I found out that my husband likes men

There is such a popular American TV series Grace and Frankie. His heroines, having been married for decades, suddenly find out that their husbands are homosexuals. The series is a comedy, and all the vicissitudes are served with humor. But in real life, when one of the spouses in an older couple comes out, it can break both of their hearts. “Both spouses are the victims,” says Amity Pierce Buxton, herself a survivor of such a drama and founded an organization¹ to support those who find themselves in a similar situation.

The Huffington Post website published three stories of women who had to go through such an ordeal.

Emity, 87 years old

We had a wonderful marriage, two children, but over time, my husband began to move away from me. He retired early, traveled a lot by himself and generally spent time without me. I didn’t attach much importance to it.

Then he left me, and a year later he invited me to dinner, during which he said that I was frigid, which infuriated me. Later, he ended up in the hospital – he was undergoing some kind of minor operation, and I came to visit him. He had not yet completely recovered from anesthesia and suddenly confessed: “I have something to tell you. I’m gay”. At first I burst out laughing: “Are we on a soap opera?”

It turned out that he had a lover whom he left to marry me because he was a Catholic. But he never cheated on me while we were married. At first I was shocked, then I refused to believe it. It took some time before I could accept reality. After this, you start asking yourself: “What does this mean? Was I not sexy enough? Didn’t know how to make love properly? Then such thoughts come: “If my life has become part of someone else’s deception, then who am I?” All my self-image was turned upside down.

It is clear that for him our marriage was a kind of prison. Once he told me: “I can’t live like this anymore,” I replied: “Yes, of course you can!” The next day he committed suicide. Couldn’t take it anymore. He was a wonderful person, and I grieved madly. I think he struggled with depression for years because he could not be himself all his life.

Susan, 51

We had been married for 10 years when I suspected that he was having an affair with another woman. I then accidentally overheard him talking to someone on the phone about dancing in a bar. But then something made me think he was talking to a man. One evening while we were on vacation, we had too much to drink, and I decided to ask him a direct question, to which he replied: “I have always liked men.”

Several times over the years I tried to bring him back to this conversation, but he got angry, so I stopped asking questions. But the thought of it never left me. I started to follow him, tried to build a whole picture from different “evidence”, but only after 10 years I finally decided to dissolve the marriage. By that time, the situation had heated up, he finally began to admit his orientation. I plucked up the courage to ask, “Did you know you were gay before we got married?” And he answered: “Yes.”

And then, and for a long time after that, I experienced very ambiguous emotions about the revealed truth. Some part of me was overcome with rage and hatred, but there was another, no less significant part of me that pitied him. I remember I told him that if he was honest with me, we could be best friends. In the end, I said that I wanted to leave him.

The truth about his orientation was a serious blow to my self-esteem. If I lived with a man for 20 years and did not know anything, what does this say about me? After this, I was scared to get to know someone, I was afraid of intimacy. But on the other hand, am I such a tolerant person? Do I have prejudices? I consider tolerance and lack of prejudice to be important qualities, and this situation allowed me to look at myself from the outside.

I tell my children that ideally we could all relax together, but I myself am not quite ready for this yet. I don’t fully understand how he himself experiences everything that happens. It seems to me that he came out only half: he does not call himself gay, he just says that he is interested in men. It’s like he’s afraid to say the word, so I think it’s still hard for him.

Judith, for 70

My story is probably different from most others. I knew about everything even before we got married, but I was drawn to my future husband, he was my true love. Once before the wedding, Dick said to me: “I have something to confess to you. If it weren’t for you, I would be a homosexual.” It was in 1966, it was as if gays didn’t exist back then. There was not a single person of homosexual orientation in my environment. It seemed to me that it was just something like a neurosis. He agreed that this was partly true. At one time he went to a psychotherapist, and I suggested: maybe he just needs additional therapy?

He proposed to me and we got married. I had no idea that he was suffering, I did not know that he still thinks or fantasizes about men. We didn’t talk about it. Once he told me everything, and I was just crushed. It felt like a terrible loss. On the other hand, I was a feminist and very supportive of the gay rights struggle, which was just beginning then. I told him that I admired his courage.

If I found out that he was sleeping with another woman, it would just kill me. This would mean that I was pushed out of the place I occupied – next to him. But I was still the only woman in his life, and that comforted me. But, as after any parting with a person whom he truly loved, life could no longer be the same.

He was the most important person in my life and continued to be until my daughter was born. My second husband didn’t really care until Dick died of AIDS in 1986. My husband was surprised by my grief. And I have never had such a close connection with anyone else as with Dick. All my youth, with its strong feelings, was connected with him. This can no longer be changed.

For details, see Online The Huffington Post.

¹ Straight Spouse Network