Our forgetfulness can be perceived as inattention or disrespect for the interlocutor. But what does she really say about us? And is it possible to finally learn to remember names the first time?
“I used to forget people’s names all the time, especially at crowded parties or business meetings. Now, when I am introduced to a new person, I try to pronounce his name several times at the very beginning of the acquaintance: “Very nice, Sergey”, “And you, Sergey, what do you think?” Repetition is a great help to remember information, ”says Evgenia, 30 years old.
“Very often, when I meet an unfamiliar person, I recognize him by sight, I can even remember where I know him from, where he works, but the name – well, no way! 32-year-old Oleg admits. – It’s so embarrassing! I always worry in these cases, because people may think that I treat them with disdain.
Such forgetfulness is not at all uncommon; as Freud noted, it happens all the time. We find convenient explanations for her, attributing everything to fatigue, stress, preoccupation with our problems. But the real reasons may lie much deeper.
Beliefs instilled in childhood. “You always forget everything”, “You never listen” – maybe, as children, we often heard just such phrases? “Parents are our mirrors,” explains psychoanalyst Elena Zhaluniene, “and we get our first impression of ourselves based on what they say about us.
Growing up, we often wonder: “Why is this happening to me?” – and the reason, perhaps, is in those beliefs that are embedded in our unconscious since childhood. We feel safe as long as we follow parental guidelines. It turns out that if we are convinced that we do not remember anything, we will forget everything more often than others. The reverse situation is also possible: if a child is told “Keep your head down!”, growing up, he involuntarily strives not to be noticed and remembered. Like his name! This is what we don’t remember.
Protection of personal space. The name is a symbol of personality. “Remembering a name and addressing another by name means establishing a connection with him,” Elena Zhaluniene notes. – And it is difficult for those who have high internal aggression, because they do not know how to establish relationships and tend, on the contrary, to destroy ties. And also for those who have a weak own identity, there is no clear image of themselves: it is difficult for them to accept the other as a separate person. Both the first and the second may be afraid of an invasion of their inner space. And they defend themselves without remembering or forgetting names.
After all, if we do not remember a person, then he simply does not exist in our inner world.
Bad associations. Sometimes we can’t remember someone’s name because it brings up some old memories that cause us fear, shame, pain and other unpleasant feelings. Maybe that was the name of our offender from a neighboring yard? “These memories can be forgotten, repressed, but they are stored in our unconscious,” emphasizes Elena Zhalunienė.
Either the bearer of the name itself may remind us of someone we don’t want to remember, or the circumstances of the acquaintance may evoke associations with traumatic events from the past. “For example, if we do not remember patronymics, this may be due to our bad relationship with our father in childhood,” explains Elena Zhaluniene. Then the unconscious intervenes, erasing the name of the person from memory and thereby breaking the links of this chain of unwanted associations.
What to do
Double attention
If you find yourself distracted and not listening to a new acquaintance, try to acknowledge it and redouble your attention. This requires internal discipline, which comes with experience. You will have to work to learn to observe yourself, while paying attention to the interlocutor. That kind of detachment helps keep you on your toes.
Allow yourself to forget
“The more you worry about forgetting someone’s name, the sooner you will fail,” says Elena Zhaluniene. “Telling yourself not to be nervous is of little effect; anxiety can only increase.” Therefore, the expert recommends going from the opposite: allow yourself to forget in order to get rid of fear, calm down and become more attentive.
listen to yourself
Forgetfulness can be a good reason to reflect on yourself, remarks Elena Žaliunienė: “Why couldn’t I get in touch with this person? Am I mad at him for something? Or maybe I wanted to show myself, and not talk to him? When you find yourself in a similar situation again, you may be surprised that you no longer have difficulty remembering.