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To be on the sidelines, to feel unnecessary in some unusual situation for us sometimes happens to each of us. But some people experience this feeling all the time, in any company, and really suffer from it.
“I feel out of place”, “no one is happy with me” – someone who constantly feels rejected, is distrustful of contacts with other people. The slightest inattention on their part makes you feel helpless again and again. “Once having experienced this painful feeling, such a person unconsciously expects that everything will happen again: he will be betrayed, abandoned,” explains existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova.
Trying to avoid such a development of events, each time he tests the relationship for strength and, as a result, remains alone again. “Trying to arouse interest in himself, to please him, he gradually becomes dependent on the opinions and assessments of other people,” continues Svetlana Krivtsova, “and his suspiciousness simply exhausts those who are nearby. Relationships become formal, often full of hostility, and eventually end.” To live in constant expectation of a break is to provoke a break.
childhood trauma
“When I was four years old, my older brother became seriously ill and my mother sent me to stay with my grandmother for a few months,” says 29-year-old Yaroslav. “I was very worried: it seemed to me that I behaved so badly that my mother had to abandon me.”
Fear of abandonment first arises in childhood and is usually associated with sudden (often prolonged) separation from parents.
“Little children cannot understand the meaning of adults’ actions and suffer from loneliness,” explains Svetlana Krivtsova. “The memory that you didn’t please your parents in some way and therefore turned out to be unnecessary remains for many years.” Those whom their parents really “abandoned” in childhood, without supporting them in a difficult situation, can also feel their abandonment.
“I’m learning to talk about my feelings”
Valeria, 33 years old
“I know well what it means to be of no use to anyone. When my little sister was born, my mother quit her job to take care of it. Maybe my fears appeared then? I always felt that I was not with them. At school, too, no one wanted to be friends with me, and as a teenager, I was absolutely sure that I was unworthy of love. And indeed, no one paid attention to me, I was invisible.
At some point, the feeling of rejection became too painful, but it helped me see myself from the outside: I turned out to be so closed, gloomy. Now I try to be more sociable, to speak more openly about my feelings, to articulate more clearly what worries me. Surprisingly, my loved ones now talk about restraint and vulnerability as the best features of my strong character.
Early casualties
Sometimes parents very early force the child to take on “adult” responsibilities, to sacrifice their interests in favor of a brother or sister, and the child grows up, confident that no one cares about him. “We feel the most severe pain in those moments when we experience our own worthlessness,” says Svetlana Krivtsova. “If they do this, it means that it is possible with me, it means that I am not worthy of another.” Feeling “worst of all”, building relationships with others is excruciatingly difficult. There are unconscious “filters” through which the growing child “reinterprets” the world in his own way … and always not in his favor.
Ugly duckling
Some are constantly preoccupied with adjusting their behavior to the expectations of others. “The reason is the feeling “I ended up here by chance, I am an ugly duckling among white swans,” explains psychoanalyst Marie-Dominique Linder. – This painful feeling is especially strong in adolescence. The teenager is trying with all his might to hide his dissimilarity so that his peers do not push him away, do not expel him from his company. Becoming an adult means overcoming this crisis and asserting yourself as a person.
What to do?
Understand the “history” of your feeling
Try to remember when the agonizing feeling of rejection first arose. What event changed your attitude towards yourself? Once you understand this, you can begin to control your experiences.
Don’t dramatize
Try to talk freely about your feelings, write down your story. Humor helps you connect with people. By saying what you feel, you will slightly weaken the power of the image in whose captivity you live.
Open up to people
Don’t wait for someone to come to your rescue. It takes serious effort to build relationships. Take the first step by trying to see the other person as an ally rather than a potential offender.
grow up
Accept it as a fact: you are different from others (just like they are from you), and you do not need their approval to be yourself. By refusing to live dependent on the judgmental gaze of others, you can finally grow up.
Advice to an outsider
How to help someone who feels rejected in any situation? In a conversation, focus on his opinion, emphasizing that his point of view is important to you. But at the same time, do not indulge, this will lead to the opposite effect: your interlocutor may feel dependent on you, which will increase his feeling of rejection, because you cannot be with him all the time.
Be sincere in your intentions. The fact is that a person who considers himself useless to anyone doubts that he can arouse interest in himself. You can convince him that he is really worthy of attention and love only by sincerely communicating with him.