I don’t want to order. What can be instead of punishment?

Normal parents don’t like to punish their own children. Somehow stupid: I dreamed of children, I wanted to love, and here I only do what I swear and punish. The question arises: the child was not born, or should I correct something in me? Answer: even if “the child is not born” (this also happens), you need to start with yourself. So, if the child is not an angel and regularly deserves punishment, what can be in the parent’s arsenal, except for punishment?

First: you can talk to children

Children, especially when they are very naughty, do not always understand the conversation in a good way, but, on the other hand, if they are only punished and not talked to, they will never understand normal conversations and will not. No matter how angry you are with the child, no matter how (suddenly!) It is unusual for you, you need to talk with children! Normal relationships with people, relationships without screaming and swearing, children learn in their families. Story:

“Now my sons (10 and 12 years old) play and teach, yes, they teach with their attitude — their 2-year-old nephew, my grandson. Communicate with him easily and kindly. They play merrily, they laugh, but how else to play? And if you need to explain something — explain. A 12-year-old son recently said: “Mom, Yarik understands everything if you explain it to him. If I tell him that I can’t play with him right now because I have to do my homework, and I ask him to wait, he nods his head in agreement.”

The sons did not see a different attitude towards children. Therefore, this is how they communicate with the baby.

And here’s another story. Sonya threw a toilet full of toilet paper. I go in, and she starts yelling: “No! Not!» and with all her appearance she shows that she is not going to stop this business. And if I had taken the roll from her, if I had said that it was impossible to do this, nothing but a protest would have followed. And I told her that if she continues to throw, then the pieces of paper will be scored that. and the water will not be able to flow and will spill onto the floor, wet the rug and Sonya’s legs. Sonya listened, thought, and began to pull out the papers, saying: “Nenaaaa!” This is a good example when it was possible to do without a ban and the child made the decision himself.

Or, my mother writes: “My daughter and I agreed that if I shout, threaten, swear at her, she will remind me of the principles of education. It sounds funny, those present are always in shock: The goat is so, and with a smart look: “Mom, you read on the computer, you need to TALK to me, you can’t shout and scold me.”

Second: indemnification

It is proposed to think: is it possible in a situation of misconduct instead of punishment to resolve the issue by correcting the situation? Indeed, if someone did something badly, no one needs “punishment”, everyone needs something else, namely, for the consequences of his “did badly” to disappear, so that it becomes as if this “did badly” did not exist. . Everyone needs what was bad to be corrected or compensated! This is the wonderful thing that can be instead of punishment: the requirement that the child fix the spoiled or repair the broken. Sometimes this is possible.

In this case, even the traditional “stay in the corner!” takes on a different meaning. If a child in kindergarten spoiled another child’s toy or mood, it’s okay to put him in a corner, but not as a «punishment», but as with a task: «You need to figure out how to fix what happened. Whatever you think, tell me!” So standing in the corner is no longer offensive and understandable, especially since the faster he came up with a way to settle what had happened, the faster he got out of the corner.

With older children, this method turns into the principle “You spoil your things only at your own expense — no one will buy you new ones”, and the completely elementary “You soiled it yourself — you wash it yourself”. In fact, this is already a method of natural consequences. Mom writes well on this topic:

I always “beg” my daughter to go home after school, eat, change clothes and in other clothes (simpler) go play in the yard. They don’t «hear» me regularly. I lost count of shoes that were left without soles and heels (I played football), and recently I came in a jacket like a bucket of swamp was turned out on her left shoulder (fell …). I once dressed in ugly clothes and sneakers to school (to play football), in response there were tears, hysteria: “I won’t go like that, I’m a girl.” And she gave her a jacket to wash herself — two hours of moaning and meditation over a jacket in a bath, aerobatics was — to wash with her feet (as Celentano crushed grapes in The Taming of the Shrew). Yes, you can call it “training”, yes, the defenders of a carefree childhood swear at me for this, but if you don’t develop this “dirty-wash it” reaction in a child, then I will buy new things endlessly. And the habit of taking care of what you wear is, in my opinion, a very, very useful habit! How to brush your teeth in the morning (my aunt and uncle dentists recommend exactly that!), how to wash your hands before eating, how to greet your neighbors.

Third: positive contribution

To this, wise parents make an important addition: it is not enough to improve the situation, you still need to make a positive contribution for what happened! It seems really fair that a person who destroys relationships or things should not only fix what is broken, but also make a positive contribution. If you ruined someone’s mood, you need not only to apologize, but also to do something that will cheer him up (cheer, play together, help with the case). If you made a mess in the room — not only eliminate it, but also do something that improves the look of the room. This rule must be observed by both children and parents.

And this rule can have many interesting variations, here is one of them. Daughter 14 years old, there was an agreement to go to bed at 10.30. I was late, they began to find out the reasons — I listened to music on the iPod. A question to her: “What can I do so that another time such a delay does not happen, so that you are in bed on time?” — «Do not listen to the iPod before going to bed, go to bed immediately.» “Okay, the cost of the question: if you forgot and were late again?” «Well…»

So, here are two options. The first is to agree that in this case, the parents take the iPod for one day. The second — in this case, the daughter bakes a pie for the whole family. The second option is preferable, because everyone is happy with it! It is difficult to call it a punishment, it is rather a negative reinforcement of a pleasant obligatory task.

