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Is it possible to forgive the betrayal of a partner when you are expecting a common child? Is it worth talking to him about it, or is it better to keep a secret and live together «for the sake of the child»? Our reader told why she decided to remain silent. And the psychologist commented on her story and explained how to act in such a difficult situation.
«The day will come when we say goodbye forever»
Alexandra, 28 years old:
“It’s just amazing, new and at the same time overwhelming to find out that you will have a child. It is even more stunning to find out about this on the same day as the news of her husband’s infidelity. Two short text messages — the first with the result of the analysis, and the second — from the secret «well-wisher». I remember this moment. For several minutes I looked at myself as if from a distance, like in a silent movie: here I am slowly sinking onto the sofa, a smartphone in my hands, my head is a little dizzy … So much news at once! And no one will ask — where to start: good or bad?
Sasha and I were waiting for our second child for three long years, but the baby still did not appear. The doctor said that IVF was indispensable — and here’s a surprise, suddenly I had a hope that I was pregnant. For several days I did not dare to take the test. Suddenly a mistake and all my hopes will not come true? The result of the analysis came from the laboratory quickly: now there was no doubt that we would have a baby. But why did the white stripe immediately turn into black?
The secret «well-wisher» continued to write to me
“Your husband is cheating on you”, “we love each other” — such SMS came over the next couple of days. And then the alleged mistress tried to contact me: “Do you know where Sasha is? Today is my daughter’s birthday, he promised to come to us with a gift, but he never showed up. My daughter is waiting … «It was already too much! I resolutely blocked the caller and tried to erase her image, the memories of the uninvited intrusion into our lives from memory.
Soon our son was born and worries were added. I had absolutely no time to pay attention to everything that did not concern the baby and the eldest daughter. I was very tired, offended that my husband hardly helped me: Sasha stayed late at work almost every day. But a month later, the son began to sleep better at night, got used to the regimen.
One day I woke up early in the morning not from the cry of a baby and found that I had slept for the first time. And yes, there is a real world around me. I started to listen and look around. My husband was sleeping next to me, I moved closer to him and smelled the scent of an unfamiliar women’s perfume. SMS from the “secret well-wisher” again surfaced in my memory. So their relationship continues?
I turned into a real Sherlock Holmes — with a stroller I tracked down my husband by his geolocation
I soon became convinced that he was dating a girl who looked a little younger than me. In just a week, I knew where she lived, where she walked with her daughter, what store she went to for groceries. And then she stopped and thought — what to do next, is it worth talking about this with her husband?
And I decided to remain silent. I was just afraid of a conversation that could destroy our family, and then I would be left alone with two children. So four years passed. I was convinced that I could live only for the sake of children. But to restore trust and love in our relationship is no longer possible. Sometimes my husband talks about a third child, and in these moments I just shrink from the inside.
The day when I found out about the second pregnancy and his betrayal became a black day for me, divided my life into “before” and “after”. Sometimes I can’t fall asleep for a long time and then I build “plans for the future”. I know for sure that the day will come when the children grow up, I will be able to go to work and tell my husband everything I think about his infidelity. This will be the day we say goodbye forever.
“It’s hard for us to part with our fantasies about a partner”
Anita Ivkina, psychoanalytically oriented therapist:
Alexandra’s story opens the door to the feelings and emotions that a woman faces when she finds out about her partner’s infidelity. And we could say: “Yes, it happens and we need to live on.” But everything is complicated by the fact that Alexandra found out about infidelity when she was pregnant.
Pregnancy is an incredible process that literally divides life into “before” and “after”. A woman is faced with a lot of new sensations — they are associated with hormonal changes, physical transformation of the body, mood swings, a decrease in the usual physical activity and the appearance of a feeling that our body does not belong to us now.
Therefore, during pregnancy, the support of the partner and the father of the unborn child is so important.
But let’s look at the situation from different points of view. When choosing a life partner, we sometimes attribute to him the ideal image that has formed in our idea of a future partner. Our fantasies about him come onto the scene: what he should be, what qualities he should have. In reality, our chosen one may be completely different. Often we look for “parent figures” in a partner and, not finding one, are disappointed. After all, our spouse is not dad or mom, and we are no longer children.
We do not know who the husband really was for Alexandra, what life values and principles he had, whether the heroine of the story could find support in him and build a happy union with this man.
However, there are cases when a woman during pregnancy switches all her attention to the unborn child. She does not leave space for a relationship with a partner. Relationships become cold and distant. The partner wants to feel significant for his woman, needs emotional and intimate intimacy, just as it was in their union before pregnancy.
We find it hard to let go of our fantasies about a partner and start exploring relationships that have reached an impasse.
Thoughts arise in my head: “how to live on?”, “Who am I without him?”, “What will happen to me?”. In addition, the experience of past generations and the attitudes of our ancestors join. For example, “the cross is heavy, but you have to bear it,” “patience brings salvation.” These thoughts and attitudes add up to a single puzzle, and we do not seek to clarify the relationship. It’s like we’re just waiting for things to get better.
Our heroine writes: “I decided to remain silent. I was just afraid of a conversation that could destroy our family, and then I would be left alone with two children. Of course, the fear of the unknown is one of the strongest in our lives. We need a lot of psychic energy to deal with it. To make the right decision, we are helped by internal resources and our own supports.
Alexandra feels that she does not have resources, but later they will appear: “I know for sure that the day will come when the children grow up, I will be able to go to work and tell my husband everything I think about his infidelity.” But is it really so? Will it be possible to build relationships in a new union, or will they also collapse at the first difficulties?
Relationships in a couple are the work of both partners. Their joint efforts, respect for each other, maturity and openness will determine how they will emerge from the crisis: separately or hand in hand.
What will help overcome the crisis?
The psychologist offers several steps to help cope with such a situation and resolve problems in a couple.
Be in dialogue with your partner, talk to him and talk about your feelings.
Do not expect your partner to guess about your desires, voice what you like and what you don’t.
Do not forget about intimacy and please each other.
Come up with rituals that will help you be alone with each other: a joint walk, a date in your favorite place.
Do not ignore the alarming signals in the behavior of your partner and do not allow aggression towards yourself.
Find and maintain your own range of interests and hobbies.
Resolve conflict situations alone with a partner, without the participation of children.
Recall the romantic stage of your relationship and bring back those actions that expressed mutual love and care.