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Our reader shared a story about a difficult relationship with her own body and weight. And about why with the movement of body positivity, calling for love and acceptance to treat any physical form, she turned out to be out of her way. Gestalt therapist Daria Petrovskaya comments on her story.
Since childhood, I have been a chubby child. There was a cult of food in the family: my grandmother and mother cooked well and it was believed that one should not deny oneself. In adolescence, she suddenly became aware that other girls in the class look slimmer and therefore more beautiful. By the end of school, when they had affairs, I felt invisible to the opposite sex.
No, I didn’t cry in the corner: I had great friends and a busy life. I drew, was fond of music, went to concerts. I always kept myself confident, and, perhaps, from the outside, no one would have noticed that I had complexes due to weight. However, I spent a huge amount of energy trying to disguise my insecurities. Invigorated, hiding behind jokes, feigned lightness, laughter. I was loved, but no one showed interest in me as a girl.
Why didn’t I pull myself together and lose weight? Firstly, she lived with her parents, and at home they constantly baked pies and cakes. In addition, food has become my outlet and consolation. While I was eating, I was fine.
I entered the department of design, became interested in painting. I managed to become a participant in several student exhibitions. Now I was surrounded by interesting and non-trivial people. Many of them are artists who are able to perceive beauty beyond the bounds of standard ideas. And yet they valued a friend in me, but still did not notice the woman. And I understood that excessive fullness was to blame.
Girlfriends went on dates, they had a romantic life. I didn’t sit at home either, but the love sphere was closed to me. And again, I continued to play the role of the one who is doing well, having fun on food.
If I continued to eat, not play sports and repeat that I love myself any, then I would delay time and feel worse
When I was graduating from college, the “body positivity” movement began to gain momentum. I subscribed to accounts of plus size girls and thought: really, if I just change my attitude, my life will change? Will men notice me? I, like my friends, will be proud of my body, run on dates, flirt? Will I have a young man? And I realized that this is definitely not going to happen to me.
I made another decision: to change my life habits and get a new body. Stop feeling sorry for yourself with food, then to despise yourself in the mirror. I found a job, moved out from my parents and started cooking myself. Reduced portions, switched to a healthier diet. I signed up for fitness, where I was very lucky with the instructor. He guaranteed that if we work and do not retreat, we will succeed.
Oddly enough, subscribing to bloggers calling for body positivity also helped me. I followed plus size girls and moved from the opposite. I understood: even though many of them are very good-looking, I do not want to be like that.
If I continued to eat, did not start exercising, and only repeated like a mantra that I love myself any, then I would delay time and feel worse. I achieved my goal: a year later I lost 20 kg, and I think this is not the limit. I am active, I have more time, but, most importantly, I finally like myself.
I still do not have a boyfriend, but I have become more confident. This feeling came when I started to make an effort.
And just assuring yourself that you are beautiful, but doing nothing at the same time, in my opinion, is a road to nowhere. I don’t want to, as they say, “shame”, shame anyone for their weight. Until recently, I myself was a very full person. It’s just that in my particular case, body positivity is an attempt to only cover up the problem with talk.
“It is important to figure out what is the true motivation for changing your body”
Daria Petrovskaya, psychotherapist
Our relationship with the body is initially a projection of our relationship with significant people. For example, in the family where the child grew up, there was no attention to the emotional side. And the only way to express love and support was food.
Maybe the relationship in the family was tense, the child remained on the sidelines due to adult conflicts. Then food became a way to “become bigger”, to become visible. When such a person grows up, he forms a relationship with the body, similar to an internal dialogue: “What kind of body are you, ugly, fat, I would like you to be different.” And in the future, relationships with strangers are often formed on the basis of relationships with the body: the desire to “be invisible until I lose weight.”
What touches the girl’s story is the clear understanding that you need to move and change your habits. At some point, she realized that the usual rituals of the parental family interfere with her own realization, she went a new path for herself. It requires tremendous effort and a lot of inner work.
It is important to understand from what impulse external changes come. Out of love for yourself or out of a desire to change yourself as something unworthy
But in therapy, I would explore what is happening inside in parallel. Does the rejection of your body remain, the fear of gaining weight again? Does she have a good, supportive attitude towards herself different or does she rely more on the recognition of others? It’s hard to tell from the text.
Body positivity as a phenomenon is beautiful. This is a position in which there is a lot of acceptance and respect for yourself as a person and your body in any variations. But at the superficial level, there is often a lot of speculation to justify one’s own unwillingness to develop.
The heroine clearly managed to take the good out of this movement. It is important to understand from what impulse external changes come. Out of self-love (“I’m good enough and I want more”) or out of self-aggression, the desire to change oneself as something unworthy. In the first case, the resource is internal and external support, understanding: “I am different, and I am worthy of love just like that.” In the second, there is a lot of fear of being some kind of “not like that” (full, ugly).
Both in therapy and self-work with the body, it is important to proceed from the fact that we have two parts. Suppressive – “I am what I should be”, and repressed – “I’m fat.” It is important to understand what impulses and feelings are hidden in the repressed part.
What is my body really telling me? And what other ways are there to take care of yourself besides food? This is a very difficult, often painful work, but it releases a tremendous amount of energy to move forward and harmoniously relate to oneself.