Fourth: reasonable organization of life

Instead of punishment, there should be a normal, reasonable organization of life. First, teach your children to listen and obey you: if you are not an authority in your own family, then who are you here? Create reasonable orders in your family, discuss the rules with the children, help the children learn these rules and get used to them. If you need to resolve a situational issue, give a clear order, and in a good family this is not a hard voice at all, but a soft request. If the order is violated, and the order is not carried out, everyone should know what will happen after that … There will be — at first a mild discussion (what is it? Why?), We talked — we returned to normal life. It does not help — a serious warning follows, then sanctions will come, which children should be well aware of. That is, nothing incredible, everything is just like in adulthood, for which our children should prepare.

So, in your family there should be reasonable orders. This is about a lot, and depending on age, these orders can and should change. As for young children, the two main points are the daily routine known to the child and the creation of physical conditions that involve the child in the right things and make some misconduct impossible.

The daily routine is really a very useful thing in the family. When a child knows and is accustomed to get up and go to bed at a certain time, the difficult problems of “Get up immediately!” disappear. and «Stop your games, now it’s time for bed!» When a bright and beautiful timetable hangs on the wall in the nursery, it is really easier for a child to navigate when he has breakfast, when it is time for him to sit down for lessons, when he has games or sports. It is clear that the child will not get used to the schedule immediately, this habit needs to be developed in him — and this should be the work of parents.

If you want your children to go to bed on time, they just need to be taught to do this. If every evening they are reminded: “You have to go!” and make it inevitable, they will get used to it in a month: 22.00 — sleep! Organize yourself for this — your children will be your joy. And if you can’t organize yourself for this, then take care of yourself, and don’t make noise at the children, “Why not in bed?” and “That’s it, I deprive you of the TV!”

Children have yet to develop volitional behavior, initially their behavior is field: it is difficult for them to resist what is in front of them and pulls them like that. What to do with it? First, it’s good to use. If a TV flashes with colors next to the child, the child will become attached to the TV. If you threw out the TV (great solution!), And in front of the child’s eyes is a horizontal bar, dumbbells and a comfortable desk with his favorite lamp, then you are more likely to make your child more interested in sports and study.

Indeed, it is very often easier and cheaper to remove dangerous temptations from the child’s field of vision than to waste time on explanations, exhortations and prohibitions. If the baby reaches for the outlet, do not waste time on punishment, just put a regular plug on the dangerous outlet. If a child reaches for a vase of sweets that their grandmother loves, just put it all out of sight. And you don’t have to fight. Where possible, instead of prohibitions and punishments, create a situation where wrongdoing is physically excluded.

And already somewhere from the age of four, reminders help children well. These can be oral reminders of parents, and beautiful posters, and rituals so that the child does not forget … Think, look, it is always more fun than swearing or punishing!

Fifth: about what definitely does not help …

Here we want to remind you of what is traditionally used instead of punishment and what is actually ineffective and pointless. This is what many (primarily mothers) try to do in the hope that it will help — so as not to punish. What is this about? About persuasion…

Women, whether because of their upbringing or because of their biological characteristics, in problem situations with children (you need to put them to bed, you need to get out of bed, it’s time to stop playing computer games, and so on) practice only persuasion and avoid formulating a clear and precise demand until the very end. Even if the text of the demand is dictated to her, only unhappy eyes can be seen in response, followed by a refusal: “No, I can’t say that!”. However, you need to understand: persuasion does not work on those who want to make a scandal (that is, our vigorous children) in such situations, on the contrary, as a manifestation of weakness and connecting emotions, persuasion only spins the scandal.

Therefore, instead of persuading, use clear and convincing requests. More precisely, you must give orders, and a request is a mild form of your order.

Attention — a huge number of parents do it in such a way that the children do not obey them: they do not follow the format, they push and read notations, but they do not give clear instructions, they speak at the wrong time and do not control the implementation … Do not repeat these typical mistakes, learn to speak softly with children , but weighty.

And if soft requests do not work where the child was supposed to hear you, move on to tough orders, forceful methods of resolving the issue. Understand: it’s more correct to punish once for a cause (and after that for years to have a good relationship with children) than to avoid harshness for years and endure ever-growing childish impudence. So? Not this way?

And again we have to state: women seem to organically either not endure, or do not understand the need for tough measures in weaning children from bad habits. They consider options when everything is only kind: words, not actions, so as to arouse desire, and not just prohibit. Actually, banning for most mothers means only the words “I forbid you this!”, And nothing really serious follows from this. Hence the strong recommendation to women: learn to act tough. Without scandals — but tough. At first, they asked calmly, but clearly and confidently. The second step was to warn about punishments. The third — you solve the issue harshly: warned — deprived. Warned — punished. No extra talk. And to explain this to children is simple: “Children, I don’t want to punish you at all, and you can make it so that I will never punish you. You just do what I ask you, do not violate our agreements — and we will live only in peace and harmony. How do you like this proposal?