Resentment is what we feel when we are upset. But some of us get offended too often. Why such vulnerability?
For the third year now, 30-year-old Svetlana has not communicated with her relatives, who, in her opinion, betrayed her and severely offended her. “I don’t want to talk about my feelings with them – I think that they won’t understand me, they will ridicule me and, of course, they won’t admit their guilt,” she says.
“Resentment is a strong feeling, it destroys and undermines relationships from the inside, even with the closest people,” says psychologist Lyudmila Ermolaeva. “But this is also a heavy burden, it interferes with life, limits our freedom. When we get offended, we become our own enemy. After all, we ourselves suffer, and not our “offender”. But it’s not in human nature to cause yourself suffering and discomfort.”
Failure to meet expectations
We feel that we have been treated unfairly. But another person has his own system of life values, which means that there may be a different opinion on this matter. In many cases, we weren’t meant to be offended at all. It was we who reacted so sharply to the act of another, because our expectations were not met.
So, for example, 23-year-old Olesya stopped communicating with her friend because she expected him to start courting her. He did not do this, and she was offended. “I was offended like a small child who stamps his foot and stubbornly declares:“ I want it that way! If you don’t do it my way, I won’t play with you!, says psychotherapist Irina Semizorova. “We can say that Olesya was offended not by her friend, but by the discrepancy between his behavior and his expectations.”
Many of us make the mistake of assuming that the other person thinks the same way we do, and therefore should understand us. But the offender is not a telepath, but another person with his own ideas, and he cannot guess what they want from him.
Karpman triangle
Irina Semizorova is sure that those of us who receive hidden benefits as a result are often offended. In such a situation, the classic Karpman triangle “Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer” arises.
The abuser assumes the role of the Victim (or child) who allows you to get away from solving the problem. In this role, many feel quite comfortable. After all, they are pitied, listened to, helped, forgive. Rescuers protect the Victim from the Persecutor. All this allows the offended person not to take responsibility in a conflict situation.
Another significant hidden benefit is the ability to take revenge on the offender. Then the Victim can become the Persecutor, who accumulates resentment in order to wait for rush hour – the sweet moment of revenge.
First of all, it is important to accept that the other has the right to be different from us. The second is to realize your sacrificial role
Resentment is closely connected with a sense of guilt, and therefore the roles of the Victim and the Aggressor change so easily: if he offended me, then he is guilty, that is, he is guilty. And if he is guilty, then I have every right to ask him for something, to demand satisfaction.
If the offender does not admit his guilt and does not behave the way I want it, then I, on the rights of the offended, ask for something else, sometimes more important and significant for myself. That is, the Victim becomes a manipulator and extracts a secondary benefit from the situation. And why is it bad for the victim?
Leave the role of the Victim
How to get out of the role of the Victim and the accuser? First of all, accept that the other has the right to be different from us. The second is to realize your sacrificial role.
“It is very important to strongly and truly want to change your behavior and clearly understand why this is necessary,” explains Irina Semizorova. – You need to realize all the disadvantages of your new position, because changing your lifestyle, a person who refuses the role of the Victim takes responsibility for his life, accepts the fact that he is lonely and that no one will ever understand him better than he myself”.
Awareness (“Who am I?” “What and why am I doing?” “What do I want from a relationship?”), Taking responsibility for my desires and feelings, and relevance will help to change: is the old resentment still alive?
Once again, offended by someone, do this exercise: take a piece of paper, divide it into two parts, on the left write the answers to the question “How does the offense help me?”, And on the right – to the question “How does the offense bother me?” . Then ask yourself, “Why do I keep getting offended?”
“Analyze your feelings at the moment, perhaps you will understand that resentment no longer has such strength and power as before, and it should be written off as irrelevant as an old unnecessary product,” says Lyudmila Ermolaeva. And if so, you can try to speak frankly with those whom you are offended by. Especially if these people are important to you.
Recognizing yourself and the other, expressing your desires, negotiating are the first steps to stop expecting and demanding
Confessing your offense means hearing both yourself and the other person. That will allow us to understand why he acted in relation to us this way and not otherwise.
“In any relationship, there must be clarity: “Who am I?” “Who are you?” “What do I expect from a relationship?” — continues Irina Semizorova. “Try not to wait or demand what the person isn’t ready for or isn’t capable of doing.”
Recognizing yourself and the other, expressing your feelings and desires, being able to negotiate with others are the first steps to stop expecting and demanding, Lyudmila Ermolaeva agrees.
You need to learn to be aware of your limits. “I have my own life path.” “I know what I feel, I think, and I can not react to unfair words and actions directed at me.” Words that help us stop the offender (or stop words): “Stop, please”, “Enough”, “I can’t continue this conversation”, “Why are you telling me this now? What do you mean by that?
This is the definition of boundaries: we do not allow ourselves to be offended. We stop playing this game and we emerge victorious from it.