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Some situations knock us out of emotional balance: we lose our temper, and then we worry for a long time and scroll through possible solutions and answers in our heads. But it’s too late to do or say anything. Why are we confused and unable to protect ourselves? Is it possible to change the usual scenario? The psychologist says.
If we analyze those moments when we fall out of the usual emotional state, we can see that most often they develop according to the same scenario and evoke similar emotions.
For example, we may notice that we have difficulty withstanding even minor criticism. Any remark or clarifying question addressed to us causes in us a feeling of guilt and a feeling of insignificance.
Because of this, the everyday situation, which could be cleared up in a couple of minutes, turns into a tragedy for a person, invisible to others. And it continues to develop, gaining momentum thanks to intense internal dialogues and experiences: “Why is that? For what? Why didn’t I answer? But I had to say that…”
Experiences from childhood
If something evokes in us a strong emotional response that is disproportionate to the situation, or, conversely, “turns off” our feelings, perhaps it reminds us of a painful event from the past. About a situation that was difficult and unbearable for us in childhood or adolescence, and for which our psyche did not find a solution then. That is, it could not protect us.
A simple example: as a child, a mother scolded a child for untidy toys or bad grades and became even angrier if he said something to her in response. The child was scared and embarrassed. He felt lonely and helpless, he was afraid to say anything to his mother and just cried.
This child grew up, became an adult and independent person. But when someone starts talking to him in a raised voice, he again feels helpless. Wit and confidence leave him, he wants to justify himself and defend himself. Therefore, he only remains silent and holds back tears.
This is because interaction with an aggressive person recreates in memory that episode in a relationship with mom.
When we encounter behavior in adulthood that reminds us of the past, it is as if we are returning to a traumatic situation from childhood. We live the same feelings, experience the same confusion and resentment. This reaction and helplessness now is the reaction of that child from the past, not the adult from the present.
Can we protect ourselves if someone raises their voice at us? As an adult, yes we can. But if at this moment we return to the state of a confused, frightened child, we will not succeed.
Learning to defend
Our task in such situations is as follows: firstly, to detect the similarity of the scenarios of the present and the past, and secondly, to help ourselves return to an adult state. In the state where we have our own opinion, understanding of the boundaries, as well as the courage to speak about them.
1. Looking for the original story
How to understand that experiences in the present are a repetition of a scenario from the past? Answer a few questions:
- Are these feelings new to me, or are they familiar to me?
- If they are familiar to me, what do they look like? When, with whom, in what situation did I experience this?
- How old was I then?
- How did I react then?
When we manage to notice the similarity of reactions and feelings in the present and the past, we can try to manage them.
2. Come up with an alternative scenario
Is it possible to maintain emotional balance in a familiar situation? Only if you change the recurring script. To do this, you need to answer 3 questions:
- What do my feelings look like now, are they familiar to me?
- How old am I now, in this reaction, in these feelings that I have?
- How would I react to this situation from my current adult age?
3. We turn to the adult part
Answer these 3 questions from an adult position, from your real age. It is scary and embarrassing for a child, a little boy or a little girl. But what does your adult part think about what is happening? You will probably hear other answers from her.
Such a simple dialogue with oneself helps to return to an adult state and not “fall through” into childhood experiences. This means that we will be able to remain calm in difficult situations, we will not allow ourselves to be offended.
Just don’t rush! It takes small steps to form new habits. It is important for the psyche to understand that this is possible, this is good, and, most importantly, it is safe.
About the Developer
Ekaterina Pavlenko – psychoanalytically oriented psychologist, psychotherapist, business consultant. Her .