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“What are they talking about?” – sometimes we do not really understand what the interlocutors talk about at ease. But some take it as proof of their own worthlessness. Where does such an underestimation of one’s own “I” come from?
“A friend brought me to a group of moviegoers. They were throwing quotes from the movies, and I felt embarrassed and smiled stupidly, because I did not remember a single witty line. Many of us have been in this situation. But Marina, the heroine of this story, concludes from an ordinary case: “I am uneducated and stupid.”
“People who consider themselves stupid are absolutely sincere,” says psychotherapist Elena Sokolova. – Their feelings are caused by a sense of inconsistency between who they imagine themselves to be (the owner of many talents) and they really are (a person with different advantages and disadvantages). Therefore, it seems to them that they constantly do and say something wrong. In fact, they need to understand themselves.
Blurred identity
“People who tend to perceive themselves as incompetent need constant confirmation of their worth,” continues Elena Sokolova. – For this they “use” others, but only if they admire their intelligence and other “virtues”.
But when another person is superior to them in some way, it is so difficult for them to recognize this, that is, to see themselves realistically, that (if they cannot devalue the merits of others) they will prefer to attribute total stupidity to themselves. After all, there is no demand from such a person. ”
“I find it easier to work with numbers than with people”
Natalia, 36 years old, accountant
“Since childhood, it was difficult for me to communicate on an equal footing with my peers. I always felt that I fell short of their intellectual level. Although at school I loved the exact sciences, especially mathematics.
When choosing a university, I knew that it would be easier for me to work with numbers than with people, so I went to the economics department of the university. Then I changed several companies. Finally, she got a job in her specialty.
After a while the chief made me his right hand. I had to learn to lead, despite the fears of looking stupid. There were, of course, failures and misunderstandings, but over time, my old problem ceased to disturb me.
Now I try to be minimally guided by the opinions of others and do not compare myself with everyone who is next to me – I just listen to myself.
Exaggerated value of intelligence
It seems like a paradox, but such people are poorly versed in the nuances of feelings and motives for the behavior of other people, it is difficult for them to experience trust and affection, perhaps that is why they unconsciously overestimate the importance of intelligence.
“Often in childhood they felt emotional hunger, lack of warmth and love,” says Elena Sokolova. “Even as adults, they continue to behave with others like children, trying to earn the favor of their parents with the brilliance of their mind and the desire to live up to their ideals.”
In addition, since intelligence is in high demand in society, blaming his own stupidity is a person who is overly oriented to social values and has a strong desire to comply with them.
Excessive requirements
The feeling of one’s own stupidity is also a consequence of excessive demands on oneself, coming from childhood. A child whom relatives consider the best (or, conversely, underestimate), gets used to building relationships with others, based on how he will look in their eyes. Therefore, any communication causes him anxiety and fear of losing self-confidence again.
His inability to carry on a conversation is exacerbated by derogatory thoughts. And after the meeting, alone with himself, such a person severely reproaches and once again convinces himself of his stupidity.
What to do?
Try to understand your emotional state
Try to be more specific about how you feel when you say to yourself, “I’m stupid.” Anger, sadness, fear? Specify: anger towards whom, for what? What gives you fear?
It is important to understand what caused these feelings and what lies behind your confession of your own stupidity. Most likely, we are talking about deeper and stronger experiences, and you should work on them.
Consider the consequences of your behavior
Try to change the habitual strategy of behavior. Perhaps as a child you were a shy child and thus tried to justify your need for solitude. Or your parents pressured you so much that you put on the mask of a fool in defense. Such a role promised benefits, but, on the other hand, you were often depressed and alone.
As convenient as this role once was, there comes a time of maturity and choice, when it is worth considering whether it is time to leave it, because it does not give your personality the opportunity to develop.
Advice to an outsider
It is useless to comfort another with phrases like “No, you are not stupid at all!” Only on his own can a person re-evaluate his personality. To help him with this, often draw his attention to his own successes.
For example, congratulate him at the first opportunity – celebrate the conclusion of the contract, the appointment that he has been seeking for so long. This is the best way to help him raise his self-esteem.