Does your heart clench at the thought of leaving your child in the wrong hands? Why so much anxiety and how justified is it?
Child psychologist Galiya Nigmetzhanova helps adults to better understand themselves and their children.
Your son will spend the first month of summer without you – he is going to the sea with a nanny. The daughter goes to the dacha to her grandmother … At the thought that the child will have to be handed over to the wrong hands, the heart shrinks with anxiety. Some parents think that the other person will not cope, overlook, and something will definitely happen.
The causes of fear often lie in the past. Some adults who find it difficult to let go of their son or daughter have been overprotected by their own parents. And now they unconsciously reproduce the same pattern of behavior. Or, conversely, their parents took little care of them, and as adults, they involuntarily choose the opposite scenario. “The departure of a child frightens someone because it deprives (albeit for a while) of control over him,” says Galiya Nigmetzhanova. “And the need to control every moment of the life of a son or daughter may be due to the fact that the parents themselves in childhood felt unprotected against the threats of the outside world.”
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Another facet of the situation is the issue of (dis)trust. “Doubt in another – be it a nanny, sister, grandmother – can hide distrust in oneself, the weakness of one’s own position, – explains Galiya Nigmetzhanova. – Anxiety often appears where we act by inertia, without analyzing what the trip was started for. In the absence of this clarity, we fuss, worry about everyday little things, worry that the child will be overfed or spoiled, losing sight of the importance of communication with the grandmother, for example. How else can you give him the experience of belonging to a family?” So, when sending a child on vacation, you should first of all realize your intentions and priorities. “Think over and even write down what you expect from the person to whom you delegate responsibility for the child,” suggests Galiya Nigmetzhanova. “Then, at a meeting (but not on the run and not on the phone), discuss all the “points of the contract”, possible concessions and the boundaries of what is permissible.” It is important to build a relationship with a confidant as a partner who is equally responsible for the child as you are. Be honest about your concerns and be direct about what you approve of and do not accept in any situation. But at the same time, respect other people’s opinions and be ready to discuss new circumstances.
Your child will learn to build relationships with another person. And you will get the experience of trusting others, and therefore yourself. And you will feel like a more competent parent. Isn’t that a reason to be grateful?”
A French psychologist tells parents how to learn to let their children go further and further away from themselves, without depriving them of “insurance” and without leaving them alone with problems (Clever, 2014).
Galiya Nigmetzhanova, leading psychologist at the Moscow psychological center for family support “Contact”.