Gossip and whispering behind our backs can cause us a lot of pain. We know this from our own experience, but when people gossip about others in our presence and involve us in the conversation, we do not always find the right words to resist. Psychotherapist Brené Brown offers two effective techniques*.
“It can’t be that they just took her and promoted her. Who do you think she slept with?” Friends or colleagues in the smoking room in front of everyone took up arms against someone and begin to wash the bones of a person, involving us in the conversation – how to refuse to participate in this? A difficult situation, because we risk our friendships and business ties – what if they end up making us the target of gossip?
“Two techniques help me: reflection and displacement,” says psychotherapist Brene Brown. “They make it possible not to participate in gossip and to awaken an idea in people. Reflection: we give a test cue, diluting the conversation. Displacement is a phrase that helps shift the conversation from blame to empathy.” Here are some examples.
1. “It can’t be that they just took her and promoted her. Who do you think she slept with?”
Reflection: “I don’t know her that well».
This remark raises the question: what do we know about a person? In many cases, asking this question makes people realize they don’t know much about who they’re targeting. Or, at worst, they might think that gossip doesn’t require facts.
2. “Imagine, they say, she snatched the toy from her daughter’s hands!”
Reflection: “I didn’t see how it was, so I can’t say what happened».
This remark begs the question: what do we know about the situation? If we had a choice, we would rather not be judged as parents and caregivers by one or two bad moments.
Read more:
- gossip is good
3. “She’s so nasty. I’m not surprised he left her.”
Reflection and offset: “I honestly don’t know much about him or their marriage. But I like her. Do you think we can do something for her?»
We emphasize that we don’t know what’s going on and that it’s better to help than to gossip.
4. “Susie is sick in the head. Have you ever worked with her?
Reflection: “Worked a couple of times. Didn’t see the idiocy».
We give the interlocutor the right to have an opinion, but we do not agree with it.
5. “I heard Bonnie is still trying to get pregnant. It’s her obsession. Just laugh.”
Reflection and offset: “I can’t imagine what it’s like for her. She probably really wants it».
And here we also say that it is better to try to understand than to judge.
* B. Brown “All because of me (but it’s not)” (Azbuka Business, 2014).