Contents
An unexpected hitch, any critical word addressed to them – and now they are already losing their temper. How to explain such behavior?
Everyone needs support, recognition, but for some this need is so strong that a person becomes dependent on others. He becomes so vulnerable that his inner balance and even self-esteem are at the mercy of others. The slightest reproach, an innocent remark, too formal, in his opinion, praise – and he, feeling threatened, immediately goes into conflict. But his constant alertness is nothing more than a way to shout into the surrounding space: “Love me, I need it so much!”
Ban on “bad” feelings
“We get angry when we feel that we are not taken seriously,” says existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. “Our irritation, anger is a natural and often adequate reaction to the situation: an aggressive person is really listened to more carefully.”
At such moments, the release of hormones (including adrenaline) increases, and they, in turn, provide a powerful burst of energy. And we feel our strength, feel ourselves and hold ourselves more confident.
“But aggression is a defensive behavior,” continues Svetlana Krivtsova. – Therefore, at some point, it again begins to seem to us that they do not take us seriously, they do not consider us. Although in reality this is often not the case at all.
“It’s getting unbearable!”
Kirill, 50 years old, documentary filmmaker
“From early childhood, I had the feeling that people didn’t like me at all. Parents who preferred a brother – I was terribly jealous of them. Then the teachers at school and at the institute: despite my brilliant grades, other students were valued more. I became more and more angry and irritable. Now, when journalists criticize me and at the same time promote mediocrities, I become furious: I grapple with them in polemics, quarrel endlessly with colleagues and relatives. It becomes unbearable.”
Enhanced self-control
Painfully reacts to the slightest remark and the one who is sure that his own feelings must be controlled.
“Most likely, such a person grew up in a family where “bad” emotions were forbidden, and the ability to control feelings was considered mandatory,” says Svetlana Krivtsova. Habitually hiding his anger, holding back fear and even excitement with all his might, such a person perceives any negative feelings as a manifestation of his own weakness. But suppressed emotions do not disappear into nowhere, on the contrary, they accumulate, and as a result, sooner or later, an emotional breakdown occurs.
Thirst for omnipotence
Aggressive behavior is often characteristic of those who experience a painful need to constantly feel their omnipotence, looking for confirmation of it.
“In early infancy, it is natural to expect adults to satisfy all your needs,” continues Svetlana Krivtsova. “Growing older, the child learns to wait, endure and even give up his desires.
But if an adult remains personally immature, the infantile attitude that the world must meet all his expectations is fixed for years. Any discrepancy with these expectations is unconsciously perceived by him as his rejection. And then an adult turns into a demanding screaming child.
What to do?
Learn to be close to yourself
Listen to your inner feeling. Accept it. Learn to recognize your true feeling and understand its causes. Then you can express it constructively.
To keep distance
When we identify too much with our actions, we take the words of others very painfully. Recognize that you are much more than what you are criticized for. Mentally “rewind” the situation back: this will allow you to understand (without overdramatizing the events) what exactly caused the conflict. By focusing on this analysis, you will prevent an outburst of anger and will surely find a way to correct what you yourself consider wrong.
Strive for dialogue
Even an outburst of anger can be the result of a positive intention. Look for a compromise. You have every right to express your anger – but without aggression.
Tips for others
If your interlocutor shows constant dissatisfaction and irritation in a conversation, this means that for some reason it is difficult for him to express what he wants. Let it explode, take your soul away. Do not calm him down, but just listen, thereby confirming: “I understand you.”
Reframe what he says in a positive and calm tone. Ask what caused his anger. The main thing is no moralizing. Listen carefully: when we feel that we are understood, we try to smooth out the conflict ourselves.