, the more consciously we make choices. A new problem arises – where to meet a future partner? This will help the Internet, friends and our own enterprise.
You can look for your betrothed in the library or in the cemetery, as the heroine Irina Muravyova once advised in the film “Moscow Does Not Believe in Tears”. But now there are many other ways to meet your man – the main thing is to find this “mushroom” or “cool” place. And there are quite a lot of them, such places in our reality. Where to begin? For example, accept the help of friends. Or you can go to a dating site or go on a real hike through the forests or mountains.
Among acquaintances
“The friends of our friends are our friends,” says a French proverb. As a rule, we rotate with them in a common socio-cultural environment, often adhere to the same views (unless, of course, we are talking about politics), we have a similar lifestyle. If our friends or loved ones had the idea to introduce us to someone, it would be a good chance to find a soul mate.
“The likelihood that the first meeting will develop into a long-term relationship will be higher if there are common interests,” says psychodramatherapist Anastasia Bashlykova. – Often we choose our life partners based on the similarity of parameters (age, tastes, social environment, character and other basic parameters), as well as psychological compatibility.
Therefore, most often we find each other when we communicate among our own people who are close to us in spirit: they read cultural codes, quote familiar books and films, understand jokes and anecdotes. The feeling that we are “on the same wavelength” is perceived by many as a sign – this is my man!
This is also confirmed by statistics. “In the age of the Internet, 72% of people find love in their inner circle (friends, family, work),” writes sociologist Jean-Claude Kaufmann in The Single Woman and Prince Charming. – Dating sites facilitate the first contact, but not always promote long-term relationships. It is better to build a personal life in an environment of close people in which you feel more protected.
Before turning to friends for help, it is worth considering their personal characteristics and weighing all the pros and cons of your frankness.
This is how 38-year-old Inga met her future husband Alexei: “After the divorce, I didn’t meet anyone for two years. And my friend once offered to introduce me to interesting men, colleagues of her husband. One weekend they invited a large company to their dacha. We grilled kebabs, played Crocodile, sang along with the guitar.
When I heard my favorite song by Mityaev in a brilliant performance by Alexei, my heart skipped a beat for the first time. Then he joked successfully several times, remembering my favorite quote from “The Same Munchausen”. That became the password for us as a couple.”
But, like almost everything in the world, friendly participation has a downside.
“Women who are married, on the one hand, sincerely wish happiness to their single girlfriends, but on the other hand, they envy their freedom a little,” says Jean-Claude Kaufman. “If the “matchmaking” is crowned with success, then they, feeling involved in the creation of a new family, consider themselves entitled to interfere in the personal life of a friend, and this can lead to a break in friendship.”
Is good friendship worth family happiness and vice versa? Difficult question! But before turning to friends for help, it is worth considering their personal characteristics and weighing all the pros and cons of your frankness. However, there are ways to do without outside participation.
Why are matching sites useful?
There are two types of sites. Ordinary, where everyone chooses friends according to their wishes, and matching sites (English matching – “match”), where suitable profiles are combined after psychological analysis. Does it increase the chances of finding a partner?
“There is no fundamental difference between these sites – they are one and the same,” explains psychoanalyst Serge Tisseron. – Regular sites are visited by those who are looking for profiles of users similar to themselves. Sometimes the number of profiles makes my head spin. And on matching sites, psychologists do the search instead. Just like the matchmakers used to. And they knew a lot about pairing!
These sites have a placebo effect. People are reassured that when choosing a couple, a psychological analysis was carried out. They tell themselves that such an algorithm will improve their chances of finding the right partner. Therefore, they feel more confident and more attentive to those candidates who have been found for them.
And more attention, in turn, increases the likelihood that a virtual meeting will turn into a serious relationship. But the problem of choice does not disappear, no matter what site we are talking about – first people talk about themselves, and then they look for partners who have the same tastes and hobbies as themselves.
This is where the huge mistake lies: when we talk about ourselves, we unwittingly mislead other people. In addition, there is no evidence that the strength of relationships is based on the commonality of tastes or the similarity of characters. On the contrary, they are built on the fact that everyone does not know about himself, and body language plays a crucial role in this. And in virtual meetings, body language is not involved.”
Reality show
“A few months after breaking up with a girl, I was looking for a new one in the same place as always: at parties, in nightclubs, but it didn’t end with something serious, so, hang out fun and that’s it,” says 27-year-old Eduard. – I tried to hit on free colleagues at work, but our team is not that big, and soon all the resources have exhausted themselves.
And I decided to look in a new place: I looked through the offers of travel agencies and saw an invitation – they were looking for young men who were ready to take oars in their hands and become captains of catamarans. During the trip, I met Asya.
For two weeks I saw her without makeup, and in difficult conditions of rafting on the rapids. I liked how bold she was. And then she burst into tears so touchingly when her favorite cap accidentally floated away.
At parties and cultural events, we often wear a mask. We are quite capable of keeping the style for several hours, but “in domestic, real conditions, on a long business trip or on a hike, sooner or later we begin to show what is hidden under water, and not just the tip of the iceberg,” says Anastasia Bashlykova. – It is difficult for us to save face when we find ourselves in difficult weather, and even more so extreme conditions.
In such situations, it becomes clear whether it is possible to go on reconnaissance with us, and we learn about others, what they are like in communication, how, for example, they prepare and participate in team affairs. After all, a family is also a team. Finally, do they snore, are they clean, are they neat with their clothes? This is something that, when meeting, for example, via the Internet, we will discover very soon.
Stop waiting – it’s time to act!
What is the mandatory program for those who want to find a partner? The main rule: water does not flow under a lying stone, so you need to act, says psychodramatherapist Anastasia Bashlykova. Where to begin?
- Post a profile on dating sites, and pay special attention to the photo series – order a professional photo session: the contingent you need is unlikely to react to a selfie in the mirror of the toilet. Yes, and candid photos can also create an impression of you as a frivolous person.
- Talk about yourself in doses: give a few bright facts to attract attention, but do not lay out too many details so as not to overwhelm. Write only the truth, because sooner or later, with serious plans for a relationship, you will have to expose yourself: you should not create grounds for accusations of deceit.
- Don’t set the bar too high for candidates or you risk being left with nothing or facing a scammer. For example, the requirement “only the wealthy, with a yacht and their own living space in the center of Moscow” does not stand up to the test of reality: how many of these go to dating sites?
- Write to everyone who interested you, discuss various, including neutral, topics. Sometimes a lot of useful information is revealed in ordinary chatter. Do not wait for the initiative of another – be active yourself. And at the first opportunity, go to video chat and reality.
- Refrain from visiting places where there is a gender imbalance among guests. If you are looking for a man, go to places where there are definitely a lot of them, for example, discussion, literary, language or reenactment clubs, quizzes (quizzes).
- Change something in your usual life: place of residence or work, learn new hobbies. In a word, get out of the well-trodden rut and experiment.